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August 31, 2006

My Personal Makeover: Pants

When you think of Joey Headset, I know what you're thinking: Suave, Debonair Man About Town. Dressed to Kill. The Fellas want to be him, the Ladies want to be with him. (Some of the Fellas also want to be with him, and Joey thinks that's cool, though he's not really to that sort of thing.) Yeah... most people think that Joey Headset lives a glamourous life on the bleeding edge of current fashion trends.

It's all a lie.

Let me be totally honest (for once). I've got NO STYLE. If you saw me in real life, you wouldn't think that the T-Shirt/Jeans wearing individual before you was the same person who brings you the HILARIOUS internet-web-humor you've come to expect from JH.com.

If this was Reality TV, I wouldn't need to DO anything about my style deficiency. All of my concerns would be resolved when a cluster of gay dudes ambushed me in my apartment. They would make fun of my haircut, make crude comments about my crotch... then they'd send me to an elite salon and buy me a brand new wardrobe. Sadly, this is NOT Reality TV. It's just Reality... and in Reality, no one's going to show up and magically make me look COOL. If I'm going to experience a Style Makeover, I'm going to have to do it myself.


But where to begin? There's really no aspect of my personal appearance that couldn't use some work. For instance, my wardrobe hasn't been updated in... well, in FOREVER. I just can't get up for clothes shoping... if I could, I'd just walk around BUCK NAKED like they do on those National Geographic specials. However, the Government and their Stupid Laws would have me wear clothes every single time I leave the house. Total bullshit. And it's not just the Government. Many retail outlets enforce a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy. If you think that's bad, you should know that this policy is even more restrictive than it seems. As stated, you would think that a gentleman wearing nothing but a pair of Doc Martens and a "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt would be allowed to buy beer at 7-11. It turns out that in addition to shirt and shoes, those bastards also demand that you wear PANTS!

For me, this is a problem. Looking though my closet, it seems I only own two actual pairs of pants. If you count my hockey pads, that makes three, but I find that wearing hockey pads in public encourages strangers to kick me in the crotch. I probably deserve this crotch kicking, but I'd still prefer to avoid it.

Obviously, my first step in this Personal Makeover project is to buy some new pants. It's been awhile since the last time I went shopping for trousers though... I wonder if anything has changed. They still have two legs and zippers and sometimes pockets, right? Are there any new and innovative developments in pants technology that I should know about? I assume that nanotechnology is somehow involved now. Probably there are pants that are actually made up of millions of tiny robots. It sounds pretty cool, but I'm not sure I want robots so close to my junk. We've all seen Robocop and know what can happen when a robot gets pissed off.

Since I'm not willing to trust my genitals to robotic slacks, I should probably seek out more traditional ass-wear. I've read some men's fashion magazines and I have a vague idea what people are wearing this searson. I could easily go to the mall and buy some of those same pants. But by the time I got around to wearing them, they will have fallen out of fashion. Anyway, it seems like all the most fashionable trouser styles have a strong retro influence. Everything people wear today was inspired by the pants people were wearing back in the day. Really the only way to go is to find a style of pants that were once popular, but have not yet experienced a nostalgia-fueled resurgence. If I can predict the next retro pants trend, I can finally cover my naughty bits in STYLE.

One popular trouser variant that's poised to make a comeback is Parachute Pants. Popular in the early 90s, MC Hammer was famous for wearing these shiny and voluminous breeches.


Good call, MC Hammer! I've always wanted to wear huge and luminous pants. Now I have an excuse! When MC Hammer makes his own triumphant comeback, Parachute Pants are certain to grace the asses of fashionistas 'rould the world. When this happens (any day now) I'll be ready.

Other likely targets for future retro-resurgance are Acid Washed Jeans, Bellbottoms and Pantaloons. After an all-night ebay session, I will soon be equipped with a closet full of ALL of these. If fashion trends go the way I've predicted, people will soon be staring admiringly at my ass. You know, rather than just calling me one.

Posted by Joey at 03:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 29, 2006

Who Killed JonBenet?


Posted by Joey at 03:02 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 27, 2006

Liveblogging the EMMYS

Since my Oscars liveblog seemed pretty popular, I'm going to do it again. This time, it's the Emmys! The Emmys are like the Academy Awards, except without the glamour, the stars, or really anything else that anyone cares about. WHOOOO.

8:07 -- Hey, time to get down on some hardcore liveblogging for the Emmys! I turned it on 7 minutes late, so I missed most of the Comedy intro but is seemed pretty funny. Conan's monologue is quality, as usual. And a nice song and dance number!

8:15 -- Now that Conan is done with his intro, I'm wondering why I'm sitting here watching the Emmys. And the Emmy for something or other goes to the woman from Will and Grace! The one who talked in a high pitched voice. Already forgotten her name.

8:19 -- Fucking hell... according to the schedule this thing goes on for THREE HOURS!!! It's an awards show for TV, wouldn't it make more sense if they could knock the whole thing out in 30 miuntes. That is the length of most TV shows.

8:28 -- Someone I've never heard of just won an award for a show that I've never seen. Also, they started playing music over her after about 8 seconds of acceptance speech. I feel sorry for whoever the hell that was.

8:40 -- W-T-F? I am a card carrying TV Junkie with a 5 million channel DirecTV system... and I haven't heard of ANY of the actors or TV shows that are up for awards.

8:45 -- OK, I've made it though 45 minutes of this. That's really more than anyone could have expected. I think I'm going to watch reruns of NFL Preseason games on the NFL Network.

Posted by Joey at 08:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 24, 2006

Get Your Kilo On: A Joey Headset Guide to the Metric System

What do Liberia, Myanmar and the United States have in common? If you guessed "rampant infant mortality" or "governance via a brutal military junta", you very nearly guessed right! Actually, the one thing all three have in common is this: They are the only nations in the world that have NOT officially adopted the metric system.

Of course, if you live in Liberia or Myanmar, you don't have the internet. Or computers. So, you're probably not reading this right now. However, if you live in the USA, you might be reading this... and wondering just what the hell this "metric system" is all about. As usual, I have all the answers you need. Get out pad and paper, I'm taking you to Metric School.

Before the invention of the metric system, there were no standard systems of measurement. Everyone measured things differently, using idiosyncratic units of measurement that nobody else comprehended. This made it rather difficult for young men to brag about the size of their genitalia.


Invented in France in the late 1700s, the metric system created a standardized system of wang comparison. It also facilitated commerce and science and other crap I don't care about. The metric system quickly spread across Europe, just like the bubonic plague... or Hitler. And, like Hitler, the metric system wasn't content to enforce its will upon only one continent. In South America, Asia, Africa, one nation after another succumbed to Metric Fever.

It really is amazing how quickly the metric system caught on, considering how COMPLICATED it is. Think about the elegant simplicity of our American system of length measurement: There are 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, and 1,760 yards in a mile. 12/3/1,760. What could be simpler than that? Compare this to the erratic complexity of the metric units of length: There are 10 millimeters in a centimeter. However, there are only 10 centimeters in a decimeter. And, though it's natural to assume that there are 41 decimeters within a meter, there are actually only 10. 10/10/10. How the hell is anyone supposed to remember that?

Despite its staggering complexity, the metric system does have its advantages. For instance, 1 ounce of whiskey is equal in quantity to almost 30 milliliters of that same whiskey. However: 30 milliliters of whiskey gets you 30 times more drunk than 1 ounce of whiskey. Not only is this AWESOME, but it also explains why Ireland was so quick to embrace the metric system. Here's another example: NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal is 7 feet, 1 inches tall. He's a big guy... but not as big as Yao Ming, who stretches out to 7 feet, 6 inches. You might not think that 5 inches makes such a difference, but remember that Yao is Chinese -- and in China, they use the metric system. Once you convert his height to centimeters, it turns out Yao Ming is actually FOUR TIMES taller than Shaq. Plus, he has a much better free throw percentage.


For many years, Metric Activists have campaigned to get the United States to fully adopt the metric system. I admire their commitment to the cause, but we all know its never ever EVER going to happen. The United States of America isn't about to start accommodating other nations. Not now. Converting to the same system used by every civilized nation on earth, after all this time, would be nothing but a sign of weakness. When America flies its jets over other countries, dropping 500lb bombs on their cities, the world knows the USA MEANS BUSINESS. If we Americans started blowing people up with 226.79 kilogram bombs, no one would take us seriously. Sure, civilians would still be maimed, and buildings would still be leveled, but it just wouldn't be the same. It would be like the terrorists had already won. So let the rest of the world play around with their deci-this and milli-that. This is America, and we won't ever change our system of measurement because WE'RE #1!

Though, metrically speaking, we are #0.349.

Posted by Joey at 04:08 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 22, 2006

Random Thoughts

Sometimes my mind fills up with random and useless thoughts. Rather than ignoring these thoughts, like normal people do, I post my random thoughts on the internet. You know, for your enjoyment (or whatever).

On a TV talk show, when a guest begins an anecdote by saying "You know, it's funny...", rest assured: it's not.

I wonder what Kato Kaelin is doing RIGHT NOW.

Memo to Taking Back Sunday: If we just give you Sunday back, will you STOP MAKING MUSIC?

Whether she's skinny or fat, I still don't like Kirstie Alley.

Ditto for Renee Zellweger.

I miss guitar solos.

I think the most humiliating job in America belongs to Gary Anthony Williams: the only black cast member of Blue Collar TV.


America's Got Talent? Evidently not.

NFL Europe would be better if they had European soccer presenters calling the game. "The kick is up... and it's a FIELD GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLL!"

I don't care what anyone says, Kevin Federline is a talented rapper.

If you like Erykah Badu (but think she's too beautiful and talented) you'll LOVE India Arie!

Ellen DeGeneres is to dancing what Stephen Hawking is to singing.

Lindsay Lohan is to singing what Lindsay Lohan is to acting.

No, I don't Think I Can Dance. I don't think you lot can dance either.

Attn. Matt Stone and Trey Parker: I actually don't need you to tell me what cartoons are or aren't funny. For instance, no one needed to tell me that South Park hasn't been funny since the first season.

The internet has rendered softcore pornography obsolete.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Billy Ocean is the thinking man's Lionel Richie.

Posted by Joey at 01:04 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 18, 2006

My SPAM Portfolio: UPDATE

On Monday, I invested $2,500 in the stock market. The three stocks I purchased were recommended by a group of financial insiders who emailed me with (unsolicited) stock tips over the weekend. Now that trading has suspended for the week, let's see how my portfolio is doing!

For $500 dollars, I picked up 1851 shares of CDPN.PK, the China Datacom Corporation. Apparently, the 9 year olds working in Beijing's infamous "data sweatshops" worked EXTRA hard this week: the stock increased by 48%, from .27 to .40 per share. My $500 dollar investment is now worth $740. So far, so good!

Based on some hot tips from total strangers, I put $1000 into AGAO.OB, AGA Resources. I don't know what an AGA Resource is, but I know their stock price has increased. I got in at $1.94 and sold my shares at $2.00. Only a small profit of $30, but still a positive result.

Finally, there's KMA Global Solutions. I was pretty high on this stock, based not only on some emphatic email tips but also on my love of solutions and things that are global. However, the stock did not perform as well as I had hoped. Not even close. In fact, I think I may have been duped, tricked, deceived... pretty much fucked over in every conceivable way. Here, take a look at stock's performance over the last 5 days:


I bought 800 shares of KMAG.PK at $1.25 per share. When I sold it, it was only worth $0.65. I lost $480, nearly half my investment. I might have gotten more value out of this stock by holding on to it and using the stock certificates as toilet paper. From now on, I'm investing my money in PROBLEMS, not solutions.

Overall, my $2,500 investment depreciated to $2,290. Maybe I shouldn't get my stock tips from emails with subject lines like "BACON CONCEIVED" and "POTENCY ACCIDENT". On the other hand, I just got an email from this Nigerian PRINCE who needs an American citizen to help him transfer $10,000,000 out of Africa. If I give him my savings account numbers (HRF552838-T488) and Social Security Number (248-55-4891) he's going to let me keep 5%. Hot damn, that must be at least $5,000! Someone's springing for dessert at the Olive Garden tonight!

Posted by Joey at 07:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 16, 2006

Also in Theaters this Weekend...

At movie theaters across the US, this weekend is all about Snakes on a Plane. The film really has something for everyone: aviation buffs, reptile enthusiasts, people who like to hear Sam Jackson utter the phrase "motherfucking snakes". And I'm sure none of them will be disappointed -- unless they can't get a ticket. Showings of SoaP are likely to sell out quick this weekend, and many moviegoers may find themselves snakeless come Friday and Saturday night. If you find yourself in this unenviable position, DON'T PANIC. Here are some other films opening this weekend you might want to check out instead.

The Illusionist: "A magician in turn-of-the-century Vienna falls in love with a woman well above his social standing. When she becomes engaged to a prince, the magician uses his powers to win her back and undermine the stability of the royal house of Vienna." Since The Illusionist is set before the invention of aircraft, one can be reasonably certain that there are no motherfucking planes in the film. However, an old-school magician might use snakes as part of his act. Should these motherfucking snakes escape during a romantic carriage ride, who knows what might happen?

Trust the Man: "After all the drama, cheating, and trial separations, two men fight to save their respective relationships." On the surface, this seems to be a boring relationship drama: failing marriages, infidelity, David (ugh) Duchovny. However, keep this in mind: venomous snakes are known to seek out emotional trauma. They can sense angst with that little tongue flicking thing they do. Therefore, it is more than possible that a gut-wrenching break-up scene in the film could be interrupted by a surprise motherfucking snake assault. And, if this break-up happens to occur on a motherfucking plane, Trust the Man could be the sleeper hit of the summer!

Material Girls: "Hilary and Haylie Duff play spoiled rich girls who lose their money and then get caught up in some wacky hijinks. Hilarity (allegedly) ensues." Spoiled rich girls may spend a lot of time on luxury jets, but I suspect that most motherfucking snakes have better sense than to sink their fangs into these skank ass bitches.


Posted by Joey at 08:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 14, 2006

My SPAM Portfolio

For a while now, I've been planning to overhaul my personal investment strategy. Currently, most of my income gets invested in a diversified portfolio of beer and various snack-food products. This strategy hasn't yielded the sort of returns I was hoping for. I work hard for my money (let's pretend that's true for the sake of argument). Shouldn't my money work hard for me? You bet it should!

I figure the best way to get my money off its (metaphorically) fat, lazy ass is to invest it in the stock market. But that's SO COMPLICATED! There must be DOZENS of stocks out there, and I don't know much about any of them. I'm not that interested in learning, either. A while back, I heard good things about a company called Enron, but I can't even find them listed on the NYSE. Clearly, if I'm going to make this investing thing work for me, I'm going to need some expert advice.

Fortunately, I've got a secret weapon. Over the weekend, I started receiving email from an EXCLUSIVE Insider Stock Tips mailing list. I don't know how this happened! I certainly never subscribed to this service. Maybe they got my address from the V!agra vendors or the people selling RolAx W@tches -- I get a lot of email from them too. It really doesn't matter how I got connected to this network of financial insiders... now that I'm getting these primo stock tips, I'm going to ride this wave all the way to FISCAL DOMINANCE.


I've cashed in an old savings bond, sold my collection of vintage canadian bottle openers and borrowed some money from this guy down at the pool hall. Now that I've got some "investment capital", I'm ready to Get My Stocks On! Over the weekend I received a number of quality stock tips. One of them was from someone named Alvaro Thornton, who is very enthusiastic about a company called KMA Global Solutions. If you know me, you know I'm a big fan of solutions. Especially GLOBAL solutions. The stock sounds good already! As if I needed extra convincing, Mr. Thornton stated thusly: "KMAG has dropped a number of forward moving news releases over the last few months. This one is getting ready to go places. The price is low and primed to buy. Keep an eye on this one and get on it first thing Monday morning." That's all I needed to hear! I called my broker Jaco (he's also my bookie) and told him to put $1,000 into KMAG.PK. Getting in at $1.25, I now own 800 shares. Kick ass!

Next up is a stock that EVERYBODY is talking about: AGAO.OB. In the last 48 hours I've received countless emails from Rebecca Gomez, Frederic Soto, Arthur Moon, Mathilda Sharp and others -- all telling me to jump on this stock. Now... I don't know who any of these people are. I'm not even sure that these are "real people". But whoever they may or may not be, they all agree that AGA Resources is primed for a "second wave" of returns. I told Jaco to pick up $1,000 worth of this stock at 1.94, so now my portfolio includes 515 shares.

Finally, I got an email from Eliseo C. Palmer, who sent me an URGENT "Trading Alert" for CDPN.PK. That's the China Datacom Corporation. Eliseo promises this stock is "ready to explode", and that's good enough for me. Plus, the stock is really cheap! Trading at $0.27 per share, I got Jaco to get me 1851 shares for only $500. I feel like such a BIG SHOT now, I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day drinking scotch and watching CNBC!

I realize that some people do "research" and take the advice of a "licensed money manager", but I'm confident that unsolicited email stock tips are just as good. Maybe even better! I'll be tracking these stocks throughout the week. On Friday, I'll report back and let you know how RICH I am.

UPDATE: Follow THIS LINK to see how my portfolio fared!

Posted by Joey at 05:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 13, 2006

In Defense of Video Game Violence

Liberals and conservatives rarely agree -- about anything. And, as a general rule, when liberals and conservatives do agree about something, you can be pretty sure they're both TOTALLY WRONG. Think about it: conservatives suck, liberals suck... the only thing stopping them both from being wrong ALL the time is the fact that they usually adopt contradictory positions. When a rare consensus occurs between these two warring tribes, one can confidently reject whatever premise both sides have agreed upon.

For instance, both liberals and conservatives agree that violent video games are causing irreparable harm to America's youth. They believe that violent games create violent kids... even when those "kids" are 38 years old and still live in their parents' basement. Personally, I think violent video games are harmless. I've played them my entire life and I haven't killed anyone. Yet.

However, I may have to reconsider my position on this. A recent study at Iowa State University proves that violent video games desensitize players to real-world violence. On the surface, this seems like a bad thing. If kids get desensitized to violence, they may start committing acts of violence. This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't possible that one of these kids might do something violent to ME. That's not acceptable. So, I guess I should be against violent games. Yet... it just doesn't seem right to come out against something that has given me so much pleasure over the years.


After giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with games that desensitize people to real-world violence. Face it: the world is a violent and horrible place. Murder, rape, torture... you can't turn on the news without hearing about one of the three. If America's youth could fully experience the horror of the world they were unfortunate enough to be born into, they wouldn't be able to cope. They'd all collectively dump rat poison into their Frosted Flakes and be done with it. THANK GOD violent video games exist. If simulated violence allows children to deal with the very real violence that predominates their existence, who are we to take that away from them?

This brings me to another point: Why are we focusing on the desensitizing effect that real violence has on video games when the REAL tragedy is the effect that actual violence has on MY ENJOYMENT of violence simulations. I don't know about you, but I enjoy games that allow me to BLOW PEOPLE UP. Seeing a cascade of blood and disembodied limbs never fails to bring a smile to my face when I'm kicking back with my PS2. But then I turn on the news and I see real people in Lebanon or Israel who have been blown to bits... and I start to feel GUILTY about playing these games. I don't want to see the consequences of violence: weeping relatives of maimed children and mass graves and all that mess. Violence with consequences is like sex with consequences: still quite fun, but not as fun as it would be without the consequences.

If only the leaders of Israel and Lebanon realized how their petty little conflict affected my ability to enjoy Grand Theft Auto... surely they would end hostilities and put all their differences behind them. Please, won't SOMEBODY think of the gamers?

Posted by Joey at 07:20 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 10, 2006

Are You Ready for Some (preseason) Football?

Everyone loves football! It's an American tradition, just like mom, apple pie and unilateral military action. Really, the only thing better than NFL Football is NFL *PRESEASON* Football.


Hold on, John Madden, let me explain myself! There are a number of reasons why I prefer preseason games to those of the regular season. Regular season games are rife with stress and pressure. In those games it actually matters who "wins" and "loses". I've always been taught that it's not who wins or loses, but it's how you play the game. That's why I appreciate the preseason contests, where it clearly doesn't matter who wins (and how they play the game doesn't really matter much either).

Another reason why I love the preseason is because you get to see talented athletes you probably won't get to see come October. For instance, FOX is showing a preseason match this evening: the Indianapolis Colts visiting the Eddie Jones Dome to play the St. Louis Rams. Pretty exciting, right? We'll get to see superstar QB Peyton Manning face off against the devastating WR combination of Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt. For one series. Maybe two. No... probably just one.


*BUT*, after that first series, viewers will get to see some other players who are almost as good! Sure, Peyton Manning is pretty talented, but who needs Manning when backup Colt QB Jim Sorgi is widely considered one of the most adequate backups in the league? This is Sorgi's time to shine! Plus, viewers will be in for a thrill if 3rd string QB Shaun King steps onto the field. I was shocked to learn King was still playing professional football... imagine how the fans in the stadium will react!

Of course, many of the players you see during early preseason games won't even make it onto the roster. Many hard-working players get cut during the preseason, so this may be your only chance to see them play. Don't worry though: a lot of the guys who can't make it onto an NFL team still go on to great things. For instance, I heard Maurice Clarett has been doing some exciting stuff since getting cut from the Broncos' preseason squad last year.

So enjoy the preseason while it lasts. After September 7, all the games will be "important" and "meaningful". Where's the fun in that?

Posted by Joey at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 07, 2006


Longtime readers of Joey Headset may have recently noticed a decrease in posting-frequency on the site. I've noticed this too! Throughout the day, I fire up my web browser to see if I've posted any exciting new material... and I'm frequently disappointed!

However, today when I typed "www.joeyheadset.com" into my browser window, I was shocked to discover that my site now looked like this:


WTF? Had I, in the midst of some drunken stupor, replaced my humor site with a 4th rate search index? It does sound like the sort of thing I might do... but in this case, I'm off the hook. It turns out that I had mistyped my own URL. Rather than typing "joeyheadset.com" I typed "joeyheadset.cm". An embarrassing error, but NOT MY FAULT. The *o* key on my keyboard has been gummed up for weeks, probably due to some combination of dirt, barbecue sauce and Cherry Coke residue. OK, I guess that part sort of is my fault.

Anyway, this rogue .cm version of my site is an example of Typo Squatting. This is where shady individuals register a domain name that is one letter off from a popular site, hoping to catch some traffic when users mistype the address. The key phrase here is "popular site". It makes no sense to typo-squat a site that no one links, visits or cares about in any way. This leads me to wonder: what sort of pathetic, low-self-esteem squatter would bother doing this to my site? After doing a bit of research, I learned that all of the .cm domains are controlled by the African nation of Cameroon.


Had I done something to TOTALLY piss off someone in Cameroon, such that they would squat my domain simply out of spite? Again, it does sound like the sort of thing I might do... but again, I'm off the hook.

It seems that Cameroonian net-jackers are now squatting EVERY SINGLE .com domain in existence -- not just mine. Google.cm, yahoo.cm, filthyasianwhores.cm: they all lead to the same page (the same one pictured above).

So, it turns out that no one has singled out my site for squatting. It's a little disappointing, really. Perhaps if I start posting more, I too can gain the sort of following that would merit unethical efforts to steal my web-traffic. Until then, I would encourage those of you who already read this site to be VERY CAREFUL when you type my domain into your browser. If your typing skills lack precision, perhaps you should use a "bookmark" or avail yourself of my convenient "RSS Feed".

Unless, of course, you actually prefer the .cm version of Joey Headset. I've closely compared the two sites and even *I* can't decide which one I like best.

Posted by Joey at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 04, 2006

Ask Joey: Jealousy

It's time for another exciting edition of "Ask Joey", the internet's very first unsolicited advice column. If you have problems, I'm here to dispense some Tough Love (often excluding the Love part).

When I do "Ask Joey", I usually track down a question that was asked and answered in some other advice column -- then I post my own sarcastic and unnecessarily vicious response. It's what I do. However, the question this month comes from one "Refined Heroine", a woman who is having some jealousy issues. It's a common problem, but here's the twist: Miss Heroine actually sent this question directly to me! Honestly, I wasn't expecting this. Posting a typical (abusive) response just doesn't seem right in this situation. Therefore, I'm going to try something rather different: a sincere attempt to provide useful advice!

Here's the question:

Hi Joey,

Your blog always makes me wonder how much I need to learn to blur the boundary between being sarcastic and being funny.

Ok, here is my question. When i'm in a relationship, it's very easy for me to be jealous. I know it is not good but I just can't help it. I can't see the pics of his exgirls. He has printed a lot and I want to stick them together.

Can you give me some advice about how not to be jealous?

Refined Heroine

Interesting question! Here's my response:

Dear "Refined Heroine": First of all, thanks for visiting the site! Personally, I've never learned to blur the line between sarcasm and humor. In fact, I refuse to concede that such a boundary exists. This may explain why people often express a desire to "kick my ass".

Regarding your question: You are not alone! When you're in a relationship, it's very easy to succumb to jealousy. Especially when your boyfriend's ex-girls are all skank ass bitches, which I take it they are. If your man is too embarrassed to let you see photos of his previous girlfriends, one must assume that these girls are shameless ho-bags of the highest degree. For this reason, I don't see a problem with your jealousy here. From what you're telling me, you have every right to be jealous. Men do enjoy the company of skank bitches, and God knows that skank bitches enjoy the company of men. In your situation, I'd be jealous too.

Now, when you say "He has printed a lot and I wanted to stick them together", I can't say if this is a good idea or not because I'm not sure what you're talking about. Your boyfriend has printed images of his exes, and you intend to bind them all together using some kind of adhesive? This sounds OK to me... just be sure to use a well ventilated room. You really don't want to suck down too much of those adhesive fumes!


If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.

Posted by Joey at 01:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 01, 2006

Movie Review: Miami Vice

Here's the concept: take everything that was great about Miami Vice, a popular TV show from the 80's, and set it in present day Miami. It's a solid concept, with only one notable flaw. In order to illustrate this flaw, allow me to list all the good qualities of original series:

List of things that were awesome about Miami Vice, the TV Show:

Synth-tastic Theme Song

Looking over this list, a few things become clear. First of all: sex and violence are just as awesome today as they were circa 1984, when the show debuted. Especially violence -- though you wouldn't know it looking at the current roster of network crime dramas. Despite the endless protestations of "cultural critics", cop shows of the 80s were far more violent than current franchises such as CSI. In my opinion, this is a crying shame. Honestly, what would you prefer to see? A team of Science Cops who build a case against criminals by meticulously gathering and analyzing physical evidence... or two badass hombres who chase down criminals in fast cars and then SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE. I like to see bodily fluids on TV as much as the next guy, but I prefer seeing them fresh - streaming out of the bullet-ridden torso of a drug dealer. Watching those same fluids get scraped off the wall and into a sample jar hours after the fact just doesn't do it for me.

However, Hollywood doesn't need to license some dusty old cop show just to cram a movie full of lurid sex and brutal violence. Obviously. Anyway, it's much cheaper to license video games for this purpose. Just ask Uwe Boll.

So if sex and violence alone aren't enough to justify making a feature film from Miami Vice, what does that leave? There's Jan Hammer's classic theme song... but that's not actually featured in the movie.

A missed opportunity, if you ask me, but I respect their decision. Replacing a classic musical theme with random hip hop tracks that 2nd rate rappers didn't think were good enough to put on their own albums seems like a winning strategy. Seriously.

Without the theme song, there's only one thing left: Retro-80s-Flavor. Miami Vice, the TV show, was a super-concentrated dose of 80s culture. The clothes, the drugs, the hairstyles... the drugs -- all Totally 80s. In fact, Miami Vice is so 80's, watching reruns today makes me wonder if the program was even filmed on this planet. There's an alien quality to it... sort of an Alternate Reality thing going on. The show is practically Science Fiction. For instance, in one of my favorite episodes, Don Johnson goes undercover to infiltrate a gang of white supremacists. In doing so, he approaches the gang wearing a pink sportcoat -- and they welcome him with open and very racist arms! In what universe do white supremacists wear pastels? Not this one, that's for sure. Miami Vice was set in some sort of hyper-80s parallel universe... and that's why we love it.

Miami Vice, the motion picture, is set in present day Miami. As such, it's just another cop movie, just another old TV show turned into a mediocre film property. Though the film does include visual references to the original show, the effect is banal and disappointing. Therefore, I award it only three Joeys... and they're not even pastel.


Posted by Joey at 10:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack