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June 09, 2006

World Cup FEVER

Are you ready to watch some balls getting kicked around in Germany?

No, I'm not talking about my German S/M porn collection (which is EXTENSIVE). Rather, I am referring to the World Cup, that big ass soccer tournament they do every four years. It's the biggest sporting event in the world!

By "the world," of course, I mean "everyone but America." In this country, we prefer more MANLY sports . We prefer sports where competitors inject themselves with horse steroids just to earn a spot on the roster. Even so, there are some soccer fans in America. They're called Mexicans, and until congress greenlights that 2000 mile fence (how could that possibly fail?), the World Cup will draw its share of domestic viewers. And I'll be one of them!

It's not so much that I'm a fan of soccer, it's more that I'm a fan of watching sports on television. Any sports. Bowling, bass fishing, beach volleyball -- I don't care what it is, I'll watch it. The way I see it, anything is better than reading.

If you've never experienced the modest thrills of international soccer, this is an excellent time to jump in. For the first time in the history of the tournament, every World Cup match will be broadcast live on American television. Since Germany is six hours ahead of the US, ESPN's live coverage will be occur during daytime hours. Starting times for most matches will be at 9am, noon, and 3pm. This might raise some interesting issues for soccer fans. I'm told that many people "work" between the hours of 9am-5pm. Is it acceptable to blow off work to watch the World Cup on TV?


Personally, I think it's acceptable to blow off work to watch a Smurfs marathon on the Cartoon Network, so you better believe I support anyone who stays home to watch a world class sporting event. Call in sick. Tell your boss you have some of that Bird Flu they keep talking about on the news. With any luck, a CDC crew will show up a few hours later to seal you inside your home. That means no distractions from all the soccer excitement!

Also, these early games present a dilemma for those who enjoy drinking while watching sports. 9am is a bit early for alcohol... but drinking while watching televised sports is an American tradition. Plus, soccer matches tend to be filled with a lot of dull moments, and nothing fills up empty time like alcohol. In order to keep the veneer of respectability, you should only drink "breakfast cocktails" before noon. These include Mimosas, Bloody Marys, and Tang mixed with tequila (AKA "Tanquila").

Sure, ditching work and getting drunk in the middle of a weekday might SEEM irresponsible. But it could be worse. You could actually get on a plane to Germany, then hang around soccer stadiums screaming racist epithets at black players and beating up anyone who looks vaguely Jewish. That is, after all, what soccer fans do in Europe.

Posted by Joey at June 9, 2006 04:31 AM

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