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July 06, 2006

I'm a Cycling Enthusiast!

With the Tour De France in full swing, I've decided to become one of literally DOZENS of Americans to follow live race coverage on the OLN network. That's right: I, Joey Headset, have become a Cycling Enthusiast!

Note how I use the word "enthusiast" instead of "fan". I'm not a fan of cycling because one can only be a fan of sports that deliver fun and excitement. Clearly, that's not cycling. However, many followers of competitive bike racing prefer the subtle pleasures of the Peloton to the more overt pleasures of home runs and touchdowns. Hey, millions of Europeans can't be wrong!

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SHUT UP HITLER!

Cycling does have its detractors. The "world of cycling" has been "rocked" by blood doping "allegations" in recent years. Some journalists say that doping has ruined the sport, but they are stupid and wrong. First these bastards say "you shouldn't inject steroids" because it's unnatural. Now the same people don't want you injecting yourself with oxygenated blood. How can blood be unnatural? IT'S ALREADY IN YOUR BODY. Vampires need to ingest other people's blood just to survive, but these ultra-anal rules officials would have vampires starve themselves just to compete in a three-week bike race. That hardly seems fair.

Plus, every legitimate sport embraces some form of drug abuse. Baseball has steroids, boxing has diuretics, and you've probably heard how those kids in the Special Olympics pop dozens of Flintstones vitamins before they take the field. From what I hear, those chalky little tablets keep you strong... AND GROWING. As they say "if you're not cheating, you're not trying." (By "they", of course, I mean cheaters.)

Look, I realize that most American sports fans will never understand the appeal of competitive bike racing. It's their loss! Cycling is the Sport of Kings. Specifically, it's the sport of recently dethroned Kings, living in exile. Or perhaps the sport of Kings of small, southeast Asian countries where no one really has access to cars. Or roads.

And that's good enough for me.

Posted by Joey at July 6, 2006 05:33 AM

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