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October 27, 2006

Get Your Scare On: A Joey Headset Guide to Halloween

Regarding Halloween, I believe it was the rap group Wreckx-N-Effect that said it best when they said "I ain't into trickin, just the treatin -- and I ain't into treatin every trick that I'm eatin!" Truer words were never spoken. Of course, the song that included this lyric was entitled "Rump Shaker". So I suppose it's possible they weren't talking about Halloween so much as they were talking about... well, rump shaking. Even so, the sentiment is still valid! Halloween is the scariest and awesomeist holiday around. But it's SO misunderstood! Most people don't even know the history of the holiday.

Halloween was established in the late 1880's by George Renninger, a professional confectioner. After inventing Candy Corn, one of the least appealing candy products of all time, Renninger struggled to sell those putrid crap-nuggets to the public.


Renninger had little luck... until he tripped over an old fruitcake he had placed under the leg of a wobbly coffee table. He thought to himself, "No one actually likes fruitcakes, but they always buy them at Christmas, just because they're TRADITIONAL." In a sudden burst of inspiration, Renninger created Halloween: a holiday specifically designed to sell Candy Corn. Renninger couldn't make palatable candy to save his life... but he was a marketing GENIUS!

Halloween is a special kind of holiday. We observe typical holidays by over-indulging on alcohol. This is true for Christmas, New Years, Columbus Day... Ramadan. Halloween is different because we celebrate by over-indulging on candy rather than booze. This is not to say there's no drinking on Halloween. There is drinking. A LOT of drinking. But it's really more about the candy, and various forms of recreational vandalism. Remember: Halloween is the only day of the year when destroying other people's property is perfectly legal. Well, it's legal so long as no one sees you do it. Some people like to TP their neighbor's yard or throw eggs at their front door. Personally, I like to go that extra mile and smash up the windows on his Madza Miata. One time, I even set his dog on fire. That's a Halloween neither I nor my neighbor will soon forget!

Of course, we can't neglect the most popular aspect of Halloween: the costumes! When it comes to Halloween costumes, there are different expectations for girls and guys. For the ladies, Halloween isn't a time for dressing up -- it's a time for dressing in not very much at all! I know it gets chilly in late October, but trust your friend Joey when he tells you bitches: less (clothing) is more! But this doesn't mean you have to dress like a WHORE. Though, come to think of it, a whore costume would be an excellent choice. However, there are other options. You could show up to a Halloween party dressed as a vampire. A SLUTTY vampire. Also acceptable: slutty nurses, slutty wood nymphs, slutty tax accountants. As long as the costume is slutty, it's ALL GOOD. Unless you're ugly. In that case, you should come dressed as a ghost... or any other costume where you cover yourself with a sheet.

Fellas have much more flexibility when selecting costumes. Be creative! Last year I went out dressed as a vicious gang member. I wore a blue bandana (CRIPS 4 LIFE!) and carried a big knife. When I went out Trick-or-Treating, I didn't just get lots of candy. I also got watches, jewelry... even a couple of wallets! Best Halloween EVER. The year before that, I went out dressed as a male prostitute.


Sadly, nobody wanted to give me any treats. But a few people I met out on the street were interested in TRICKS -- and they were even willing to pay for them. I'll take $50 cash over "fun-sized" Snickers any day of the week!


Halloween is the most fun you have without breaking state or federal laws. Have a great time Trick-or-Treating... and STAY SAFE! If you find any razor blades in your candy, be sure to rinse them thoroughly before popping them in your mouth.

Posted by Joey at October 27, 2006 04:51 PM

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