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July 11, 2006

Next-Gen Reality TV

Sometimes I feel like life is pointless and there's no reason to keep on living. But then I remember that there's TELEVISION! Sweet, sweet television. If TV didn't exist, I can't think of one good reason why I wouldn't stick my head in the oven and be done with it all. Actually, I can think of one reason. My oven isn't gas, it's electric. I think you need the gas oven if you want to do an old school Sylvia Plath style suicide. I guess if I cranked up the heat real high on my electric oven and kept my head in there for a while it might work. But I'd have to leave the oven door open and then most of the heat would probably escape. It would take FOREVER to kill myself that way -- and I have better things to do with my time.

Fortunately, television does exist. Therefore, life is still worth living! Of course, the TV shows that are currently on the air... those are a steaming pile of bull-ass-crap. Those shows don't make me want to continue living. Mostly, they make me want to end the lives of the people responsible for producing them. Come on, who hasn't felt the urge to strangle the entire cast of Two and a Half Men?

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Yes, even the little fat kid. ESPECIALLY THE LITTLE FAT KID.

No, what keeps me from offing myself isn't current TV programming. Rather, it's the promise of TV shows to come! Every fall, viewers are showered with a bountiful crop of new television programs. Some of them are stupid, some of them are really stupid, but it's entirely possible that one or two of them will be pretty decent! In fact, my research indicates that precisely 1 out of every 91 new TV programs doesn't suck. With that in mind, what if I told you that there were 91 new Reality TV shows debuting next season? Let me guess: if I told you that, you'd accuse me of making up the whole 1/91 ratio just to facilitate a convenient segue.

GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!

So anyway, here are some highlights from in-development Reality TV. Special thanks goes out to the Brilliant But Cancelled blog whose text I will shamelessly copy/paste before interjecting my own commentary and analysis.

Bling! - Due Fall 2006 - This show follows women shopping for the most incredibly expensive jewelry around.

I would watch this, but only if every episode ended with the women getting their faces smashed in with bricks.

Gene Simmons Family Jewels - Due 8/7/06 - Similar to "The Osbournes" but with Gene Simmons and his family.

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!! Oh wait... Gene Simmons? I misread, I thought it was going to be Richard Simmons. Nevermind.

Show Me the Money - Due Fall 2006 - An Endemol game show where the prize money increases or decreases based on an uncontrollable mechanism.

The prize money is controlled by "an uncontrollable mechanism"? I am genuinely interested in seeing how this goes down. Maybe they'll put all of the prize money in a room with a dozen monkeys, and whatever they don't eat or crap on gets awarded to the contestants? At least the footage of screaming, shitting monkeys will be worth watching.

Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty - Due 8/13/06 - Shannen will intervene in toxic relationships and decide if a breakup is necessary.

Let me get this straight: Being a stupid bitch now makes you a relationships expert? Well, I guess that explains the success of Dr. Phil.

Iron Ring - Due Summer/Fall 2006 - Celebrities in martial arts fights.

Ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner!

Posted by Joey at July 11, 2006 04:09 AM

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