June 27, 2006
What do these three people have in common?
OK... what else do these three have in common? Well, they're all obnoxious, they're all British and they are all icons on Reality TV. Gordon Ramsay stars in FOX's Hell's Kitchen, where he screams and curses at would-be chefs. Because nothing improves the flavor of food like an endless torrent of verbal abuse. Simon Cowell, of course, is the Bad Cop to Paula Abdul's Good Cop (and Randy Jackson's Inane Cop) on American Idol. And, if you recall, Anne Robinson was the host of NBC's Weakest Link. When she wasn't uttering her infuriating catch-phrase, Robinson viciously insulted the contestants.
In fact, the real similarity between these three personalities is that their fame is derived entirely from their ability to insult regular people. Personally, I don't understand why Americans find these people so appealing. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why viewers like to see regular folk getting ridiculed and humiliated. That's just good television. But why must it always be some limey bastard or bastress doing the insulting? We have no shortage of perfectly capable disparagers in the US: Don Rickles, Howard Stern, Louis Black, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Why outsource all the best insult jobs when we've got so much insult talent right here on American soil?
Furthermore, the fact that these jobs are being given to foreigners really hurts someone who is very important to me. ME! I'm not good at many things. I'm not that smart, don't have math skills, can't fix things, don't relate to people all that well; I'm often told I don't smell particularly nice. Really, the only thing I'm good at is insulting people -- and there are not that many opportunities for me to do this on a professional basis. Therefore, when TV networks hire the Brits to fill what limited positions there are in this field -- it's an unforgivable slap in the face.
For this reason, I'm boycotting any show which features a foreigner insulting an American. If citizens of this wonderful country are to be humiliated on TV, our National Humiliation should be administered by one of our own.
June 26, 2006
In recent weeks, Major League Baseball experienced some high profile public relations SNAFUs. Offensive remarks, athletes in jail... the sport is grabbing headlines for all the wrong reasons. In order to prevent such incidents from occuring in the future, MLB has hired me -- Joey Headset -- to run Sensitivity Training Seminars for well known baseball personalities. I can't think of anyone better suited to this task.
June 23, 2006
Fun Facts: Sussudio
Everyone loves Phil Collins! An artist whose career spans four decades, Phil has tried his hand at many different musical styles. Adult Pop, Fusion Jazz, Progressive Rock... Phil Collins has done it all. But, if you're like me, there's only one track that truly satisfies when you're craving that quintessential Phil sound.
"SOOOH SOOOH SOOODIO!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Phil Collins is the white James Brown.
The "Sussudio" single was released in 1985 to both critical and popular acclaim. Yet, most listeners are still a bit confused about the meaning of the song's lyrics. In the chorus, Collins sings "just say the word, su-su-sudio." Sussudio sure is a fun word to say, but what the hell does it mean? Many critics assume that it is an exotic girl's name. After all, Phil does spend much of the song referring to "this girl that's been on my mind". Could it be that this special lady happens to be named Sussudio?
No. Don't be ridiculous. Have you ever met a girl called Sussudio? For that matter, have you ever met a boy named Sussudio? Of course not. Obviously, it's not a person's name.
In reality, Sussudio refers to a place, not a person. Specifically, the word Sussudio is a sly reference to Stoudios, a monastery founded in the year 462. Located in Constantinople, this monastery was the home of Saint Theodore the Studite... a monastic ruler who was famous for letting his monks sprinkle nutmeg onto their pease pudding.
Though he doesn't talk about it during interviews, Phil Collins is known to be a man who enjoys the mild flavor of pease pudding. And there's nothing Mr. Collins loves more than sprinkling a bit of nutmeg on all that creamy pea goodness. Phil likes it hot. Phil likes it cold. And, yes, Phil even likes it in the pot, nine days old.
As it turns out, the "girl" Collins pines for in Sussudio is really just an elaborate metaphor for a revolting vegetable dish that even 8th century monks had to be bribed into eating.
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
June 22, 2006
Movie Review: Click
In Click, Adam Sandler plays [the same character he plays in every movie], a family man who learns to control time with a magic remote control. After seeing this movie, I wished that I had my very own magic remote control! Just think of all the cool things I could do with it...
For instance, if I had a magical time-controlling remote, I could have brought it to the theater when I went to see Click. After the first five minutes, I'd have fast forwarded through the rest of it, thereby sparing myself 93 minutes of insipid boredom. Alternately, I could have rewound time back to when I decided to go see the movie. At that moment, I could have hit the pause button, kicked myself in the nuts and hoped that the pain would distract me enough to make me forget about the movie.
Of course, there are countless ways I could achieve the same result... if I had a time-controlling remote. I could zip further back in time, back to when screenwriters Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe started writing Click -- and try to convince them that "Some Guy Gets a Magic Remote" is not a comedic premise worthy of a feature film. Either that, or I could kill them in their sleep. Better yet, I could rewind even further back to when Koren and O'Keefe started writing Bruce Almighty, a movie with the EXACT SAME PLOT as Click, except Jim Carey is the one who gets wacky magical powers (sans remote). Then, I could smash their fingers with a brick, exponentially reducing their BAD SCREENPLAY typing ability.
But why stop there? I could go back to the 80s, when Adam Sandler was nothing more than a mediocre stand-up comedian, before he was "discovered" by Dennis Miller in Los Angeles. By hunting down Miller and strangling him with some piano wire, I could prevent Sandler from ever appearing on Saturday Night Live, thusly aborting his abomination of an acting career. Though, now that I think of it, if I tracked down Dennis Miller's father in the 1940s and cut off the man's testicles, I could prevent Dennis from ever being born. This would not only prevent Adam Sandler from starring in movies, but it would also benefit society by erasing the existence of that smarmy, arrogant fuckwit, Dennis Miller.
Sadly, magical remote controls don't actually exist. Yet. But there is good news! You don't need lame plot devices to avoid another stupid Adam Sandler movie. All you need is a little good sense. If that doesn't work, I could always come over to your place and kick you in the crotch. Seriously, I'd be happy to do it.
June 20, 2006
It's time for another exciting edition of Ask Joey, the internet's very first unsolicited advice column. You have questions, I have answers... does it really matter that you never specifically asked those questions of me? I sure don't think so!
This month, our question comes from "Rejected", an anonymous teenage girl. She sent this question to the fine folks at Campus Life, a Christian magazine for Christian youths:
Dear College Life: Every time I tell a guy I like him, I end up feeling rejected and alone. Not only do they always say they don't like me, but one guy even told me that I was ugly and no one would like me! I just can't seem to get over that. I really want a boyfriend, and I am becoming very self-conscious. I worry a lot about how I look and what people think of me. There's a guy I have a huge crush on, and my friends asked him if he thinks I'm pretty. He said no, and I started feeling bad all over again. In our True Love Waits class, we were asked to write down what's important to us in a guy, and he's everything I'm looking for. But I've been rejected again. Sometimes I wonder if God just doesn't want me to be with anyone and I'm just supposed to be single for the rest of my life. I feel like giving up.
The magazine attempted to answer this question, but delivered nothing more than useless platitudes and Biblical citations. As an act of public service (or "Mitzvah", as the Christians would say), I will provide a REAL answer to this heartfelt question:
Dear "Rejected": You sound like a smart girl! As a smart girl, you can probably determine whether or not you're ugly all by yourself. It's really not that hard to figure out. Go and get yourself any fashion magazine. Look at the photos of all those HOT models and compare those women to what you see in the mirror. If you're not seeing a strong resemblance, chances are you're one big steaming pile of ugly! The fact that boys don't want any part of THAT ASS confirms your suspicions. Remember, boys are incredibly shallow. If you weren't ugly, you'd be getting all the attention you could handle. Fuck it, girl, you've already had two boys tell you STRAIGHT UP that your face makes them want to puke. How much more evidence do you need?
All signs point to the fact that you are totally repulsive. However, this doesn't mean that no one will ever love you. Your real problem is the whole "I'm a Good Christian Girl" thing. That's SO played out. If you looked like Angelina Jolie, maybe you could get away with that shit... you could find a Good Christian Boy who is willing to "wait" for you. But you don't look like Angelina, and ain't no one waiting for you to give up the booty when that booty ain't shit to begin with.
If you really want a boyfriend, I've got two words of advice for you:
It doesn't matter how ugly you are; if you earn a reputation as a girl who gives it up on the cheap, the boys will come a-flocking. You won't just have "a boyfriend", you'll have boyfriends -- dozens of them, if you play your cards right! Sure, you may catch a few dirty looks when you stumble into True Love Waits class. But at least you'll know that you're getting some and they SO aren't. That makes you prettier than them... in God's eyes, and in everyone else's.
If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.
June 19, 2006
No More Nerdcore
What happens when you combine video games, white people and rap music?
Nothing good. Case in point:
This video, by the Canadian group 64K, is part of a disturbing trend. Some refer to this new musical genre as Nerdcore or Geeksta rap, but you need not invent new terminology when old terms like "weak" and "crap" still work just fine. White people rapping about video games and computers over thift store synthesizer rhythms may seem like good idea on paper, but... Actually, even on paper it seems like a bad idea. A VERY VERY BAD IDEA.
You know, there's a reason why rap lyrics have historically focused on topics such as selling drugs and shooting people: because these topics are AWESOME. If I sold drugs and shot people, I would talk about it ALL THE TIME. If, however, I spent most of my time watching Star Wars and playing ancient Nintendo games -- that's the sort of personal information I would opt to keep private. I wouldn't talk about it... AND I SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T RAP ABOUT IT.
Look, I understand why the "geek community" embraces these rappers. Nerdcore allows dorks and losers to briefly imagine that wallowing in pop culture minutia can turn you into a BADASS -- if you do it to an old skool casio beat. However, this is merely a fantasy, and a dangerous one at that. Despite the modern self-empowerment craze, the world functions best when everyone feels precisely as powerful as they are. For geeks, low self-esteem is a necessary self-defense mechanism. If they start feeling more powerful than they actually are, this newfound confidence will only serve to instigate brutal asskickings (on those rare occasions when geeks wander out of their basements). Killing someone for their gold chain makes you a badass, beating Super Mario Bros. in under 5 minutes earns you nothing more than calloused thumbs and a perversely impoverished social life. Like it or not, that's how the world is.
Therefore, I call upon everyone to avoid geek-rap. If you want to listen to rap, don't fuck around with mc chris or MC Frontalot. Go and buy yourself an NWA CD, instead. You'll be glad you did.
Head 2 Head: Screech vs Urkel
Since the dawn of time, human beings have argued.
Sometimes these arguments concern matters of critical importance: religion, morality, who gets the last slice of pizza. Yet, more often than not, the arguments that plague humanity concern matters of absolutely no importance. World War II, for instance, started because Germany and Poland couldn't agree on whether to call sweetened fizzy drinks "soda" or "pop". 62 million people died in that war, and it all could have been avoided if someone had simply told all involved parties to SHUT THE HELL UP BECAUSE IT'S CALLED SODA AND EVERYONE WHO CALLS IT POP IS A FREAKING MORON.
If only there were a Voice of Reason who could settle these arguments before they resulted in bloodshed; someone who was infinitely knowledgeable and commanded universal respect. I don't actually know anyone like that... so I guess I'll have to do it. Though I'm neither knowledgeable nor respected, I do have a lot of free time and my very own website.
With this in mind, I'm happy to introduce Head 2 Head, a new feature on Joey Headset. The purpose of this feature is to identify common arguments that threaten to destabilize our culture -- and to settle them ONCE AND FOR ALL.
Today, we decide this critical question: Who was the Ultimate 80s Sitcom Geek? Was it Screech, from Saved By the Bell... or Urkel from Family Matters?
When considering the respective merits of Urkel and Screech, comparing their talent seems like a good place to start.
The role of Steven Quincy Urkel was portrayed by Jaleel White, a young actor from Pasadena, California. Like the finest actors of his generation, White transformed his body to play this role. Though he was a gifted athlete, solidly built, White starved himself to play Urkel, maintaining a dangerously low weight for most of his adolescence. Also, the young actor shredded his vocal chords in order to achieve the high pitched vocal characterization that was so essential to the role. Urkel suffered for his art... and boy did it pay off. Check out this thrilling montage of Urkel in action -- the man really had a gift for physical comedy.
Dustin Diamond never had to suffer for his art. Really, it was more like the art was suffering for him. You see, Diamond naturally looked and sounded like a dork. That's not a "voice" he was doing -- the man really sounds like that. Though some might think of Diamond's portrayal of Screech as the ultimate example of Method Acting, most critics consider it an example of what might happen if you recorded the sound of a drowning ferret and then scoured Hollywood to find an actor who could emulate that sound in human speech.
After Saved By the Bell, Dustin Diamond tried his hand at stand up comedy. He's toured the country relentlessly, and you may have seen his comedic stylings on The Tonight Show and Late Night with David Letterman. That is, you may have seen Diamond on these programs IF you're in the habit of dropping acid before you turn on your television. Otherwise, you haven't seen him. ANYWHERE.
Since Family Matters, Jaleel White graduated from Film School and currently supports himself as an actor and writer. He appeared in the most recent season of FOX's 24 and maintains a very entertaining blog on NBA.com.
It is impossible to overstate the impact Urkel has had on contemporary culture -- though the precise nature of his influence is a matter of significant debate. Some critics consider Urkel to be the crowning achievement of the 20th century; a cultural nexus that embodied every relevant aspect of Old Postmodernism, while establishing a new paradigm that we have only just begun to explore. Others believe that Urkel is the quasi-mystical conjuration of his own zeitgeist, the inevitable result of centuries of literary and aesthetic thought.
The cultural impact of Screech is that boys with curly dark hair get the crap beaten out of them 67% more often than they did back in the pre-Screech era. And they all deserve it.
Was it ever really in doubt? Steve Urkel is the Ultimate 80s Sitcom Geek. Those of you who picked Screech are stupid and wrong. Those of you who picked Arvid from Head of the Class... you are also wrong, though your knowledge of bad 80s television is commendable.
June 14, 2006
Another Twist Ending
June 13, 2006
iTunes Goes Gay
Did you know that June is Gay Pride Month?
Honestly, I'm a bit surprised. Wouldn't May have been a better month to celebrate Gay Pride? Not only does May rhyme with gay, but the month is often referred to as "merry", which is a synonym of gay. It's not important, though. For me, every month is Gay Pride Month! Also, I consider every month to be Black History Month, Asian-Pacific American Heritage Month and Legume Appreciation Month. Lentils are just too delicious not to appreciate all year long!
However, I wouldn't have even known there was a Gay Awareness Month if it wasn't for the iTunes Music Store. When I fired up iTunes today, I noticed that the iTMS is featuring a Gay Pride playlist in celebration of the holiday. Rock on! Though I am not an actual gay, I have always considered myself an aficionado of gay music. I'm the only heterosexual I know who owns Erasure's Greatest Hits, plus a handful of Pet Shop Boys CDs.
Indeed! For this reason, I consider myself fully qualified to evaluate the quality of this Gay Pride playlist. To facilitate this review, I'm bringing back an old friend: Pink Joey in a Cowboy Hat.
You may remember this colorful character from my Brokeback Mountain review. Also, you may have seen him down at the gay rodeo, where he sells bootleg Cher DVDs in the parking lot.
Anyway, for any of you who are new to iTunes Essentials playlists, here's how they work. Each playlist consists of 75 songs, broken down into three 25 song groups: The Basics, Next Steps and Deep Cuts. In this case, The Basics are intended for newbie gays and for those who are just a little gay-curious. This is a playlist for listeners who have only just begun to dangle their toes in the Waters of Gayness. As such, it contains few surprises. The Weather Girls "It's Raining Men" is an obvious classic, as is The Village People's "Y.M.C.A." Rounding out the playlist are remixed tracks by Cher and Bette Midler, alongside the obligatory Brokeback Mountain Theme disco mix. This playlist is sufficiently gay, I suppose... but there are too many filler tracks. Madonna's "Hung Up" and Rihanna's current hit single "SOS" are danceable pop songs, but they do they really inspire feelings of Gay Proudness? Tracks by Kelly Clarkson and The Pussycat Dolls seem like afterthoughts, and the inclusion of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" is equally offensive to gay and straight listeners. Even so, The Basics section of this playlist is serviceable. I'll give it three Pink Joeys in a Cowboy Hat.
For listeners who have already embraced The Basics of Gay Pride listening, iTunes offers Next Steps. This is a playlist for those who are no longer content to merely dangle their toes in the Waters of Gayness -- they're ready to jump right in! The signature track of this playlist is "Dear Mr. President", a collaboration between P!nk and the Indigo Girls. When a butch R&B pop star gets together with two even butcher alterna-folkies, the result is positively Pride-tastic! Furthermore, as a heterosexual male, the mental image of a three-way make-out session between P!nk and the Indigo Girls may actually be enough to turn me gay. At least temporarily, like that one time at Boy Scout Camp. The rest of the Next Steps playlist is a diverse mix of classic disco ("I Feel Love", Donna Summer), europop (Erasure/Pet Shop Boys) and -- of course -- Madonna. I'll award this playlist five and a half Pink Joeys.
Finally, iTMS presents Deep Cuts. As a card carrying music geek AND keen supporter of Gay Pride, I expect this playlist to take it TO THE NEXT LEVEL (of gayness). Upon first glance, it looks solid. Liza (with a Z) Minnelli finally makes an appearance, as does Judy (with a D) Garland. The inclusion of Bette Midler, Queen, and RuPaul not only promotes Gay Pride, but also serves to confirm lazy stereotypes of modern homosexual music preferences. And I'm all about lazy stereotypes! However, I expect more from a playlist called Deep Cuts. Ultimately, this playlist cuts no deeper than your average adolescent goth chick. First of all, what's up with the lame mid-90s dancepop? Haddaway's "What is Love" and Amber's "Just Like That" are hardly cutting edge club rockers -- unless every gay bar in the world got sucked into a timewarp back to 1994. Also, the Janet Jackson and Mary J. Blige tracks aren't gay enough. Not nearly enough! Finally, including "All Things (Just Keep Getting Better)" -- the theme song from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy -- is sort of like putting The Cosby Show theme on a Black History Month compilation. LAME! I'm only giving it 2 Pink Joeys.
Overall, I'm disappointed with iTunes' Gay Pride playlists. Sure, they're gay... but they could be much gayer. Where's Morrissey? Where's Le Tigre? Where's the Army of Lovers?
Yikes... these guys might actually be TOO GAY for Gay Pride Month. Perhaps we should make July "Really Gay Pride Month", just so the Army doesn't feel left out?
June 11, 2006
And the TONY Award Goes To...
June 09, 2006
World Cup FEVER
Are you ready to watch some balls getting kicked around in Germany?
No, I'm not talking about my German S/M porn collection (which is EXTENSIVE). Rather, I am referring to the World Cup, that big ass soccer tournament they do every four years. It's the biggest sporting event in the world!
By "the world," of course, I mean "everyone but America." In this country, we prefer more MANLY sports . We prefer sports where competitors inject themselves with horse steroids just to earn a spot on the roster. Even so, there are some soccer fans in America. They're called Mexicans, and until congress greenlights that 2000 mile fence (how could that possibly fail?), the World Cup will draw its share of domestic viewers. And I'll be one of them!
It's not so much that I'm a fan of soccer, it's more that I'm a fan of watching sports on television. Any sports. Bowling, bass fishing, beach volleyball -- I don't care what it is, I'll watch it. The way I see it, anything is better than reading.
If you've never experienced the modest thrills of international soccer, this is an excellent time to jump in. For the first time in the history of the tournament, every World Cup match will be broadcast live on American television. Since Germany is six hours ahead of the US, ESPN's live coverage will be occur during daytime hours. Starting times for most matches will be at 9am, noon, and 3pm. This might raise some interesting issues for soccer fans. I'm told that many people "work" between the hours of 9am-5pm. Is it acceptable to blow off work to watch the World Cup on TV?
YES. YES IT IS.
Personally, I think it's acceptable to blow off work to watch a Smurfs marathon on the Cartoon Network, so you better believe I support anyone who stays home to watch a world class sporting event. Call in sick. Tell your boss you have some of that Bird Flu they keep talking about on the news. With any luck, a CDC crew will show up a few hours later to seal you inside your home. That means no distractions from all the soccer excitement!
Also, these early games present a dilemma for those who enjoy drinking while watching sports. 9am is a bit early for alcohol... but drinking while watching televised sports is an American tradition. Plus, soccer matches tend to be filled with a lot of dull moments, and nothing fills up empty time like alcohol. In order to keep the veneer of respectability, you should only drink "breakfast cocktails" before noon. These include Mimosas, Bloody Marys, and Tang mixed with tequila (AKA "Tanquila").
Sure, ditching work and getting drunk in the middle of a weekday might SEEM irresponsible. But it could be worse. You could actually get on a plane to Germany, then hang around soccer stadiums screaming racist epithets at black players and beating up anyone who looks vaguely Jewish. That is, after all, what soccer fans do in Europe.
June 05, 2006
48 Hours of Benson
Kick ass! TV Land, the network that specializes in reruns, is doing a 48 hour Benson marathon! You remember Benson, right?
SHUT UP OLSEN TWINS!
Perhaps the show was a little before your time. Actually, since this sitcom aired from 1979-1986, it was sort of before my time; but it was constantly in reruns when I was growing up. The show centered around Benson Dubois, a black guy who works with a bunch of whiteys in the Governor's mansion of some unspecified state. In this sense, the show was a lot like the West Wing: lots of political intrigue, brainy dialogue and a massive ensemble cast.
HAHAHAHAHAHA ... I'm just fucking with you. Benson is about as far removed from the West Wing as any show could be. Really, the entire show revolved around the main character making smart-ass remarks at everyone else in the cast: the dumbass Governor, the snobby lawyer, the annoying housekeeper, etc. From this description, you can probably imagine why the show appealed to a young Joey Headset.
Since I have nothing to do this weekend, I figured I would spend Saturday and Sunday watching the Benson marathon. All 48 Hours! From time to time, I'll check in on this site to let you know how much I'm enjoying it!
Update, Hour 1: WOO it's Benson! Haven't seen this show in years. This is going to be awesome. I got snacks, beer, invited a few friends over. Let the good times ROLL!
Update, Hour 2: Oh dear. This show isn't quite as funny as I remember. Too many heartwarming moments, not enough vicious sarcasm. All of my friends left after the first hour (specifically, after I ran out of snacks). Fucking bastards. Doesn't matter, not going to let them ruin my fun.
Update, Hour 5: : This show is fucking AWFUL! Can't imagine why I ever thought otherwise. The fact that I was like nine years old when I first saw it may have something to do with it. Nine year olds think everything is funny, even Saturday Night Live. I don't know how I'm going to make it through 48 continuous hours of this. I should probably just give up... but that would make me a quitter! I said I was going to watch the whole marathon, and that's what I intend to do. I'll just have to find a way to tough it out.
Update, Hour 10: : Hey, I think I've found a way to make this interesting. I just invented the Benson Drinking Game. Here's how it works: every time Benson makes one of his smart ass remarks, you yell "INSULT!" at the screen and take a drink.
Update, Hour 12: : soo drunkk! i didnt' tghink i wold half to drinnk somych so faaast! damm you Benson an yore wisecrackin ways!!
Update, Hour 20: : Ugh. I must have passed out for a few hours. That Benson Drinking Game probably wasn't such a good idea. This hangover is going to be pretty bad, but at least I have Benson to keep me company.
Update, Hour 24:: Ooh, They are showing the 2 part Benson Goes to Hong Kong special. Back in the 80s, they sure knew how to take a dump on other people's cultures. It's a beautiful thing. Also, I enjoy the way they keep mixing the peppy Benson theme song with a cool ASIAN theme that is as mysterious as it is trite. It's tritesterious!
Update, Hour 30:: Just like a real (non-Benson) marathon runner, I think I'm getting my second wind! Either that or the show is making me retarded. Anyway, inspired by my new energy, I just wrote a poem:
Benson Benson Benson,
you are the man
Make sarcastic comments
That's always part of your plan
The Gov'ner is a moron and Clayton is a dick
But if you say mean things to them
That will always do the trick
Update, Hour 35:: Maybe it's just the Benson talkin', but Ms. Kraus is starting to look pretty HOT.
Update, Hour 39:: Can't. Take. Any. More. Benson.
Update, Hour 47:: I'm gonna make it! I'm going to survive 48 straight hours of Benson! Finally I can turn off the TV, go get some fresh air. Hey -- hold on a minute. TV Land is doing a 62 hour Sanford and Son marathon starting at 6AM on Monday. I am so going to watch that!
June 03, 2006
Get Your Ink On: A Joey Headset Guide to Tattoos
Nothing looks cooler than a tattoo.
Not this tattoo, obviously. But, as a general rule, tattoos = AWESOME. And these days, everyone seems to be getting one. Though ink used to be just for rock stars, military men and skank ass bitches, more and more regular people are getting them. Regular, boring, ugly, stupid people like you and me. Well... mostly you. As a public service to my readers, I offer this guide to the exciting and diverse world of body art.
First, a bit of history: The art of tattooing, or tattoonometry, is an ancient one. The first tattoos were worn by tribal warriors of the Neolithic period. These brave combatants marked their bodies to commemorate victories on the field of battle. Tattoos were also popular amongst Neolithic hipsters who hoped to obtain the street-cred of warriors, without all that messy bloodshed. Inked-up hipsters of this sort usually worked in record stores. Neolithic record stores.
In these ancient times, tattoo technology was predictably crude. Tribal tattooists would apply pigment to the tip of a blade and then stab you over and over again until some kind of interesting image appeared on your skin. Frequently, this would not occur until well after you had bled to death. Fortunately for you, modern technology has greatly improved the tattooing process. Now the stabby-blade is electric and can perforate you 150 times a second! It still hurts like hell, but at least you may survive the procedure long enough to regret it.
If you intend to get some ink done on your own bad self, you will need to make a few critical decisions. First of all, you must choose a place to park your tattoo. Tattoos can be applied anywhere you have skin. Shoulders, wrists and ankles are the most popular spots, but I've found that that the ASS is the best tattoo location. More than any other part of the human anatomy, the ass serves as a spacious blank canvas for a skin artist. If Monopoly were a game about tattoo placement, Boardwalk would be your left ass cheek and Park Place would be your right (the cleft area in-between... we'll call that Community Chest). On a personal note, I have several tattoos in the ass region, and I love showing them off. Particularly when I'm at the Olive Garden. Hey, why spend the money on a tattoo if you're not going to let anyone see it? (Just don't use this argument with a judge when you're charged with indecent exposure -- I've found it to be less-than-effective.)
Of course, you will also need to determine what you want the tattoo to look like. Choosing a design is a deeply personal decision. You want to pick an image that is meaningful to you, something that lets the world know who you are. That's why I suggest that everyone gets this image tattooed somewhere on their body.
Come on... how sweet would that look on your left bicep?
If you're not hardcore enough to sport a Joey Headset tattoo, you could always get a heart or a rose or some weird asian character you can't even read. No matter what you decide upon, be sure to keep a copy of your chosen design in your wallet at all times. You never know when you might drunkenly stumble into a tattoo parlour at 3AM. In fact, my experience tells me that this is the ONLY circumstance in which anyone gets a tattoo. If you don't already possess a well-conceived tattoo design in this situation, you'll end up getting something "spontaneous". And in tattoos, spontaneous is never good. If you don't believe me, I'd be happy to show you the depiction of Papa Smurf urinating on a Volkswagen logo that adorns my left thigh. It ain't pretty.
Once you've chosen your tattoo design, you will need to find a skilled artist to execute it. Finding the right artist can be the most difficult part of the process. Here are a few guidelines:
When picking a tattoo studio, I've found that cheaper is always better. I don't trust any place that charges more for a tattoo than I would pay for an oil change at Jiffy Lube. Hell, I'd let the boys at Jiffy Lube do my ink if I could -- they do nice work over there. Besides, those expensive studios do most of their business with Angelina Jolie, who gets a new tattoo every other month (in the off-months, she adopts more refugee babies). Really cheap studios make a profit by doing a high volume of work. An artist who does 20 tats a day is going to be a hell of a lot sharper than one who only does a few. It's a fact!
It's also important that get your tattoo done at an establishment that is professional and classy. You shouldn't even consider getting inked at a place called John Smith's Tattoos or Main Street Tattoo Studio. No imagination! I've gotten all my tats at a place called Nawty Dawg'z Tatz n' More. It's not just a tattoo studio, it's also a pool hall. And a laundromat! I could wash my socks, play a few games of 9-ball and get some sweet ink done -- all at the some joint. So convenient! Sadly, Nawty Dawg'z shut down last month. Allegedly, there were cock fights going on in the back room. Stupid government and their anti-cockfighting laws.
Remember: getting a tattoo is a choice that lasts a lifetime. And, like all permanent choices, you WILL eventually regret it. However, if you do your homework and get it done right, you can at least postpone those inevitable feelings of remorse until middle age. By then, you'll probably regret so many other decions you've made, your embarrassing tattoos won't even rank in the top ten.