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June 20, 2006

Ask Joey

It's time for another exciting edition of Ask Joey, the internet's very first unsolicited advice column. You have questions, I have answers... does it really matter that you never specifically asked those questions of me? I sure don't think so!

This month, our question comes from "Rejected", an anonymous teenage girl. She sent this question to the fine folks at Campus Life, a Christian magazine for Christian youths:

Dear College Life: Every time I tell a guy I like him, I end up feeling rejected and alone. Not only do they always say they don't like me, but one guy even told me that I was ugly and no one would like me! I just can't seem to get over that. I really want a boyfriend, and I am becoming very self-conscious. I worry a lot about how I look and what people think of me. There's a guy I have a huge crush on, and my friends asked him if he thinks I'm pretty. He said no, and I started feeling bad all over again. In our True Love Waits class, we were asked to write down what's important to us in a guy, and he's everything I'm looking for. But I've been rejected again. Sometimes I wonder if God just doesn't want me to be with anyone and I'm just supposed to be single for the rest of my life. I feel like giving up.

The magazine attempted to answer this question, but delivered nothing more than useless platitudes and Biblical citations. As an act of public service (or "Mitzvah", as the Christians would say), I will provide a REAL answer to this heartfelt question:

Dear "Rejected": You sound like a smart girl! As a smart girl, you can probably determine whether or not you're ugly all by yourself. It's really not that hard to figure out. Go and get yourself any fashion magazine. Look at the photos of all those HOT models and compare those women to what you see in the mirror. If you're not seeing a strong resemblance, chances are you're one big steaming pile of ugly! The fact that boys don't want any part of THAT ASS confirms your suspicions. Remember, boys are incredibly shallow. If you weren't ugly, you'd be getting all the attention you could handle. Fuck it, girl, you've already had two boys tell you STRAIGHT UP that your face makes them want to puke. How much more evidence do you need?

All signs point to the fact that you are totally repulsive. However, this doesn't mean that no one will ever love you. Your real problem is the whole "I'm a Good Christian Girl" thing. That's SO played out. If you looked like Angelina Jolie, maybe you could get away with that shit... you could find a Good Christian Boy who is willing to "wait" for you. But you don't look like Angelina, and ain't no one waiting for you to give up the booty when that booty ain't shit to begin with.

If you really want a boyfriend, I've got two words of advice for you:

PUT OUT!!!

It doesn't matter how ugly you are; if you earn a reputation as a girl who gives it up on the cheap, the boys will come a-flocking. You won't just have "a boyfriend", you'll have boyfriends -- dozens of them, if you play your cards right! Sure, you may catch a few dirty looks when you stumble into True Love Waits class. But at least you'll know that you're getting some and they SO aren't. That makes you prettier than them... in God's eyes, and in everyone else's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.

Posted by Joey at June 20, 2006 01:12 AM

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