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May 31, 2006

PSA: Don't Get Datelined

NBC's ratings may be in the toilet, but the network has a secret weapon: putting child molesters on TV.

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For years, the newsmagazine show Dateline NBC has focused on stories about regular people. People like you and me -- except uglier and stupider than you and me. And, as it turns out, regular people love to solicit underage sex on the internet. Dateline's ongoing To Catch a Predator series is a surefire ratings winner. Producers send operatives into online chat rooms to pose as 13 year old boys/girls, serving as virtual jail-bait. Various well-intentioned men chat these fake teens up, and eventually agree to meet up with them at their homes. When they show up, however, boy are they in for a shock! Instead of getting down on some hot underage tail, they get a good talking to from none other than Chris Hansen. It's bad enough they get arrested for their trouble, but they have to sit there and listen to some NBC douchebag tell them how "child molestation is bad and stuff."

No one deserves to go out like that -- not even kiddie fiddlers. Let me be absolutely clear about this: Joey Headset does not IN ANY WAY endorse illicit underage sex. Even if the girl totally looks over eighteen and you were drunk and she's really mature for her age. But the Constitution of the United States has an amendment addressing the issue of "Cruel and Unusual Punishment", and if I remember my 10th grade civics correctly, the amendment is not in favor of it. Child predators deserve to be arrested, imprisoned, sodomized by cellmates and forced to use low quality prison toilet paper (so scratchy!). However, there is no crime so heinous that the perpetrator should be forced to sit through self-righteous moralizing from Chris Hansen -- a man with as much wit and personality as the MSNBC news ticker.

In the interest of justice, I offer these tips to help would-be child molesters avoid exposure on primetime newsmagazines.

Tip #1: Do your research.

So you've been chatting with someone online who claims to be a 13 year old girl or boy. How can you be sure that the person at the other end of the internet-pipe really is who they say they are? You've got to ask questions! And not just any questions. "What are you wearing?" and "Do you sometimes like to touch yourself?" are traditional child molester queries, but you need to go deeper. The best questions force the respondent to address issues of current teen culture -- something an impostor will know little about. For instance, "What are you wearing when you are watching One Tree Hill?" or "Do you sometimes like to touch yourself while you are listening to the new Hilary Duff album?". Obviously, the only way to determine if their replies are legit is to (stop masturbating long enough to) immerse yourself in teen media: listen to Disney Radio, watch the WB, etc. Of course, the more you experience of teen pop culture, the less likely you are to actually find teenagers attractive, sexually or otherwise. Either way, this technique will help you avoid Dateline's jailbait operatives.

Tip #2: Pick your spots.

According to the Dateline website, the program has already done sting operations in five locations: NYC metro area, Southern CA., DC suburbs, Greenville OH and Ft. Myers FL. Clearly, Dateline likes to hop around the country doing this thing, just like MTV and The Real World. Come to think of it, MTV and Dateline could do a fantastic crossover series: Seven strangers picked to live in a house to find out what happens when child molesters STOP being polite... and START molesting children! Anyway, the point is this: Dateline probably won't do another sting in a location where they've already done it. Therefore, it's much safer to prey upon internet kids in the areas listed above... plus, a lot of the local deviants in those locales have already been arrested. That means less competition for you!

Tip #3: Oops -- you got caught!

Let's say your desire for illegal carnal activity overwhelms your brain, and you disregard all of the tips listed above. You wander into a house ready to party... and there's Chris Hansen and a Dateline camera crew. You could try to run, but every time someone has done that, they get arrested as soon as they run out of the house. Since you will get arrested no matter what, your best move is to bum rush Chris Hansen and punch him in the crotch AS HARD AS YOU CAN. NBC's security and local police will take you down pretty quickly, but if you move fast you can surely get in a few good shots on Hansen before that happens. Even though you will go to jail, at least you know that footage of Chris Hansen getting punched in the nuts (BY YOU!) will circulate on Youtube for years after your arrest. Perhaps the joy that this footage will bring to millions of Americans will persuade the judge to give you a more lenient sentence after you're convicted of assault and child sex solicitation.

Maybe... but probably not.

Posted by Joey at May 31, 2006 04:39 AM

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