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August 16, 2006

Also in Theaters this Weekend...

At movie theaters across the US, this weekend is all about Snakes on a Plane. The film really has something for everyone: aviation buffs, reptile enthusiasts, people who like to hear Sam Jackson utter the phrase "motherfucking snakes". And I'm sure none of them will be disappointed -- unless they can't get a ticket. Showings of SoaP are likely to sell out quick this weekend, and many moviegoers may find themselves snakeless come Friday and Saturday night. If you find yourself in this unenviable position, DON'T PANIC. Here are some other films opening this weekend you might want to check out instead.

The Illusionist: "A magician in turn-of-the-century Vienna falls in love with a woman well above his social standing. When she becomes engaged to a prince, the magician uses his powers to win her back and undermine the stability of the royal house of Vienna." Since The Illusionist is set before the invention of aircraft, one can be reasonably certain that there are no motherfucking planes in the film. However, an old-school magician might use snakes as part of his act. Should these motherfucking snakes escape during a romantic carriage ride, who knows what might happen?

Trust the Man: "After all the drama, cheating, and trial separations, two men fight to save their respective relationships." On the surface, this seems to be a boring relationship drama: failing marriages, infidelity, David (ugh) Duchovny. However, keep this in mind: venomous snakes are known to seek out emotional trauma. They can sense angst with that little tongue flicking thing they do. Therefore, it is more than possible that a gut-wrenching break-up scene in the film could be interrupted by a surprise motherfucking snake assault. And, if this break-up happens to occur on a motherfucking plane, Trust the Man could be the sleeper hit of the summer!

Material Girls: "Hilary and Haylie Duff play spoiled rich girls who lose their money and then get caught up in some wacky hijinks. Hilarity (allegedly) ensues." Spoiled rich girls may spend a lot of time on luxury jets, but I suspect that most motherfucking snakes have better sense than to sink their fangs into these skank ass bitches.


Posted by Joey at August 16, 2006 08:21 PM

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