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July 15, 2006

Bringing Sexy Back

Have you heard? Justin Timberlake is bringing Sexy Back!

He seems pretty determined, doesn't he? Of course, some of you may be wondering precisely why Justin decided to bring back the Sexy. Did Sexy go somewhere? Has Sexy been conspicuously absent? YOU BET IT HAS. In recent years, sexiness levels have experienced massive declines across the board. This ominous trend has been noted in many scientific journals, as well as in Al Gore's upcoming documentary, "An Inconvenient and Totally Unsexy Truth." If you don't believe me, check out this very colorful and scientifically accurate graph:


Everywhere I look, I find myself wondering: what happened to the Sexy? Music videos used to feature scantily clad bimbos shaking their anatomical correctness directly at the camera. Not anymore. Now, music videos are all about earnest young men staring meaningfully off camera while they sing about how sad they are. There's nothing sexy about MOPING. Unless you're in Dashboard Confessional or you're that guy from The Cure.

Also, consider TV. In the 90s we had Friends and Melrose Place, programs that featured attractive young people sleeping with each other and sometimes smacking each other in the face. That's sexy! Now we're in 2006 and the actors from those shows are still on TV. Marcia Cross is on Desperate Housewives and Matthew Perry will star in an upcoming NBC Drama. What's the difference? They're older now, not as attractive and not as sexy as they used to be. NOT NEARLY AS SEXY!

If left unchecked, this Sexy recession could have disastrous consequences. We're already seeing declining birth rates in Europe and Japan. Even in the US, people aren't creating enough new people. Well, WHITE people aren't... according to this pasty white person, who probably ought to know.

If white people can't get their SEXY on, the entire Fox News on-air staff might fall into a despair that could only end in mass suicide. Not that this would be a bad thing, per se -- but I'd feel sorry for the poor immigrant janitors who'd be forced to clean up the resulting mess.

Fortunately, it will never come to that. Justin Timberlake is on the case, bringing Sexy back for everyone. Even for puffy middle aged fascists! I have no doubt J-Timb will succeed in his effort to restore the Sexy, I just wonder how he intends to do it. Obviously, his first step was to release the song "SexyBack", currently 47th on Billboard's Pop 100. It's an appealing morsel of club funk, certain to keep the dancefloors twitching for the rest of the summer. But surely there's more to come -- I'm pretty sure one song isn't going to end a global sexy crisis! Perhaps Justin has a plan to fortify our drinking water with his own ultrasexy pheromones. Maybe he's invented holographic pants that make our asses look firmer and more desirable. Who knows, Timberlake might even have invented a new genre of pornography that will stimulate humanity for decades to come!

No matter how he decides to bring Sexy back, I'm rooting for Justin all the way! Just so long as I don't have to listen to his music.

Posted by Joey at July 15, 2006 12:07 AM

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I love the page. It was absolutely hilarious but yet oh so true. way to go man

Posted by: Rusty at August 20, 2006 12:13 PM

Thanks, Rusty! And remember: we must all do our part to restore the Sexy. Personally, I'm soaking all of my boxer shorts in a combination of rose water, Old Spice and Yagermeister. I'm betting the ladies won't be able to resist it!

Posted by: joey at August 20, 2006 12:33 PM

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