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October 18, 2006

Supplementing My Income

I'm always looking for ways to earn a little extra money. Well... "earn" might not be the right word. That suggests I'm willing to work for the money, which isn't really my thing. For this reason, I was thrilled to discover that I could bring in some extra cash playing poker on the internet. I'm not a very good poker player, but there are many players who are even worse than I am! It's pretty easy to take their money. Plus, I don't have to get up from my computer, which is WHERE I KEEP MY PORN.

What a perfect situation. So perfect, congress decided to make it illegal.


You see, Internet Poker is a threat to National Security. Specifically, it threatens our ports -- that's why they added an anti-poker amendment to a port security bill. I'm not sure how poker threatens the ports... maybe they're afraid that customs officials will be so busy "check-rasing the flop" that they won't notice while terrorists smuggle WMDs into the suburbs.

Also, it turns out that gambling is IMMORAL and BAD FOR SOCIETY. The Republicans who passed the law said so, and they're sort of experts when it comes to morality and stuff! Did you know that poker kills over 30,000 people every year? Wait... no, that's firearms, and we all know there's nothing immoral about unrestricted gun ownership. Anyone who says differently is just begging to get shot.

The good news for me is that the internet poker law can't be effectively enforced. I could easily continue playing without fear of imprisonment. But if poker truly is immoral, I should find a new method of supplementing my income... one that is harmonious with the moral values of our Republican congress. War Profiteering seems to be pretty popular -- particularly among the people who voted to make poker illegal. But how am I supposed to make money off of people murdering each other overseas? I can't even make money off of people killing each other here in the US. Believe me, I've tried.

I heard that some people get paid NOT to grow corn... that sounds like something I could do. I'm already very good at not growing corn! However, I think you have to live in the middle of the country and own a crapload of land in order to get money for not growing stuff. I think that's totally unfair, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Fortunately, I just devised a great money making plan that beats war profiteering AND scamming agricultural subsidies:


A new and ultra-conservative Supreme Court is gearing up to overturn Roe Vs. Wade -- the court case that established abortion as a constitutional right. Once they do that, most states will pass all sorts of laws preventing doctors from performing procedures that would terminate a pregnancy. This is where I step in! Every prohibition creates a black market, and you know that women aren't going to stop getting themselves knocked up just because a bunch of angry old men took away their "Plan B". This is where your boy Joey steps in!

I know that most people think that abortion is a "medical procedure" that should be performed by "real doctors" with "medical training". But if the government makes the procedure illegal for doctors, I'm guessing these preggo bitches will have to take what they can get. And what they can get is ME. Anyway, how hard can it be to terminate a pregnancy? Can't be any harder than causing a pregnancy, and that shit's so easy, you can do it accidentally.


Obviously, I'd need to to a little research... mostly to figure out which part of a woman's body contains the fetus (or "baby sac" as it is more commonly known). I'm pretty sure the fetus is near the femur, but I'll need to double-check that. Once I track down the baby-zone, all I need to do is [CENSORED, SEE COMMENTS FOR MORE INFORMATION]. It's that simple! And these don't have to be "back-alley" abortions. We could do them anywhere: in basements, garages... behind the dumpster out by Applebee's. It's all good!

I really feel good about my new part-time gig. Abortion is lucrative, ethical and I figure it's a great way of meeting young women who aren't afraid to "give up the booty". I mean, that's how they ended up preggers in the first place.

It is... isn't it?

Posted by Joey at October 18, 2006 05:00 AM

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The censored section of the entry above was going to include the phrases "sharp object" and "wiggle it around a bit". I figured it was better not to, as they say, *go there*.

Posted by: joey at October 18, 2006 05:08 AM

okay, see, this is crossing all sorts of lines.

good job.

The thing about abortion though.... see, I've always believed that guns don't kill people, people kill people. right? I mean, a gun's not going to go over and shoot someone by itself.

So by the same logic we should be able to have all the plan B pills and stuff, but just make medical practices have a 9 month waiting period for approval. That way people wouldn't be killing people, and we can still have the little pills that *obviously* don't do anything, just like guns.


Posted by: Mugihiko at October 18, 2006 07:43 AM

I've always believed that people with guns kill a lot more people than people without guns. That's why we give those nice young men rifles before we send them off to Iraq (where they will surely be greeted as liberators). If guns didn't make killing people quite a bit easier, I figure we'd equip our soldiers with something a little less bulky... perhaps iPods?

The thing about guns is that they tend to turn ordinary disputes into deadly ones. When people with guns get pissed off, they tend to shoot people If someone at a bar gets pissed off at me (as they are wont to do) I'd prefer they not be strapped. That way, I'll get my ass kicked... not shot. School shootings tend not to happen in countries where children don't have easy access to guns. And it's not because kids in those other countries don't FEEL like gunning down their classmates.

However, your point about abortion may be valid. How about this: there should be same waiting period for guns and abortions. This seems fair, plus, the Republican party would rip itself to shreds trying to figure out exactly how long such a waiting period should be. That would make for some entertaining C-SPAN viewing!

Posted by: joey at October 18, 2006 06:54 PM

Ahh... gotcha. You'd think that I, of all people, would be able to discern sarcasm when it's presented to me. Maybe I've developed such a high sarcasm tolerance from this website that it has screwed my sarcasm radar*.

*Sarcasm Radar, AKA Sar-Dar. Sort if like Gay-Dar but not quite as gay.

Posted by: joey at October 19, 2006 04:50 PM

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