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November 14, 2006

Bring Back the TRANS fats

Bowing down to pressure from Nutritionistas, Kentucky Fried Chicken is joining the rest of the fast food industry in dropping trans fats from their menu. This move has been a long time coming. For years, health experts have insisted that trans fats cause heart disease, diabetes and even liver damage. I'm no expert on health, but I am an expert on DELICIOUSNESS. As an expert, I can say authoritatively: trans fats are delicious!

Of course, this is hardly surprising. ALL fats are delicious. And, as fats go, trans fats are actually less delicious than the regular ones. Remember: margarine = trans fat, butter = regular fat. Obviously butter tastes better, and it doesn't even kill you as fast as the fake stuff. So why would anyone choose to use trans fats? Fast food companies used them because they have a longer shelf life. A KFC drumstick cooked in partially hydrogenated soybean oil will stay extra-tasty-crispy for up to 12 years. Coincidentally, that's how long the breading from that chicken will remain in your gastrointestinal tract. Trans fats are cheap, convenient, and toxic to human beings. Trans fats are what fast food is all about, and KFC should be ashamed to let them go.

If KFC really wants to ban something from their restaurants, they shouldn't ban trans fats. They should ban fat trannies!

dnf_trnsfts_rsod_1.jpg

I don't need science or doctors to tell me what I should eat. That's what TELEVISION is for. If KFC runs ads telling me I should eat a bowl of chicken, cheese, corn, gravy and marshed portaters, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. Fuck, I'll eat small rodents if KFC covers them in the Colonel's "secret recipe" of eleven herbs and partially hydrogenated spices. If those deep fried rodent morsels weren't Finger Lickin' Good, why would KFC waste money advertising them? Trust me when I tell you that I will never capitulate to the will of the granola crunching health maniacs who would turn every greasy chicken joint in America into a vegan cafe. I'll eat anything KFC is willing to serve, and I don't care WHAT effects it might have on my health. Trans fats, faux fats, ultra fats, quantum fats -- BRING EM' ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

But I still won't eat at Arby's. Even I have my limit.

Posted by Joey at November 14, 2006 04:23 PM

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