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June 22, 2006

Movie Review: Click

In Click, Adam Sandler plays [the same character he plays in every movie], a family man who learns to control time with a magic remote control. After seeing this movie, I wished that I had my very own magic remote control! Just think of all the cool things I could do with it...

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For instance, if I had a magical time-controlling remote, I could have brought it to the theater when I went to see Click. After the first five minutes, I'd have fast forwarded through the rest of it, thereby sparing myself 93 minutes of insipid boredom. Alternately, I could have rewound time back to when I decided to go see the movie. At that moment, I could have hit the pause button, kicked myself in the nuts and hoped that the pain would distract me enough to make me forget about the movie.

Of course, there are countless ways I could achieve the same result... if I had a time-controlling remote. I could zip further back in time, back to when screenwriters Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe started writing Click -- and try to convince them that "Some Guy Gets a Magic Remote" is not a comedic premise worthy of a feature film. Either that, or I could kill them in their sleep. Better yet, I could rewind even further back to when Koren and O'Keefe started writing Bruce Almighty, a movie with the EXACT SAME PLOT as Click, except Jim Carey is the one who gets wacky magical powers (sans remote). Then, I could smash their fingers with a brick, exponentially reducing their BAD SCREENPLAY typing ability.

But why stop there? I could go back to the 80s, when Adam Sandler was nothing more than a mediocre stand-up comedian, before he was "discovered" by Dennis Miller in Los Angeles. By hunting down Miller and strangling him with some piano wire, I could prevent Sandler from ever appearing on Saturday Night Live, thusly aborting his abomination of an acting career. Though, now that I think of it, if I tracked down Dennis Miller's father in the 1940s and cut off the man's testicles, I could prevent Dennis from ever being born. This would not only prevent Adam Sandler from starring in movies, but it would also benefit society by erasing the existence of that smarmy, arrogant fuckwit, Dennis Miller.

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Sadly, magical remote controls don't actually exist. Yet. But there is good news! You don't need lame plot devices to avoid another stupid Adam Sandler movie. All you need is a little good sense. If that doesn't work, I could always come over to your place and kick you in the crotch. Seriously, I'd be happy to do it.

Posted by Joey at June 22, 2006 12:05 AM

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