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June 27, 2006

Imported Insults

What do these three people have in common?


OK... what else do these three have in common? Well, they're all obnoxious, they're all British and they are all icons on Reality TV. Gordon Ramsay stars in FOX's Hell's Kitchen, where he screams and curses at would-be chefs. Because nothing improves the flavor of food like an endless torrent of verbal abuse. Simon Cowell, of course, is the Bad Cop to Paula Abdul's Good Cop (and Randy Jackson's Inane Cop) on American Idol. And, if you recall, Anne Robinson was the host of NBC's Weakest Link. When she wasn't uttering her infuriating catch-phrase, Robinson viciously insulted the contestants.

In fact, the real similarity between these three personalities is that their fame is derived entirely from their ability to insult regular people. Personally, I don't understand why Americans find these people so appealing. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why viewers like to see regular folk getting ridiculed and humiliated. That's just good television. But why must it always be some limey bastard or bastress doing the insulting? We have no shortage of perfectly capable disparagers in the US: Don Rickles, Howard Stern, Louis Black, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Why outsource all the best insult jobs when we've got so much insult talent right here on American soil?

Furthermore, the fact that these jobs are being given to foreigners really hurts someone who is very important to me. ME! I'm not good at many things. I'm not that smart, don't have math skills, can't fix things, don't relate to people all that well; I'm often told I don't smell particularly nice. Really, the only thing I'm good at is insulting people -- and there are not that many opportunities for me to do this on a professional basis. Therefore, when TV networks hire the Brits to fill what limited positions there are in this field -- it's an unforgivable slap in the face.

For this reason, I'm boycotting any show which features a foreigner insulting an American. If citizens of this wonderful country are to be humiliated on TV, our National Humiliation should be administered by one of our own.

Posted by Joey at June 27, 2006 03:24 AM

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