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May 17, 2006

Eat Like a Man

Being a man isn't easy -- and it's getting harder every day.

In the old days, all you needed in order to be a man was a drinking problem, a criminal record and a few dangly bits between your legs. So long as you worked hard (or at least bitched a lot about how hard you work) and treated your woman right (or at least didn't leave visible marks when you smacked her around) no one could call your manliness into question.

These days, the rules are different. Being a man is no longer just about farting a lot and beating people up. Now there are dietary restrictions! If you watch television -- and I suspect you do -- you've probably seen this commercial:

The upshot of this ad: if you are really a man, you will go to Burger King and scarf down a Texas Double Whopper as soon as physically possible. "I'll eat this meat until my innie turns into an outie". Indeed! The Whopper in question is a deluxe hamburger with two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, mayonnaise and a few strips of bacon. For those keeping keeping score, this burger will run you 1050 calories (620 from fat) and 210mg of cholesterol. On the plus side, one of these burgers will supply 15 percent of your daily Vitamin C requirement. So at least you won't suffer from scurvy while your ass expands like Starbuck's through the pacific northwest. SHUT UP THAT IS AN APT METAPHOR!!!

The commercial playfully co-opts various masculine cliches. Of particular interest is the line, "I'll admit i've been fed quiche" -- a reference to Bruce Feirstein's assertion that Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. I've never understood this. Quiche is a food that's made of eggs, cheese and (usually) some form of meat. What's so fucking unmanly about that? It's basically an omelet inside a pie crust. There's nothing effeminate about omelets, and you better not try to tell me that there's something "gay" about pie. Not to my face!

So go ahead, eat like a man. Shove meat and cheese down your throat with gleeful abandon. Just remember one thing: you can eat a man and you can look like a man... but you can't do both at once. Not unless you happen to be Butterbean.

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Posted by Joey at May 17, 2006 05:40 AM

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