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November 20, 2006

PS3 Alternatives

Every holiday season, there's one MUST HAVE gift that all the kids want -- and it's often hard to keep track of what that gift is. Children are a fickle lot. One moment they want a "Tickle Me Elmo", the next they want "Touch Me Inappropriately Grover" or whatever the fuck the ankle-biters are into right now. In 2006, there's good news and bad news for parents. The good news: this year there's no mystery about what gift kids want. They all want a Sony Playstation 3 video game system. The bad news: the PS3 costs $700 and you won't even be able to find one anywhere.

Attention parents: you're screwed. You won't be able to buy a PS3 and Christmas morning will bring nothing but cranky, disappointed children. If I were the parent, I'd smack those bitchy kids upside their heads and tell them to SHUT THEIR SPOILED PIE-HOLES. This is why I don't have children (also, it's a condition of my parole). However, for those of you who actually want to make your children HAPPY, here are some other gifts that your kids might enjoy.

BB Gun

Kids LOVE guns. The only reason why anyone even wants a PS3 is so they can play violent games, like Resistance: Fall of Man. This is a game where you run around killing hordes of badass alien monster type creatures. What do you kill them with? Guns. LOTS OF GUNS. So if you can't buy your kids a game system that will allow them to simulate gunplay, why not get them the next best thing: an actual gun! Of course, your kids will crave only the biggest, deadliest weapons around: assault rifles, grenade launchers, plasma cannons. These weapons are TOTALLY AWESOME. Sadly, the rifle and grenade launcher aren't legal for civilians... and plasma cannons don't actually exist. Yet. Therefore your kid will have to settle for a humble BB gun. Some of the more safety conscious parents might be thinking: "A BB gun... my kid will shoot his eye out!" We've all seen A Christmas Story, you know what I'm talking about.


Statistically speaking, your kid has a better chance of being molested by a member of congress than of shooting his eye out with a BB gun. This is to say, your child will almost certainly shoot his eye out. But, with only one eye, your kid will hardly be able to appreciate the PS3's brilliant high-rez graphics. This will diminish his interest in video games, allowing him to focus his attention on solitary brooding and teenage revenge fantasies.

Chemistry Set

If your kid isn't interested in guns (*cough* HOMO *cough*) perhaps he might be interested in exploring the exciting mysteries of science... with a brand new chemistry kit! At first, your kid might be disappointed. Chemistry certainly isn't as sexy as a brand new video game system. However, your kid will quickly discover that a chemistry kit can be used for more than lame experiments. Clever children can use a chemistry kit to make Crystal Meth! Kids who can make their own drugs are never at a loss for pals. By pals, of course, I mean skank bitches who are willing to trade sex for meth. Between cooking up the meth, selling it on the street and banging all those meth bitches, your child will be WAY to busy to mess around with video games.

Crystal Meth

Chemistry sets make great gifts for children who are bright and possess a healthy curiosity about the world around them. However, most children do not fit this description. Your average American child is dull, lacking in basic reasoning skills and his curiosity is limited to imagining what Lindsay Lohan would look like wearing nothing but those revolting freckles. If you give your kid a chemistry set, chances are he won't even be smart enough to blow up his bedroom or poison his little brother. (Yes, I'm assuming this child is male. Who the hell would give a chemistry set to a GIRL?) Parents with stupid children should forget about the chem set and just give their kids a big sack of crystal meth. If your kid is cunning and has an entrepreneurial spirit, he can sell those drugs and make enough money to buy his own PS3. Otherwise, he'll just smoke the crystal meth. Or snort it. Or shove it up his urethra. This might not be the best situation -- kids on meth don't have an appropriate respect for the concept of "bedtime". On the plus side, meth addicted children are very easy to shop for. You won't have to worry about what to get your kid for his birthday. Or Christmas. Or when he's threatening to stab you.

Posted by Joey at November 20, 2006 02:08 AM

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