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September 13, 2006

Fun and Games on the iPod

I like to play games. I'm a gamer. And, since I don't really enjoy the company of "other people", I prefer games that I can play alone. Back in high school, many of my classmates commented on how much I like to play with myself. What can I say... guilty as charged!

And this is a great time to be a solitary gamer. Why? Because games are everywhere! I can play solitaire on my computer, my cell phone, my toaster and on several pairs of boxer shorts that I own. Yet... there is one device I own that has remained frustratingly gameless. My iPod. When I finally purchased my first iPod last month, I was SHOCKED to discover that it did nothing but play music. I couldn't score touchdowns on it, couldn't kill aliens or simulate ancient military campaigns. I couldn't even collect gold coins! I very nearly threw my iPod down the garbage disposal. Good thing I didn't! Yesterday, the iTunes Music Store started offering games. Games... FOR MY iPOD!!! Finally, I can stop listening to all this stupid music and start playing some stupid games!

However, looking through the available games, I'm a bit underwhelmed. Tetris and Pac-Man are classics, I guess, but I've already played those a MILLION times. Mahjong is boring and Texas Hold'em is only fun if you're drunk and playing for real money. Then there's the price. Each game costs $5. WTF! For $5 dollars I could buy a six pack of beer... or two six packs of really crappy beer! Can these iPod games really provide more entertainment than good old fashioned alcohol? I doubt it.

Though I can't bring myself to pay for these iPod games, I still feel I'm entitled to a quality gaming experience on my personal music player. Therefore, I have invented some SUPER FUN games that anyone can play on their iPod... and they are totally free! If you're a cheap bastard who loves games (like me!), I'm certain these games will provide you with hours of marginal entertainment:

iPod Karaoke: On my iPod, I keep a special playlist of songs I like to sing in the shower. There's lots of Journey, REO Speedwagon, Hilary Duff. I've discovered that the only thing more fun than singing these songs in the shower is singing them as loud as I can when I'm out with my iPod. I generally play this game when I'm shopping at Wal-Mart, and I score points every time someone shoots me a dirty look. I score LOTS of points.

John Mayer Russian Roulette: In order to play, you must upload one John Mayer song onto your iPod. To start the game, you will put your player into random "shuffle" mode. Then, you will hit play and press the Track Forward button 10 times. If the John Mayer track is randomly selected, you are required to destroy your iPod immediately with a sledgehammer. Either that or be forced to listen to it.

Dance! Dance! iPod-lution: This is the perfect game for those who listen to their iPod in public places. Again, you'll need to set your pod to Shuffle. This time you are going to load a few dozen RUMP SHAKIN' BOOTY ANTHEMS into your library. Personally, the best collection I've found is on a CD called Booty Jams.


If you wish to double up on the Booty, you might also enjoy Monster Booty, featuring Baby Got Back, Rump Shaker, and (one of my favorites): Wiggle It. The game is very simple: every time one of these special booty tracks comes up in the shuffle, you are required to SHAKE WHAT YO MAMA GAVE YOU! Doesn't matter where you are: at work, on the bus, enjoying a romantic meal at the Olive Garden -- you must jump up and shake that ass until the song is over or until you are asked to leave the Olive Garden (as I often am). If you don't know how to dance, you can pick up some Phat Moves from this classic video by Freak Nasty.

You don't need to pay $5 to enjoy games on your iPod. All you need is a little imagination and a total lack of dignity and self-control. Have fun!

Posted by Joey at September 13, 2006 11:55 AM

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