December 19, 2006
Joey Headset Gift Guide: Strickly 4 da Ladeez
This installment of our gift guide goes out to all the fellas, trying to do what those ladies tell us. Specifically, they tell us to buy them shit. CONSTANTLY. Look at your calendar and you'll see dozens of occasions that mandate buying gifts for your Significant Other. There are birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Sorry I Slept with your Sister Day... and of course, there's Christmas. If you fail to get her something nice for December 25th, you'll be spending New Year's Eve drinking alone and playing with your Wii (appalling pun INTENDED). Don't let this happen to you! Please consult this selection of gifts that are perfect for that special bitch or ho in your life.
You've probably seen the TV commercials for Pajamagrams. What a great idea! Get some sexy PJs for your girl, and maybe she'll be willing to take them off for you (or, if not for you, perhaps for some other guy she met on the internet). Of course, there is the matter of what SIZE pajamas you order. Do you know what size your girl wears? You could always ask her... but if she's like most women, she will lie. Shamelessly. If you buy her the size she tells you she wears, it will be too small for her. When she can't fit in them, she'll be ashamed and angry and she'll take it out on YOU. If you buy her a LARGER size which actually FITS her, she'll be ashamed and angry because she'll think you think she's fat. Again, she'll take it out on you. Finally, if you make the mistake of ordering something TOO BIG for her... well, then your just TOTALLY fucked. Come to think of it... this pajamagram thing is a terrible, terrible idea.
So what do women like other than clothes? Well... from what I can tell, they like soaps. Tiny, expensive little bars of soap. (Man, girls are fucking RETARDED). But what if you're dating a religious girl? Maybe she's a card carrying evangelical you're looking to defile and then kick to the curb. Well, if fundamentalist Christians care about ANYTHING, they care about fetuses. (Or is it Feti?) Unborn babies occupy a special place in your average conservative lady's heart. She cares about embryos more than she cares about reproductive freedom, social stability -- even more than she cares about actual, living, already-born babies. Especially if those babies belong to poor, dark-skinned people in other countries. For a girl like this, the ideal gift must not only satisfy her irrational obsession with the unborn, but also her irrational love of tiny bars of soap. Don't worry, I've got just the thing:
The fine folks at fetosoap.com are offering clear glycerine soaps with an ADORABLE little fetus cold chillin' on the inside! I'm not sure if the fetus inside this soap is real or just a plastic simulacrum... but either way, it's a gift that's certain to earn you the favor of your religious girlfriend.
Lots of women get tattoos. They think tattoos make them look HOTT -- and they're right! But what happens when a women gets a new job where visible ink won't be tolerated? Clearly this girl needs her very own Tattoo Removal System. Fortunately, Black and Decker makes just such a device.
Sure, she may have a hard time explaining to coworkers how all the skin on her left shoulder got shredded off, but it will probably be easier than explaining why she has a tattoo of the Taco Bell dog humping the Ukranian flag. Plus, when your girl isn't using it, you can use this Tattoo Removal Device to sand down some of your woodworking projects.
Women love to look pretty -- even women who are addicted to crystal meth. Since meth tends to cause a gal's teeth to fall out, your drug-freak girlfriend is always looking for a way to beautify her busted choppers. Introducing Paul Wall's new line of budget Grillz, Ballin' on a Budget. This is exactly what your girl needs to make her mouth look all PURDY.
Just make sure she REMOVES her jewel encrusted mouthpiece before... well, you know what I'm talking about here. You don't want your JUNK getting tangled up in that mess.
December 15, 2006
Joey Headset Gift Guide: Just 4 Kidz
Christmas, just like Wu-Tang, is for The Children. The snotty, foul-smelling, best-argument-for-keeping-abortion-legal Children. And during the holidays, evernyone knows that youth must be served. Just ask Mark Foley, a Florida Republican who spent much of his congressional career serving youth. Or attempting to, at any rate.
Since the magic of the holidays is so geared toward the youngsters, we're kicking off the Joey Headset Gift Guide with a special selection of gifts Just 4 Kidz.
The **IT** gift for toddlers this year Fisher-Price's Elmo T.M.X. This next-gen version of Tickle-Me-Elmo is pretty cool, but not as cool as Elmo THX 1138: a visionary collaboration between George Lucas and the Children's Television Workshop. Any toddler who is fond of dystopian sci-fi cinema will LOVE this toy. Take a look at Elmo THX 1138 in action:
December 14, 2006
The Joey Headset Gift Guide - Introduction
Some people say Jesus is the "Reason for the Season". That's great. But last time I checked, Jesus hadn't BOUGHT me anything. Not even a gift certificate for the Olive Garden! And for yours truly, the True Meaning of Christmas is people buying stuff. For me.
Of course, there is a DARK side to Christmas -- and I'm not talking about Slasher, The Most Murderous Reindeer. The dark side of the holidays is that you have to buy stuff for other people. Otherwise they stop buying you stuff, which is total bullshit. It's bad enough that you have to spend your money on people who aren't you, but you also have to figure out what other people might want to receive. This can be very difficult, especially when you don't really care about or listen to other people. It's always tempting to keep things simple and give all your friends and loved ones gift certificates to the Olive Garden. But remember: some people have been BANNED from the Olive Garden due to various incidents of public nudity and breadstick related violence. Or maybe that's just me.
Look, the point is that a good gift should come from the heart. And by the heart, I mean the internet! That's why I'm using my little chunk of the net to recommend delightful gifts that will provide endless joy to everyone you know! In days to come, I'll be profiling all the HOTT gifts of this holiday season, plus some unusual items that no one on your gift list will expect. Just like nobody expects to pass a kidney stone.
December 06, 2006
O. J. Simpson: The Joey Headset Interview
Fox TV was too squeamish to air their O. J. Simpson interview. I don't know about you, but I was looking forward to seeing OJ explain himself. Since Fox punked out, I called up the Juiceman and arranged my very own interview -- and you KNOW I'm not too squeamish to share it with you! Please enjoy this interview with homicidal football legend, O. J. Simpson.
JH: Thanks for joining us today, Mr. Simpson.
OJ: Call me Juice!
OJ: Fair enough.
JH: I want to get right to the question everybody wants to know: What was it like working with Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun films?
OJ: Oh, it was fantastic. Leslie Nielsen is a comic genius, and a joy to work with. Of course, if I ever found him sneaking around with my woman, I'd slit his fucking throat. Allegedly.
JH: I see. Recently, the Fox network had planned to broadcast an interview with you based on your new book, "If I Did It, Here's How it Happened". After considerable public outcry, many Fox affiliates announced that they would not air this interview. Fox subsequently pulled the broadcast and now your publisher refuses to release the book. Why do you think there was such a strong negative response?
OJ: Clearly it's because I'm black.
OJ: No, man... I'm just fucking with you! I think the negative response is due to the fact that people don't like murderers.
JH: Yeah, I was going to say...
OJ: Dude, people get PISSED when you commit double homicide! Allegedly. It's hard to get restaurant reservations, I can't seem to land any TV commercials. The Hertz Rent-a-Car people won't even return my calls. It's too bad they cancelled the interview though. It was awesome! I dished some serious dirt on how I MIGHT have sliced up that bitch Nicole and her little punk ass boyfriend. I provided titillating details on how I COULD have ditched the knife and the bloody gloves, and on my HYPOTHETICAL plan to blackmail Kato Kaelin into keeping his mouth shut.
JH: I must admit, that does sound like good TV! Plus, I figure FOX already took the PR hit just for producing the interview. If you're going to do the time, you might as well do the crime, right?
OJ: I'm really more about doing the crime, then NOT doing the time.
OJ: What sucks the worst about this is that I had plans to turn "If I Did It" into a weekly reality series.
JH: Oh yeah?
OJ: Every week I would confess to how I, OJ Simpson, would have committed a famous crime, IF I had been the one to commit that crime. The possibilities were endless! In the pilot episode, I confess to how I might have raped and murdered Jon Benet Ramsey. You know, IF it had been me doing the raping and murdering.
JH: That's reprehensible.
OJ: It gets even better! While I'm confessing, you get to see dramatic reenactments of the crime. Obviously, I play myself in these staged versions of the crime. I was even able to get Kato some work in the pilot.
JH: Who did he play? Jon Benet's father? Or did Kato play John Mark Karr?
OJ: No, Kato played Jon Benet. That guy's got more talent than anyone gives him credit for. He was surprisingly convincing as a six year old beauty queen. But now no one will get to see it because Rupert Murdoch is a big fat PUSSY.
JH: If you don't mind me asking, how much money were you going to make off of all this... the book, the interview special on Fox, this reality series?
OJ: Let's just say I was set to MAKE A KILLING!
JH: Good one, OJ.
OJ: Get it? "Make a killing", because I killed those people--
JH: --allegedly. Yeah, I get it. So what's next for you, Mr. Simpson?
OJ: Well, I'm thinking about getting into sports broadcasting.
JH: You want to call football games? Do you actually think any network will hire you? You murdered two people!
OJ: Well, Dennis Miller murders COMEDY every time he steps in front of a mic, but that didn't stop them from putting him on Monday Night Football.
JH: Hahaha. Nice Dennis Miller burn, OJ! I really wish that smarmy prick had been the one sleeping with your ex-wife.
OJ: I hear that! Seriously though, I'm not stupid. I know they won't hire me to broadcast football games. But I'm pretty sure I can land a gig doing color commentary for the underground knifef-ighting championships they do over in the Philippines.
JH: Outstanding. Well, thanks for talking with me today, OJ.
OJ: Maybe this interview happened, maybe it didn't. But if it did, then it was my pleasure!
JH: Whatever, jackass.