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November 25, 2006

Stuffed for the Holidays

It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: TURKEY TIME! Everyone loves to eat turkey on thanksgiving. Everyone except vegetarians, but they can go fuck themselves. For the rest of us, there's only one bird that satisfies on the forth Thursday in November.

Yet... a turkey is ONLY ONE BIRD. The time you spend eating turkey is time you could have spent eating other animals. This is the dilemma of the holiday season. So much food to shove down your throat, but limited time and stomach space. In the future, medical breakthroughs will allow Americans to replace their traditional digestive systems with cybernetically enhanced systems, such as the UltraGut 4000. In the meantime, we have the Turducken.


It's a chicken, stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. SO AWESOME! In every delicious mouthful, you get to eat three different animals! This must be what Noah felt like when he forced the animals on the Ark to devour each other, just because he was bored of slaughtering and eating God's creatures one at a time. Seriously, what the fuck did you think he ate when he got hungry on that boat? God never told him to pack two of each energy bar.

Obviously the Turducken is the most festive of holiday entrees. But, couldn't it be even MORE festive than it already is? The concept of shoving one animal inside another is great, but why stop at just three animals? A large chicken has plenty of cavity space that would allow for the insertion of another, smaller animal. A suckling pig, perhaps? And you could probably find room inside that pig for a cornish game hen. The hen is rather small, but you could put a small frog inside it, and inside the frog you could shove a couple of snails. If frogs and snails are good enough for French people to eat they're good enough for you and me! Well, for you at least.

So now we have, not a Turducken, but a Turduckenpighenfroescargot. Sounds delightful! But why stop there? Sadly, there are no edible animals small enough to shove inside a snail. However, there are plenty of animals larger than a turkey, into which we could shove our entire Turduckenpig... etc. Imagine a cow stuffed with a goat stuffed with a lamb stuffed with the aforementioned Turduck concoction. The cow, in turn, could be shoved inside a buffalo which could be inserted into a whale. The resulting food extravaganza would be called a Whabuffacowgolamturk... fuck it, let's just call it DELICIOUS.

Remember, the more animals you eat, the more God loves you. It says so in the bible, right next to the passage about how "vicious, ignorant assholes shall inherit the earth".

Posted by Joey at November 25, 2006 04:37 AM

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