November 25, 2006
Stuffed for the Holidays
It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: TURKEY TIME! Everyone loves to eat turkey on thanksgiving. Everyone except vegetarians, but they can go fuck themselves. For the rest of us, there's only one bird that satisfies on the forth Thursday in November.
Yet... a turkey is ONLY ONE BIRD. The time you spend eating turkey is time you could have spent eating other animals. This is the dilemma of the holiday season. So much food to shove down your throat, but limited time and stomach space. In the future, medical breakthroughs will allow Americans to replace their traditional digestive systems with cybernetically enhanced systems, such as the UltraGut 4000. In the meantime, we have the Turducken.
It's a chicken, stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. SO AWESOME! In every delicious mouthful, you get to eat three different animals! This must be what Noah felt like when he forced the animals on the Ark to devour each other, just because he was bored of slaughtering and eating God's creatures one at a time. Seriously, what the fuck did you think he ate when he got hungry on that boat? God never told him to pack two of each energy bar.
Obviously the Turducken is the most festive of holiday entrees. But, couldn't it be even MORE festive than it already is? The concept of shoving one animal inside another is great, but why stop at just three animals? A large chicken has plenty of cavity space that would allow for the insertion of another, smaller animal. A suckling pig, perhaps? And you could probably find room inside that pig for a cornish game hen. The hen is rather small, but you could put a small frog inside it, and inside the frog you could shove a couple of snails. If frogs and snails are good enough for French people to eat they're good enough for you and me! Well, for you at least.
So now we have, not a Turducken, but a Turduckenpighenfroescargot. Sounds delightful! But why stop there? Sadly, there are no edible animals small enough to shove inside a snail. However, there are plenty of animals larger than a turkey, into which we could shove our entire Turduckenpig... etc. Imagine a cow stuffed with a goat stuffed with a lamb stuffed with the aforementioned Turduck concoction. The cow, in turn, could be shoved inside a buffalo which could be inserted into a whale. The resulting food extravaganza would be called a Whabuffacowgolamturk... fuck it, let's just call it DELICIOUS.
Remember, the more animals you eat, the more God loves you. It says so in the bible, right next to the passage about how "vicious, ignorant assholes shall inherit the earth".
November 20, 2006
Every holiday season, there's one MUST HAVE gift that all the kids want -- and it's often hard to keep track of what that gift is. Children are a fickle lot. One moment they want a "Tickle Me Elmo", the next they want "Touch Me Inappropriately Grover" or whatever the fuck the ankle-biters are into right now. In 2006, there's good news and bad news for parents. The good news: this year there's no mystery about what gift kids want. They all want a Sony Playstation 3 video game system. The bad news: the PS3 costs $700 and you won't even be able to find one anywhere.
Attention parents: you're screwed. You won't be able to buy a PS3 and Christmas morning will bring nothing but cranky, disappointed children. If I were the parent, I'd smack those bitchy kids upside their heads and tell them to SHUT THEIR SPOILED PIE-HOLES. This is why I don't have children (also, it's a condition of my parole). However, for those of you who actually want to make your children HAPPY, here are some other gifts that your kids might enjoy.
Kids LOVE guns. The only reason why anyone even wants a PS3 is so they can play violent games, like Resistance: Fall of Man. This is a game where you run around killing hordes of badass alien monster type creatures. What do you kill them with? Guns. LOTS OF GUNS. So if you can't buy your kids a game system that will allow them to simulate gunplay, why not get them the next best thing: an actual gun! Of course, your kids will crave only the biggest, deadliest weapons around: assault rifles, grenade launchers, plasma cannons. These weapons are TOTALLY AWESOME. Sadly, the rifle and grenade launcher aren't legal for civilians... and plasma cannons don't actually exist. Yet. Therefore your kid will have to settle for a humble BB gun. Some of the more safety conscious parents might be thinking: "A BB gun... my kid will shoot his eye out!" We've all seen A Christmas Story, you know what I'm talking about.
Statistically speaking, your kid has a better chance of being molested by a member of congress than of shooting his eye out with a BB gun. This is to say, your child will almost certainly shoot his eye out. But, with only one eye, your kid will hardly be able to appreciate the PS3's brilliant high-rez graphics. This will diminish his interest in video games, allowing him to focus his attention on solitary brooding and teenage revenge fantasies.
If your kid isn't interested in guns (*cough* HOMO *cough*) perhaps he might be interested in exploring the exciting mysteries of science... with a brand new chemistry kit! At first, your kid might be disappointed. Chemistry certainly isn't as sexy as a brand new video game system. However, your kid will quickly discover that a chemistry kit can be used for more than lame experiments. Clever children can use a chemistry kit to make Crystal Meth! Kids who can make their own drugs are never at a loss for pals. By pals, of course, I mean skank bitches who are willing to trade sex for meth. Between cooking up the meth, selling it on the street and banging all those meth bitches, your child will be WAY to busy to mess around with video games.
Chemistry sets make great gifts for children who are bright and possess a healthy curiosity about the world around them. However, most children do not fit this description. Your average American child is dull, lacking in basic reasoning skills and his curiosity is limited to imagining what Lindsay Lohan would look like wearing nothing but those revolting freckles. If you give your kid a chemistry set, chances are he won't even be smart enough to blow up his bedroom or poison his little brother. (Yes, I'm assuming this child is male. Who the hell would give a chemistry set to a GIRL?) Parents with stupid children should forget about the chem set and just give their kids a big sack of crystal meth. If your kid is cunning and has an entrepreneurial spirit, he can sell those drugs and make enough money to buy his own PS3. Otherwise, he'll just smoke the crystal meth. Or snort it. Or shove it up his urethra. This might not be the best situation -- kids on meth don't have an appropriate respect for the concept of "bedtime". On the plus side, meth addicted children are very easy to shop for. You won't have to worry about what to get your kid for his birthday. Or Christmas. Or when he's threatening to stab you.
November 16, 2006
What's the internet made of?
In the last 24 hours, many websites linked to this story: "Only 1% of Web is Porn". This is certainly a surprise, but it may lead you to wonder: What's the other 99%? Good question! I've done some research and put together this chart to illustrate the answer.
November 14, 2006
Bring Back the TRANS fats
Bowing down to pressure from Nutritionistas, Kentucky Fried Chicken is joining the rest of the fast food industry in dropping trans fats from their menu. This move has been a long time coming. For years, health experts have insisted that trans fats cause heart disease, diabetes and even liver damage. I'm no expert on health, but I am an expert on DELICIOUSNESS. As an expert, I can say authoritatively: trans fats are delicious!
Of course, this is hardly surprising. ALL fats are delicious. And, as fats go, trans fats are actually less delicious than the regular ones. Remember: margarine = trans fat, butter = regular fat. Obviously butter tastes better, and it doesn't even kill you as fast as the fake stuff. So why would anyone choose to use trans fats? Fast food companies used them because they have a longer shelf life. A KFC drumstick cooked in partially hydrogenated soybean oil will stay extra-tasty-crispy for up to 12 years. Coincidentally, that's how long the breading from that chicken will remain in your gastrointestinal tract. Trans fats are cheap, convenient, and toxic to human beings. Trans fats are what fast food is all about, and KFC should be ashamed to let them go.
If KFC really wants to ban something from their restaurants, they shouldn't ban trans fats. They should ban fat trannies!
I don't need science or doctors to tell me what I should eat. That's what TELEVISION is for. If KFC runs ads telling me I should eat a bowl of chicken, cheese, corn, gravy and marshed portaters, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. Fuck, I'll eat small rodents if KFC covers them in the Colonel's "secret recipe" of eleven herbs and partially hydrogenated spices. If those deep fried rodent morsels weren't Finger Lickin' Good, why would KFC waste money advertising them? Trust me when I tell you that I will never capitulate to the will of the granola crunching health maniacs who would turn every greasy chicken joint in America into a vegan cafe. I'll eat anything KFC is willing to serve, and I don't care WHAT effects it might have on my health. Trans fats, faux fats, ultra fats, quantum fats -- BRING EM' ON, MOTHERFUCKER!
But I still won't eat at Arby's. Even I have my limit.
November 10, 2006
November 06, 2006
Joey Headset, Novelist
Like most pretentious assholes, I believe I've got The Great American Novel somewhere inside me. I can't say exactly where inside me (and numerous body-cavity searches have failed to shed any light on the matter). But I'm not discouraged. One way or the other, I intend to become a novelist.
There are many great reasons to write a novel. First of all, I've heard that many people enjoy reading. I'm not one of them, of course. I don't read novels, but I do sometimes watch movies based on novels. In my experience, these movies almost always suck. So, if I write a novel that doesn't suck, maybe there will eventually be a movie based on it that won't be a total ripoff. I'd probably get free tickets too, if it was based on my novel... so that's another plus!
Another reason to write a novel is because novelists get MAD respect. Just look at some of the brilliant and dignified individuals who are published fiction writers:
The life of a novelist is glamorous and exciting. I often see them on TV talk shows and is all "WOW, HOW DID YOU GET THE INSPIRATION FOR THAT CHARACTER?" and the writers are all "BLAH BLAH I KNOW A LOT OF BIG WORDS." That should be me out there, touring the talk show circuit and plugging my novel! I'd be all "BLAH BLAH I'M SO INTERESTING BUY MY BOOK."
Really, there's only reason I haven't yet written a novel. I'm lazy. Very lazy. Honestly, I can scarcely summon the will to bathe myself and put on clean underwear (though I suppose I wouldn't be expected to do either of these if I were a professional writer). Writing a novel always seemed like it would require more effort than I was willing to expend. Until now!
I recently discovered that November is National Novel Writing Month, AKA NaNoWriMo. The concept is very simple: NaNoWriMo challenges would-be novelists to conceive, draft and complete a 50,000 word novel is just 30 days. At this very moment, hundreds of talentless hacks are spewing horrible prose into their MacBooks and ThinkPads. Soon, I will be one of those talentless hacks! Since I only just learned about NaNoWriMo, I'm already behind the pace. If I'm going to get this novel done on time, I'll need to get started RIGHT AWAY. Well, right away... after I watch some TV and play a few rounds of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2007 on my PS2. TIGER TIGER WOODS YA'LL!
As I proceed with this novel, I'll post updates to let you know how it's going. Good novelists suffer for their art. I intend to make you suffer right along with me.
November 03, 2006
The Price is JOEY
After nearly 500 years of entertaining shut-ins, old people, and the unemployed, Bob Barker is retiring from The Price Is Right.
Does this mean the end of America's favorite pricing-related game show? Hell no! The Price is Right will continue with a new host and a new IN YOUR FACE attitude. The next host of this classic game show wlll be: Joey Headset. Though I haven't been contacted yet by CBS, I am the obvious successor to Mr. Barker. I have my finger on the pulse of the American public and I always spay and neuter my neighbors' pets, even when they won't give me permission.
In order to ensure that the series continues for the next 500 years, I'll intend to make some big changes to the show. No one cares about the price of a 5 gallon drum of Tide laundry detergent or a Whirlpool washer/dryer combo. Today's television viewer expects MORE from a game show. They want action, surprises, and a high contestant mortality rate. More than this, viewers want a game show with a gritty, URBAN edge. And what viewers want, Joey delivers! Here are some new games that will be featured when I take over The Price is Right.
Price that Grill: America LOVES grillz. Not grills, the metal thing you cook meat on, but grillz, the metal thing you wear in your mouth! Rapper Paul Wall co-hosts this pricing game where contestants must guess the value of all the platinum/diamonds in the MC's pie-hole.
Guess right and you win an identical grill of your very own! If you guess wrong, Paul Wall may get offended and have his crew beat the crap out of you when you leave the studio. Don't worry: we'll be there with cameras.
Blingo: Remember Plinko? It's the most popular game on The Price is Right! Players take Plinko Chips and drop them down a pegboard, hoping to score large amounts of COLD HARD CASH. Blingo is just like Plinko, except that it's different in every conceivable way. In Blingo, players are given a diamond encrusted "Blingo Chip", hanging from a BANGIN gold chain -- a prize valued at $200,000! Contestants will be loaded into a van and dropped off in south-central Los Angeles. If they can survive for 3 hours, they get to keep the bling for themselves! If they are brutally murdered, their family gets a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni (the San Francisco Treat). It's a win/win situation!
Brand New Car: Over the years, TPIR has given away countless automobiles... but never like this. When we award cars, we pack them with a little something extra: a 20 lb. brick of uncut Columbian cocaine! This "special bonus prize" has a street value of over $900,000... but it's not actually part of the prize package. In order to claim their new car, contestants must go to Mexico and drive the car back to the US. Once they've cleared the border, a member of our crew will meet up with them to retrieve the goods. Rest assured, contestants: our Mexican associates stash the coke in a very well-hidden compartment. It's unlikely border guards will give you any trouble. However, if they do find the drugs, don't bother calling me. I don't know you.