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December 19, 2006

Joey Headset Gift Guide: Strickly 4 da Ladeez

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This installment of our gift guide goes out to all the fellas, trying to do what those ladies tell us. Specifically, they tell us to buy them shit. CONSTANTLY. Look at your calendar and you'll see dozens of occasions that mandate buying gifts for your Significant Other. There are birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Sorry I Slept with your Sister Day... and of course, there's Christmas. If you fail to get her something nice for December 25th, you'll be spending New Year's Eve drinking alone and playing with your Wii (appalling pun INTENDED). Don't let this happen to you! Please consult this selection of gifts that are perfect for that special bitch or ho in your life.

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You've probably seen the TV commercials for Pajamagrams. What a great idea! Get some sexy PJs for your girl, and maybe she'll be willing to take them off for you (or, if not for you, perhaps for some other guy she met on the internet). Of course, there is the matter of what SIZE pajamas you order. Do you know what size your girl wears? You could always ask her... but if she's like most women, she will lie. Shamelessly. If you buy her the size she tells you she wears, it will be too small for her. When she can't fit in them, she'll be ashamed and angry and she'll take it out on YOU. If you buy her a LARGER size which actually FITS her, she'll be ashamed and angry because she'll think you think she's fat. Again, she'll take it out on you. Finally, if you make the mistake of ordering something TOO BIG for her... well, then your just TOTALLY fucked. Come to think of it... this pajamagram thing is a terrible, terrible idea.

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So what do women like other than clothes? Well... from what I can tell, they like soaps. Tiny, expensive little bars of soap. (Man, girls are fucking RETARDED). But what if you're dating a religious girl? Maybe she's a card carrying evangelical you're looking to defile and then kick to the curb. Well, if fundamentalist Christians care about ANYTHING, they care about fetuses. (Or is it Feti?) Unborn babies occupy a special place in your average conservative lady's heart. She cares about embryos more than she cares about reproductive freedom, social stability -- even more than she cares about actual, living, already-born babies. Especially if those babies belong to poor, dark-skinned people in other countries. For a girl like this, the ideal gift must not only satisfy her irrational obsession with the unborn, but also her irrational love of tiny bars of soap. Don't worry, I've got just the thing:

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The fine folks at fetosoap.com are offering clear glycerine soaps with an ADORABLE little fetus cold chillin' on the inside! I'm not sure if the fetus inside this soap is real or just a plastic simulacrum... but either way, it's a gift that's certain to earn you the favor of your religious girlfriend.

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Lots of women get tattoos. They think tattoos make them look HOTT -- and they're right! But what happens when a women gets a new job where visible ink won't be tolerated? Clearly this girl needs her very own Tattoo Removal System. Fortunately, Black and Decker makes just such a device.

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Sure, she may have a hard time explaining to coworkers how all the skin on her left shoulder got shredded off, but it will probably be easier than explaining why she has a tattoo of the Taco Bell dog humping the Ukranian flag. Plus, when your girl isn't using it, you can use this Tattoo Removal Device to sand down some of your woodworking projects.

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Women love to look pretty -- even women who are addicted to crystal meth. Since meth tends to cause a gal's teeth to fall out, your drug-freak girlfriend is always looking for a way to beautify her busted choppers. Introducing Paul Wall's new line of budget Grillz, Ballin' on a Budget. This is exactly what your girl needs to make her mouth look all PURDY.

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Just make sure she REMOVES her jewel encrusted mouthpiece before... well, you know what I'm talking about here. You don't want your JUNK getting tangled up in that mess.

Posted by Joey at December 19, 2006 09:39 PM

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