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November 03, 2006

The Price is JOEY

After nearly 500 years of entertaining shut-ins, old people, and the unemployed, Bob Barker is retiring from The Price Is Right.

Does this mean the end of America's favorite pricing-related game show? Hell no! The Price is Right will continue with a new host and a new IN YOUR FACE attitude. The next host of this classic game show wlll be: Joey Headset. Though I haven't been contacted yet by CBS, I am the obvious successor to Mr. Barker. I have my finger on the pulse of the American public and I always spay and neuter my neighbors' pets, even when they won't give me permission.


In order to ensure that the series continues for the next 500 years, I'll intend to make some big changes to the show. No one cares about the price of a 5 gallon drum of Tide laundry detergent or a Whirlpool washer/dryer combo. Today's television viewer expects MORE from a game show. They want action, surprises, and a high contestant mortality rate. More than this, viewers want a game show with a gritty, URBAN edge. And what viewers want, Joey delivers! Here are some new games that will be featured when I take over The Price is Right.

Price that Grill: America LOVES grillz. Not grills, the metal thing you cook meat on, but grillz, the metal thing you wear in your mouth! Rapper Paul Wall co-hosts this pricing game where contestants must guess the value of all the platinum/diamonds in the MC's pie-hole.


Guess right and you win an identical grill of your very own! If you guess wrong, Paul Wall may get offended and have his crew beat the crap out of you when you leave the studio. Don't worry: we'll be there with cameras.

Blingo: Remember Plinko? It's the most popular game on The Price is Right! Players take Plinko Chips and drop them down a pegboard, hoping to score large amounts of COLD HARD CASH. Blingo is just like Plinko, except that it's different in every conceivable way. In Blingo, players are given a diamond encrusted "Blingo Chip", hanging from a BANGIN gold chain -- a prize valued at $200,000! Contestants will be loaded into a van and dropped off in south-central Los Angeles. If they can survive for 3 hours, they get to keep the bling for themselves! If they are brutally murdered, their family gets a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni (the San Francisco Treat). It's a win/win situation!

Brand New Car: Over the years, TPIR has given away countless automobiles... but never like this. When we award cars, we pack them with a little something extra: a 20 lb. brick of uncut Columbian cocaine! This "special bonus prize" has a street value of over $900,000... but it's not actually part of the prize package. In order to claim their new car, contestants must go to Mexico and drive the car back to the US. Once they've cleared the border, a member of our crew will meet up with them to retrieve the goods. Rest assured, contestants: our Mexican associates stash the coke in a very well-hidden compartment. It's unlikely border guards will give you any trouble. However, if they do find the drugs, don't bother calling me. I don't know you.

Posted by Joey at November 3, 2006 03:56 PM

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Is this supposed to be funny?

Posted by: Alex at November 13, 2006 02:00 AM

Was that supposed to be an insult?

Posted by: joey at December 7, 2006 02:50 PM

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