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August 31, 2006

My Personal Makeover: Pants

When you think of Joey Headset, I know what you're thinking: Suave, Debonair Man About Town. Dressed to Kill. The Fellas want to be him, the Ladies want to be with him. (Some of the Fellas also want to be with him, and Joey thinks that's cool, though he's not really to that sort of thing.) Yeah... most people think that Joey Headset lives a glamourous life on the bleeding edge of current fashion trends.

It's all a lie.

Let me be totally honest (for once). I've got NO STYLE. If you saw me in real life, you wouldn't think that the T-Shirt/Jeans wearing individual before you was the same person who brings you the HILARIOUS internet-web-humor you've come to expect from JH.com.

If this was Reality TV, I wouldn't need to DO anything about my style deficiency. All of my concerns would be resolved when a cluster of gay dudes ambushed me in my apartment. They would make fun of my haircut, make crude comments about my crotch... then they'd send me to an elite salon and buy me a brand new wardrobe. Sadly, this is NOT Reality TV. It's just Reality... and in Reality, no one's going to show up and magically make me look COOL. If I'm going to experience a Style Makeover, I'm going to have to do it myself.

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But where to begin? There's really no aspect of my personal appearance that couldn't use some work. For instance, my wardrobe hasn't been updated in... well, in FOREVER. I just can't get up for clothes shoping... if I could, I'd just walk around BUCK NAKED like they do on those National Geographic specials. However, the Government and their Stupid Laws would have me wear clothes every single time I leave the house. Total bullshit. And it's not just the Government. Many retail outlets enforce a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy. If you think that's bad, you should know that this policy is even more restrictive than it seems. As stated, you would think that a gentleman wearing nothing but a pair of Doc Martens and a "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt would be allowed to buy beer at 7-11. It turns out that in addition to shirt and shoes, those bastards also demand that you wear PANTS!

For me, this is a problem. Looking though my closet, it seems I only own two actual pairs of pants. If you count my hockey pads, that makes three, but I find that wearing hockey pads in public encourages strangers to kick me in the crotch. I probably deserve this crotch kicking, but I'd still prefer to avoid it.

Obviously, my first step in this Personal Makeover project is to buy some new pants. It's been awhile since the last time I went shopping for trousers though... I wonder if anything has changed. They still have two legs and zippers and sometimes pockets, right? Are there any new and innovative developments in pants technology that I should know about? I assume that nanotechnology is somehow involved now. Probably there are pants that are actually made up of millions of tiny robots. It sounds pretty cool, but I'm not sure I want robots so close to my junk. We've all seen Robocop and know what can happen when a robot gets pissed off.

Since I'm not willing to trust my genitals to robotic slacks, I should probably seek out more traditional ass-wear. I've read some men's fashion magazines and I have a vague idea what people are wearing this searson. I could easily go to the mall and buy some of those same pants. But by the time I got around to wearing them, they will have fallen out of fashion. Anyway, it seems like all the most fashionable trouser styles have a strong retro influence. Everything people wear today was inspired by the pants people were wearing back in the day. Really the only way to go is to find a style of pants that were once popular, but have not yet experienced a nostalgia-fueled resurgence. If I can predict the next retro pants trend, I can finally cover my naughty bits in STYLE.

One popular trouser variant that's poised to make a comeback is Parachute Pants. Popular in the early 90s, MC Hammer was famous for wearing these shiny and voluminous breeches.

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Good call, MC Hammer! I've always wanted to wear huge and luminous pants. Now I have an excuse! When MC Hammer makes his own triumphant comeback, Parachute Pants are certain to grace the asses of fashionistas 'rould the world. When this happens (any day now) I'll be ready.

Other likely targets for future retro-resurgance are Acid Washed Jeans, Bellbottoms and Pantaloons. After an all-night ebay session, I will soon be equipped with a closet full of ALL of these. If fashion trends go the way I've predicted, people will soon be staring admiringly at my ass. You know, rather than just calling me one.

Posted by Joey at August 31, 2006 03:03 AM

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