« In Defense of Video Game Violence | Main | Also in Theaters this Weekend... »

August 14, 2006

My SPAM Portfolio

For a while now, I've been planning to overhaul my personal investment strategy. Currently, most of my income gets invested in a diversified portfolio of beer and various snack-food products. This strategy hasn't yielded the sort of returns I was hoping for. I work hard for my money (let's pretend that's true for the sake of argument). Shouldn't my money work hard for me? You bet it should!

I figure the best way to get my money off its (metaphorically) fat, lazy ass is to invest it in the stock market. But that's SO COMPLICATED! There must be DOZENS of stocks out there, and I don't know much about any of them. I'm not that interested in learning, either. A while back, I heard good things about a company called Enron, but I can't even find them listed on the NYSE. Clearly, if I'm going to make this investing thing work for me, I'm going to need some expert advice.

Fortunately, I've got a secret weapon. Over the weekend, I started receiving email from an EXCLUSIVE Insider Stock Tips mailing list. I don't know how this happened! I certainly never subscribed to this service. Maybe they got my address from the V!agra vendors or the people selling RolAx W@tches -- I get a lot of email from them too. It really doesn't matter how I got connected to this network of financial insiders... now that I'm getting these primo stock tips, I'm going to ride this wave all the way to FISCAL DOMINANCE.


I've cashed in an old savings bond, sold my collection of vintage canadian bottle openers and borrowed some money from this guy down at the pool hall. Now that I've got some "investment capital", I'm ready to Get My Stocks On! Over the weekend I received a number of quality stock tips. One of them was from someone named Alvaro Thornton, who is very enthusiastic about a company called KMA Global Solutions. If you know me, you know I'm a big fan of solutions. Especially GLOBAL solutions. The stock sounds good already! As if I needed extra convincing, Mr. Thornton stated thusly: "KMAG has dropped a number of forward moving news releases over the last few months. This one is getting ready to go places. The price is low and primed to buy. Keep an eye on this one and get on it first thing Monday morning." That's all I needed to hear! I called my broker Jaco (he's also my bookie) and told him to put $1,000 into KMAG.PK. Getting in at $1.25, I now own 800 shares. Kick ass!

Next up is a stock that EVERYBODY is talking about: AGAO.OB. In the last 48 hours I've received countless emails from Rebecca Gomez, Frederic Soto, Arthur Moon, Mathilda Sharp and others -- all telling me to jump on this stock. Now... I don't know who any of these people are. I'm not even sure that these are "real people". But whoever they may or may not be, they all agree that AGA Resources is primed for a "second wave" of returns. I told Jaco to pick up $1,000 worth of this stock at 1.94, so now my portfolio includes 515 shares.

Finally, I got an email from Eliseo C. Palmer, who sent me an URGENT "Trading Alert" for CDPN.PK. That's the China Datacom Corporation. Eliseo promises this stock is "ready to explode", and that's good enough for me. Plus, the stock is really cheap! Trading at $0.27 per share, I got Jaco to get me 1851 shares for only $500. I feel like such a BIG SHOT now, I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day drinking scotch and watching CNBC!

I realize that some people do "research" and take the advice of a "licensed money manager", but I'm confident that unsolicited email stock tips are just as good. Maybe even better! I'll be tracking these stocks throughout the week. On Friday, I'll report back and let you know how RICH I am.

Posted by Joey at August 14, 2006 05:13 PM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:


Let me know how things turned out. i have been looking at these stocks also.



Posted by: Ronald chisholm at August 24, 2006 08:43 PM

Post a comment

Remember Me?