October 27, 2006
Get Your Scare On: A Joey Headset Guide to Halloween
Regarding Halloween, I believe it was the rap group Wreckx-N-Effect that said it best when they said "I ain't into trickin, just the treatin -- and I ain't into treatin every trick that I'm eatin!" Truer words were never spoken. Of course, the song that included this lyric was entitled "Rump Shaker". So I suppose it's possible they weren't talking about Halloween so much as they were talking about... well, rump shaking. Even so, the sentiment is still valid! Halloween is the scariest and awesomeist holiday around. But it's SO misunderstood! Most people don't even know the history of the holiday.
Halloween was established in the late 1880's by George Renninger, a professional confectioner. After inventing Candy Corn, one of the least appealing candy products of all time, Renninger struggled to sell those putrid crap-nuggets to the public.
Renninger had little luck... until he tripped over an old fruitcake he had placed under the leg of a wobbly coffee table. He thought to himself, "No one actually likes fruitcakes, but they always buy them at Christmas, just because they're TRADITIONAL." In a sudden burst of inspiration, Renninger created Halloween: a holiday specifically designed to sell Candy Corn. Renninger couldn't make palatable candy to save his life... but he was a marketing GENIUS!
Halloween is a special kind of holiday. We observe typical holidays by over-indulging on alcohol. This is true for Christmas, New Years, Columbus Day... Ramadan. Halloween is different because we celebrate by over-indulging on candy rather than booze. This is not to say there's no drinking on Halloween. There is drinking. A LOT of drinking. But it's really more about the candy, and various forms of recreational vandalism. Remember: Halloween is the only day of the year when destroying other people's property is perfectly legal. Well, it's legal so long as no one sees you do it. Some people like to TP their neighbor's yard or throw eggs at their front door. Personally, I like to go that extra mile and smash up the windows on his Madza Miata. One time, I even set his dog on fire. That's a Halloween neither I nor my neighbor will soon forget!
Of course, we can't neglect the most popular aspect of Halloween: the costumes! When it comes to Halloween costumes, there are different expectations for girls and guys. For the ladies, Halloween isn't a time for dressing up -- it's a time for dressing in not very much at all! I know it gets chilly in late October, but trust your friend Joey when he tells you bitches: less (clothing) is more! But this doesn't mean you have to dress like a WHORE. Though, come to think of it, a whore costume would be an excellent choice. However, there are other options. You could show up to a Halloween party dressed as a vampire. A SLUTTY vampire. Also acceptable: slutty nurses, slutty wood nymphs, slutty tax accountants. As long as the costume is slutty, it's ALL GOOD. Unless you're ugly. In that case, you should come dressed as a ghost... or any other costume where you cover yourself with a sheet.
Fellas have much more flexibility when selecting costumes. Be creative! Last year I went out dressed as a vicious gang member. I wore a blue bandana (CRIPS 4 LIFE!) and carried a big knife. When I went out Trick-or-Treating, I didn't just get lots of candy. I also got watches, jewelry... even a couple of wallets! Best Halloween EVER. The year before that, I went out dressed as a male prostitute.
Sadly, nobody wanted to give me any treats. But a few people I met out on the street were interested in TRICKS -- and they were even willing to pay for them. I'll take $50 cash over "fun-sized" Snickers any day of the week!
Halloween is the most fun you have without breaking state or federal laws. Have a great time Trick-or-Treating... and STAY SAFE! If you find any razor blades in your candy, be sure to rinse them thoroughly before popping them in your mouth.
October 25, 2006
Joey in Legends Magazine
I'm pleased to announce that joeyheadset.com has forged a STRATEGIC ALLIANCE with Legends Magazine. Legends is a much-beloved print/web zine covering the darker side of popular culture: gothic, industrial, horror flicks, Tony Danza. In the months to come, you will see some "classic" Joey material adapted for Legends, as well as some new material written exclusively for their publication. Check out Legends Mag today... and tell them that JOEY sent you!
October 21, 2006
Joey Shocks the Monkey
You may have seen this on Slashdot or Stereogum: Peter Gabriel hosted a contest to see who could do the best remix of his hit single from 1982, "Shock the Monkey". Though a winner has already been selected, I felt I had to contribute my own Shock the Monkey remix. I'm calling this the Joey Headset ULTRALITERAL mix. I hope you enjoy it!
October 18, 2006
Supplementing My Income
I'm always looking for ways to earn a little extra money. Well... "earn" might not be the right word. That suggests I'm willing to work for the money, which isn't really my thing. For this reason, I was thrilled to discover that I could bring in some extra cash playing poker on the internet. I'm not a very good poker player, but there are many players who are even worse than I am! It's pretty easy to take their money. Plus, I don't have to get up from my computer, which is WHERE I KEEP MY PORN.
What a perfect situation. So perfect, congress decided to make it illegal.
You see, Internet Poker is a threat to National Security. Specifically, it threatens our ports -- that's why they added an anti-poker amendment to a port security bill. I'm not sure how poker threatens the ports... maybe they're afraid that customs officials will be so busy "check-rasing the flop" that they won't notice while terrorists smuggle WMDs into the suburbs.
Also, it turns out that gambling is IMMORAL and BAD FOR SOCIETY. The Republicans who passed the law said so, and they're sort of experts when it comes to morality and stuff! Did you know that poker kills over 30,000 people every year? Wait... no, that's firearms, and we all know there's nothing immoral about unrestricted gun ownership. Anyone who says differently is just begging to get shot.
The good news for me is that the internet poker law can't be effectively enforced. I could easily continue playing without fear of imprisonment. But if poker truly is immoral, I should find a new method of supplementing my income... one that is harmonious with the moral values of our Republican congress. War Profiteering seems to be pretty popular -- particularly among the people who voted to make poker illegal. But how am I supposed to make money off of people murdering each other overseas? I can't even make money off of people killing each other here in the US. Believe me, I've tried.
I heard that some people get paid NOT to grow corn... that sounds like something I could do. I'm already very good at not growing corn! However, I think you have to live in the middle of the country and own a crapload of land in order to get money for not growing stuff. I think that's totally unfair, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Fortunately, I just devised a great money making plan that beats war profiteering AND scamming agricultural subsidies:
A new and ultra-conservative Supreme Court is gearing up to overturn Roe Vs. Wade -- the court case that established abortion as a constitutional right. Once they do that, most states will pass all sorts of laws preventing doctors from performing procedures that would terminate a pregnancy. This is where I step in! Every prohibition creates a black market, and you know that women aren't going to stop getting themselves knocked up just because a bunch of angry old men took away their "Plan B". This is where your boy Joey steps in!
I know that most people think that abortion is a "medical procedure" that should be performed by "real doctors" with "medical training". But if the government makes the procedure illegal for doctors, I'm guessing these preggo bitches will have to take what they can get. And what they can get is ME. Anyway, how hard can it be to terminate a pregnancy? Can't be any harder than causing a pregnancy, and that shit's so easy, you can do it accidentally.
Obviously, I'd need to to a little research... mostly to figure out which part of a woman's body contains the fetus (or "baby sac" as it is more commonly known). I'm pretty sure the fetus is near the femur, but I'll need to double-check that. Once I track down the baby-zone, all I need to do is [CENSORED, SEE COMMENTS FOR MORE INFORMATION]. It's that simple! And these don't have to be "back-alley" abortions. We could do them anywhere: in basements, garages... behind the dumpster out by Applebee's. It's all good!
I really feel good about my new part-time gig. Abortion is lucrative, ethical and I figure it's a great way of meeting young women who aren't afraid to "give up the booty". I mean, that's how they ended up preggers in the first place.
It is... isn't it?
October 13, 2006
ROCKIN VW Promotion
I need a car.
Actually, I already have a car, but it no longer meets my needs. You see, any car I drive has to look COOL and have plenty of room for BITCHES. Also, it would be a plus if the car actually STARTED when I turn the key, rather than making a harsh grinding sound... as my current vehicle often does.
When shopping for a new ride, one must consider many different factors: price, gas mileage, reliability, crash ratings. These are all important features -- but fuck all that, I'm buying the car that comes with the coolest promotional gift.
If I buy a Volkswagen Rabbit, Beetle or Jetta right now, I get a free electric guitar! And I can plug it into my car stereo!!! I am an avid Air Guitarist, and I've been waiting for an opportunity to transition my skills into Real Guitar. Plus, I've been looking for something entertaining to do while I drive... though I wonder how I'm going to talk on my cell phone, eat a burrito AND play guitar at the same time. Oh, and I guess I'll also need to steer the car... unless I can get one of those GPS systems that steers the car automatically. Those do exist, right?
But, I shouldn't be too hasty here. Though Volkswagen's guitar promotion is tempting, there are some other appealing promotions out there: Toyota is offering a free pair of Birkenstocks to every dirty, smelly hippy who buys one of their hybrid Prius vehicles. That's a sweet deal! Also, Chevrolet is offering a free mullet to anyone who test drives a 2007 Camaro. Stylish!
Finally, if you purchase a new Hummer H3, you will receive a complimentary dildo from the Hummer Corporation. This may be the best deal of all -- now everyone who drives a Hummer can go fuck themselves! Of course, I've been encouraging them to do this for years...
October 07, 2006
The Blog-O-Sphere is all a-twitter about Mark Foley, a Republican Congressman who sent dirty emails to underage boys. FOX News -- always fair and balanced -- has covered this story admirably... except for one minor factual error. They keep referring to Foley as a Democrat.
Oops! Of course, lefty bloggers attribute this error to political bias on the part of FOX News. I suppose this could be true, but in FOX's defense, it is always hard to tell Democrats from Republicans. You certainly can't tell them apart just by looking at them. I've tried -- they all look the same! Well, at least they do on the outside. I've been told that Democrats have bleeding hearts and that Republicans have hearts that are cold and black in appearance... but I don't see how this information can help me distinguish between them. Unless I strap them down and cut open their chests, but there's probably a law against that.
In order to help you tell who belongs to what political party, I've prepared the following visual guide. I hope you find it helpful and informative.
October 03, 2006
Joey Headset on Myspace
Would you like to be my friend? My SPECIAL INTERNET FRIEND?
If so, here's some happy news especially for YOU. Joey Headset is finally on Myspace. W00t! Though I find the entire concept of "social networking" sites utterly repugnant, I figured that joining the Myspace would give me a new way of connecting with my readers. Also, I heard Myspace was a great place to solicit sex from underage girls.
So... what can you expect to see on the Joey Headset Myspace page? Special updates? Exclusive content? No. Not so much. I can barely be bothered to update this site, I'll be damned if I'm going to crank out new material just for the Myspace site. Nevertheless, if you want to be my "friend" on Myspace, I'll be happy to have you.
Unless you suck.