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July 20, 2006

Sport Music

According to doctors and scientists, vigorous physical exercise is critical for good health.

I'm not so sure.

Doctors and scientists are great when I need "Male Enhancement" pills or when I'm experiencing a painful urethral discharge. But when it comes to health, most Americans prefer to listen to their gut. Their blubbery, distended gut. And, like most Americans, I don't trust anyone who claims to know better than me. ABOUT ANYTHING. Since my own areas of expertise are limited to mid-80s synthpop and how long to cook a microwave burrito (37 seconds), I find myself distrustful of any fitness expert who argues in favor of exercise.

What do I trust? I trust TV commercials. And, if Nike and Gatorade campaigns are any indication, commercials and doctors agree that exercise is good. Running, for instance, is beneficial because it provides an opportunity to wear Nike shoes, sportswear and accessories. Also, when you run really hard you get so thirsty that Gatorade might actually taste good. Awesome!

Really, the only downside to physical exercise is that it's extremely painful and boring. Fortunately, Apple's iTunes Music Store has teamed up with Nike to make exercise fun! Well, not "fun" in the sense that you are going to enjoy it. More like "fun" in the sense that there will be moments during exercise when you won't be thinking about how much you hate it. Introducing Sport Music, a collection of iTunes music mixes designed by Nike specifically for runners.

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Let's take a closer look at these motivational playlists:

The Treadmill Training mix is designed for people who enjoy moving their legs, but hate fresh air and the feeling of actually going somewhere. Shut-ins of this sort may enjoy remixed tracks by the Jackson 5 and classic 80s jams by Berlin and The Fixx. Nike also offers a mix called "Increase your Speed 1" -- ideal for runners who are often chased by other, faster runners. With knives. Songs by The Wallflowers and All American Rejects encourage athletes to push their pace, if for no other reason than to end the run sooner (thereby decreasing the amount of crap music they are obliged to suffer through). Finally, the Crystal Method contributes a 45 minute techno mix that's perfect for distance runners and for casual drug abusers who like to get fucked up during their lunch break.

Truly, Nike's Sport Music offers something for everyone. Well, everyone but ME. I prefer to create my own running mixes. You want to know my secret recipe for jogging motivation? On my mixes, i ONLY use songs by the band Journey.

mr_nkem_jrny.jpg

I warm up with "Open Arms", set my pace with "Separate Ways" and then hit the road HARD with a little "Don't Stop Believin'". Sometimes I cool down with "Oh Sherrie", even though that's not technically a Journey song (it's a Steve Perry solo joint). Of course, this all-Journey running mix only lasts about 15 minutes. Who can listen to more than 15 minutes of Journey at a time? Not me! Even so, 15 minutes of exercise every three months is more than enough to maintain good heath and a sexy, toned physique.

At least, that's what my gut tells me.

Posted by Joey at July 20, 2006 02:53 AM

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