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May 31, 2006

PSA: Don't Get Datelined

NBC's ratings may be in the toilet, but the network has a secret weapon: putting child molesters on TV.

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For years, the newsmagazine show Dateline NBC has focused on stories about regular people. People like you and me -- except uglier and stupider than you and me. And, as it turns out, regular people love to solicit underage sex on the internet. Dateline's ongoing To Catch a Predator series is a surefire ratings winner. Producers send operatives into online chat rooms to pose as 13 year old boys/girls, serving as virtual jail-bait. Various well-intentioned men chat these fake teens up, and eventually agree to meet up with them at their homes. When they show up, however, boy are they in for a shock! Instead of getting down on some hot underage tail, they get a good talking to from none other than Chris Hansen. It's bad enough they get arrested for their trouble, but they have to sit there and listen to some NBC douchebag tell them how "child molestation is bad and stuff."

No one deserves to go out like that -- not even kiddie fiddlers. Let me be absolutely clear about this: Joey Headset does not IN ANY WAY endorse illicit underage sex. Even if the girl totally looks over eighteen and you were drunk and she's really mature for her age. But the Constitution of the United States has an amendment addressing the issue of "Cruel and Unusual Punishment", and if I remember my 10th grade civics correctly, the amendment is not in favor of it. Child predators deserve to be arrested, imprisoned, sodomized by cellmates and forced to use low quality prison toilet paper (so scratchy!). However, there is no crime so heinous that the perpetrator should be forced to sit through self-righteous moralizing from Chris Hansen -- a man with as much wit and personality as the MSNBC news ticker.

In the interest of justice, I offer these tips to help would-be child molesters avoid exposure on primetime newsmagazines.

Tip #1: Do your research.

So you've been chatting with someone online who claims to be a 13 year old girl or boy. How can you be sure that the person at the other end of the internet-pipe really is who they say they are? You've got to ask questions! And not just any questions. "What are you wearing?" and "Do you sometimes like to touch yourself?" are traditional child molester queries, but you need to go deeper. The best questions force the respondent to address issues of current teen culture -- something an impostor will know little about. For instance, "What are you wearing when you are watching One Tree Hill?" or "Do you sometimes like to touch yourself while you are listening to the new Hilary Duff album?". Obviously, the only way to determine if their replies are legit is to (stop masturbating long enough to) immerse yourself in teen media: listen to Disney Radio, watch the WB, etc. Of course, the more you experience of teen pop culture, the less likely you are to actually find teenagers attractive, sexually or otherwise. Either way, this technique will help you avoid Dateline's jailbait operatives.

Tip #2: Pick your spots.

According to the Dateline website, the program has already done sting operations in five locations: NYC metro area, Southern CA., DC suburbs, Greenville OH and Ft. Myers FL. Clearly, Dateline likes to hop around the country doing this thing, just like MTV and The Real World. Come to think of it, MTV and Dateline could do a fantastic crossover series: Seven strangers picked to live in a house to find out what happens when child molesters STOP being polite... and START molesting children! Anyway, the point is this: Dateline probably won't do another sting in a location where they've already done it. Therefore, it's much safer to prey upon internet kids in the areas listed above... plus, a lot of the local deviants in those locales have already been arrested. That means less competition for you!

Tip #3: Oops -- you got caught!

Let's say your desire for illegal carnal activity overwhelms your brain, and you disregard all of the tips listed above. You wander into a house ready to party... and there's Chris Hansen and a Dateline camera crew. You could try to run, but every time someone has done that, they get arrested as soon as they run out of the house. Since you will get arrested no matter what, your best move is to bum rush Chris Hansen and punch him in the crotch AS HARD AS YOU CAN. NBC's security and local police will take you down pretty quickly, but if you move fast you can surely get in a few good shots on Hansen before that happens. Even though you will go to jail, at least you know that footage of Chris Hansen getting punched in the nuts (BY YOU!) will circulate on Youtube for years after your arrest. Perhaps the joy that this footage will bring to millions of Americans will persuade the judge to give you a more lenient sentence after you're convicted of assault and child sex solicitation.

Maybe... but probably not.

Posted by Joey at 04:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 29, 2006

Questionable Plot Summaries from DirecTV

As many of you already know, I am a DirecTV subscriber. One of the advantages of DirecTV is that it offers so much televisual entertainment, I can almost forget that I don't have any friends and hardly ever leave the house. Almost...

Another advantage of DirecTV is this:

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That's the info button on the DirecTV remote -- and it's pretty useful! When you push the button during a movie, DirecTV tells you the name of the film, plus some details about the cast and plot. For instance, earlier this evening, the USA Network was showing the movie Deliverance. Just out of curiosity, I hit the info button. This is an exact quote of the data that appeared on my screen:

"Deliverance. Movie, Action/Adventure: (1972) Jon Voight, Burt Reynolds, Ned Beatty. Nature and mountain men humble four Atlanta businessmen on a canoe trip in the Appalachian wilds. AC, AL, CC."

Uh... HUMBLE?!?

I'm pretty sure I've never heard the word humble used to describe the particular fate of those Atlanta businessmen. In my own life, I've experienced many humbling situations... yet none of those situations required me to "squeal like a pig." A few times I was forced to bark like a dog, but that was something totally different.

The point is this: If DirecTV thinks Deliverance is an action/adventure movie about a few businessmen who get "humbled", I wonder how they would describe films with similar themes. Perhaps it would look something like this...

The Crying Game. Dramady: (1992) Forrest Whitaker, Jaye Davidson. A prideful British soldier finds his hubris severely compromised by a sexy night club singer.

Brokeback Mountain. Buddy Film: (2005) Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal. Two cowboy friends help each other find humility on a mountain. Hot, sweaty humility.

Boys Don't Cry. DocuDrama: (1999) Hilary Swank, Chloe Sevigny. A tomboyish teen makes fast friends in a small Nebraska town -- until those friends brutally take her down a few pegs.

Bareback Mania #3: Well Hung and Young. CockuDrama: (2004). Willie Hung, Rick Hardmember. Pretty much wall to wall modesty. Some scenes include self-deprecation. No condoms.

Posted by Joey at 05:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 26, 2006

Worst Album Review EVER (Why Pitchfork Sucks)

**THIS** may be the worst record review ever written.

Pitchfork Media's review of "The Dividing Island", a new album by the band Lansing-Dreiden, isn't just an example of bad music criticism. VERY BAD music journalism. It's also an example of why music criticism is teetering on the brink of total obsolescence.

That's right, I said TEETERING!

Back in the day, music criticism served a purpose: it helped music fans decide what records they should buy and which ones they should avoid. This was very helpful... back when people actually purchased music. In case you haven't heard, people don't really do the "spending money on music" thing anymore Why buy the cow when you can download steaks off the internet? (I got a 12oz sirloin off of Bittorrent last week. Delicious!) Even those rare music fans who still buy CDs have abandoned music reviews. They don't need to read other people's opinions about an album, they can just go to the band's myspace page or the iTunes store and listen to most of album before they buy it. At this point, people don't need music criticism to tell them whether they should go and buy and album. If music criticism serves any purpose whatsoever, it is to let consumers know if an album is worth previewing. "Is this band worth the 15 seconds it will take for me to find their music online and decide for myself whether it's any good?"

Considering this, it should be obvious that any review which takes longer than 15 seconds to read is totally useless. However, this fact has clearly eluded the Pitchfork writing staff, particularly Mr. Brian Howe -- the man who authored the Lansing-Dreiden review linked above. Howe needs editing the way Dr. Phil needs a savage beating: REAL, REAL BAD.

If you haven't already, read (or at least gloss over) the first paragraph.

Still with me? Good. Now, read the first sentence of the second paragraph. Here, I'll quote it for you: "These questions [the ones raised in the introductory paragraph] would be worth considering if they had anything to do with [the record being reviewed]". Hey Mr. Reviewer: if you begin the second paragraph by telling us that everything you wrote in the first is irrelevant, that's a pretty good sign that you should have just deleted that first paragraph entirely. While you're at it, you can go ahead and delete the sentence that informed us of the aforementioned irrelevance.

BOOM... we've just shortened a 473 word review by 128 words without even breaking a sweat! But why stop there? Take the next sentence: "Given the group's anonymity and the album's museum-quality-- it has the air of an artifact carefully constructed and hermetically sealed under glass-- The Dividing Island seems to float in a void." Hmm... that sentence doesn't actually mean anything -- so I reckon we can cut it as well. We can also eliminate the rest of the second paragraph, since it merely serves as an excuse for for the reviewer to drop the words "hermetic", "groupthink" and "parsing" into the review.

Paragraph three doesn't even reference the album. Rather, it gushes on about some other article written by a different Pitchfork staffer. Get out the scissors, Mary, cuz that paragraph is getting CUT!

It isn't until the 4th and final paragraph of the review that Brian Howe actually bothers to address the record he was supposed to be reviewing. He lists a few of the more notable tracks on the record and offers some oblique descriptions. Badly written, but at least its on topic! However, Howe quickly derails with a conclusion that includes the following: "You can see the theme of division play out over the song titles, but the only operative division this record explores, tacitly, is between the band's theory and their praxis." Guess what, Brian? I also went to went to college, and I know what it looks like when you're just trying to fill space on a term paper. I'm calling BULLSHIT on this review, both its theory and its praxis practice.

The age of lengthy, overwrought record reviews is OVER. If you really need to know what other people think of new music, check out this site. There's little room for pretension when every review is 75 words or less!

Posted by Joey at 05:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 25, 2006

No Photos Please

You've probably seen this picture:

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Allegedly, this image is from a women's soccer hazing ritual that went down at Northwestern University. Hazing is a divisive issue in college athletics, and I believe that each side of the debate has a valid...

Oh, fuck it, I don't care. If you want to read serious opinions about this incident, go somewhere else. I don't care about hazing for the same reason I don't care about ethno-political violence in Darfur: BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SPECIFICALLY AND IMMEDIATELY AFFECT ME. Anyway, it's a tough issue. Hazing is certainly abusive and unnecessary, but if it allows me to see drunk college girls in their underwear, who am I to bite the hand that feeds?

However, I must admit that these images do disturb me. Not because those poor Northwestern girls have been humiliated, but because the circumstances surrounding their humiliation could easily lead to my own.

You see, I'm the sort of person who tends to do offensive and embarrassing things. In public. CONSTANTLY. Hardly a week goes by that I don't do something that brings shame upon myself and my family. Fortunately, that shame generally has a limited shelf-life. When I do something stupid, a few people see me do it, they tell their friends what an ass I am... and eventually people forget about it.

That last part is critical: eventually people forget. But they won't forget those Northwestern girls -- because someone decided it would be a good idea to take photos. People on the cable news networks argue about NSA wiretaps and CIA surveillance, but no one wants to talk about the real threat to our privacy: cheap digital cameras and the assholes who carry them EVERYWHERE. Every social event I attend, someone is taking photos. Maybe they send them to their friends, perhaps they post them on their blogs. They might even be saving them for future blackmail schemes. Ultimately, it doesn't matter why they take the photos... the mere presence of the cameras could have a terrible chilling effect on my tendency toward disgraceful and lewd public acts.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I am one of those camera wielding assholes -- but NOT WILLINGLY. I recently discovered that my mobile phone has a camera on it! Obviously, I don't know how to use it -- not because because I'm stupid but because I'm lazy. I don't bother learning to use technology I don't need. If my toaster-oven had a built in electron microscope, I wouldn't learn to use it just so I could see what my bagel looks like at x10,000 magnification.

Why can't they add features to cell phones that are actually useful?

Posted by Joey at 05:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 23, 2006

If American Idol Didn't Exist

It's hard to imagine a world without American Idol, just as it is hard to image a world without poverty or war. Recently, I asked some of your favorite Idol personalities how different their lives might be if the show had never existed. Their answers may surprise you... but probably won't.

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Posted by Joey at 03:49 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 21, 2006

Your Sunday Puzzle

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ACROSS

1 Sex enjoyed by prisoners (and boybands)
4 Talentless fuckwit "Daly"
5 Talentless fuck (no wit) "Paris"
7 What VH1 and MTV broadcast 24/7
10 What you can go and do to yourself if you don't like this puzzle
12 Porn and some other stuff
15 Not funny (abbreviated)
16 Where boring people post their stupid opinions

DOWN

2 Good place to solicit teenage sex (and check out bands or whatever)
3 Everything you think, eg.
5 Talentless fuckwit "Joey"
6 Talentless fuckwit "Lindsay"
8 Life
9 Bands you haven't heard of, reviewed by people you can't stand
11 Like the band U2, but even boringer.
13 Explains popularity of NASCAR
14 People who watch Gilmore Girls

Posted by Joey at 02:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 19, 2006

Fun Facts: When Doves Cry

In 1984, Prince released "When Doves Cry," one of the greatest pop songs of all time! The single sold over two million copies, and topped that year's prestigious Village Voice Pazz & Jop critics poll.

The lyrics to this tune are a bit cryptic. "Dream if u can a courtyard/An ocean of violets in bloom." No one really knows what that's about. However, the chorus to this song does have an interesting story behind it.

In the early 80's, the city of Minneapolis was inundated with pigeons. Filthy, disease ridden pigeons. At the time, Prince's studio was located downtown, where the pigeon problem was most severe. Every day, he was swarmed by these vermin -- one of the animals went so far as to defecate on the man's favorite purple blouse! After a few months of this, Prince swore revenge against the pigeon population of Minneapolis.

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On February 7, 1984, Prince's recording engineer Brian DuPree dropped by the studio early to fix a broken console. Upon entering, he was shocked to discover that the main drum tracking room had been transformed into (for want of a better term) a pigeon torture chamber. Prince had spent the night trapping dozens of the birds in cages, then subjecting them to a variety of unspeakable abuse: prodding with a sharp stick, electrocution, searing flame from an acetylene torch. Prince set up microphones and recorded the sounds of dying pigeons, telling DuPree that he was using the audio for a new song entitled "This is What Happens When U Shit on My Favorite Blouse (Die U Dirty Birds)." Allegedly, cocaine may have played a minor role in this incident.

Most hardcore fans prefer this early demo version, which was never released but has been widely bootlegged over the years. Always the perfectionist, Prince recorded many alternate versions of the track: "This is What it Sounds Like When I Torture Pigeons" turned into "The Sound of Pigeons Screaming" which became "When Pigeons Scream" which was eventually changed to "When Pigeons Cry". Though all of these permutations had a certain charm, Prince was never satisfied with the track. He was just like his mother that way.

It would be months before Prince experienced the creative breakthrough that facilitated the song's completion. This epiphany occured on a Tuesday night, when Prince was watching a PBS nature documentary about "Urban Wildlife". While viewing this program, Prince learned an astonishing fact: pigeons and doves are actually the exact same species. It's hard to believe: Doves are pure symbols of love while pigeons are revolting spreaders of filth. Yet they are very same animal. "There's got to be a metaphor in there somewhere," Prince probably thought as he rushed to the studio... where he banged out the vocal track for "When Doves Cry" in only one take! The rest is pop history.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 06:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 18, 2006

What am I Worth?

There was a time people actually believed you could make money from a website.

"But Joey... Money from a WEBSITE? That's impossible!"

It's easy to understand why you might think that, Nameless Rhetorical Device Person. But remember, this was a kinder, gentler time... the 1990s! This was back when venture capital flowed like wine and Seattle grunge music flowed like some other thing that flows like wine. If you had a website, you could be sure that somebody would be willing to invest in it. Hell, you didn't even need a website to get funding -- or a computer, for that matter. If you had nothing more than a piece of crumpled notebook paper with a crude drawing of a webpage... you could still get a few million in seed money. The 90s were FREAKING AWESOME! Sadly, that wonderful decade ended six years ago.

Or did it?

Actually, I'm pretty sure it did -- checked my day planner and everything. However, there is good news: we may be on the brink of a new Golden Age of Internet Profitability! Recently, a friend directed me to this link at LeapFish.com, a website that analyzes the value of internet domain names. As you can see (if you clicked the link), the joeyheadset.com domain name is worth $12,422.00.

WHOOOOO!!!! I'm sitting on a freaking gold mine! I had no idea my domain name was worth so much.

"But Joey... you would never sell out, would you? I thought you were all about keeping it REAL!"

Let me make this perfectly clear: I AM ALWAYS, ALWAYS READY TO SELL OUT. If someone called me right now and offered me $12,422 for the joeyheadset.com web domain, you better believe I would sell it. Fuck, I'd probably sell it for a 6-pack of Schlitz and a bag of beef jerky.

However, before I accept any dried meat products, I should further investigate the true value of this website. After all, the figure mentioned above only reflects the value of the domain name "joeyheadset.com". It doesn't take into account the treasure trove of quality content that already exists on the site! If I charged only $12,422 for this site, it would be like selling an old suitcase for $10 at a yard sale... when that suitcase happens to contain 20 bricks of pure, uncut colombian cocaine! (I have the most popular yard sales in my neighborhood). Once you add in the value of the content, Joey Headset is going to be worth that much more.

In order to prove this definitively, I tracked down a website that calculates the TOTAL WORTH of a website... not just the value of the domain it happens to be parked on. After churning through some complicated calculation algorithms, this Blog Worth Calculator spewed forth the following:


My blog is worth $6,774.48.
How much is your blog worth?

An interesting result. It seems that my whole website is worth $6,774.48 while just the domain is worth $12,422.00. Therefore, I must conclude that the internet-web-humor I've lovingly crafted for your enertainment has actually DECREASED the value of my domain by $5647.52!

Wow. I must really, really suck.

Posted by Joey at 06:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 17, 2006

Eat Like a Man

Being a man isn't easy -- and it's getting harder every day.

In the old days, all you needed in order to be a man was a drinking problem, a criminal record and a few dangly bits between your legs. So long as you worked hard (or at least bitched a lot about how hard you work) and treated your woman right (or at least didn't leave visible marks when you smacked her around) no one could call your manliness into question.

These days, the rules are different. Being a man is no longer just about farting a lot and beating people up. Now there are dietary restrictions! If you watch television -- and I suspect you do -- you've probably seen this commercial:

The upshot of this ad: if you are really a man, you will go to Burger King and scarf down a Texas Double Whopper as soon as physically possible. "I'll eat this meat until my innie turns into an outie". Indeed! The Whopper in question is a deluxe hamburger with two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, mayonnaise and a few strips of bacon. For those keeping keeping score, this burger will run you 1050 calories (620 from fat) and 210mg of cholesterol. On the plus side, one of these burgers will supply 15 percent of your daily Vitamin C requirement. So at least you won't suffer from scurvy while your ass expands like Starbuck's through the pacific northwest. SHUT UP THAT IS AN APT METAPHOR!!!

The commercial playfully co-opts various masculine cliches. Of particular interest is the line, "I'll admit i've been fed quiche" -- a reference to Bruce Feirstein's assertion that Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. I've never understood this. Quiche is a food that's made of eggs, cheese and (usually) some form of meat. What's so fucking unmanly about that? It's basically an omelet inside a pie crust. There's nothing effeminate about omelets, and you better not try to tell me that there's something "gay" about pie. Not to my face!

So go ahead, eat like a man. Shove meat and cheese down your throat with gleeful abandon. Just remember one thing: you can eat a man and you can look like a man... but you can't do both at once. Not unless you happen to be Butterbean.

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Posted by Joey at 05:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 12, 2006

E3 Video Game Report

Last time I counted, there were precisely 1,348,662 web sites that cover the exciting world of video games. And in the time it took me to type that last sentence, it's likely that another 25-50 sites popped up. According to my projections, by the year 2011, every single electron in the universe will be used for internet video game coverage. Sadly, this will leave no spare electrons for video games. Or, for that matter, sentient life forms who might want to play video games.

In an effort to hasten this, the inevitable heat death of the universe, I've decided to join the ranks of the video game pundit-ocracy. Of course, some of you may question my qualifications -- and you'd be right to do so. I must admit, I don't actually play video games. I've always felt my time could be better spent reading books. SHUT UP I'M NOT JUST PRETENDING I READ BOOKS SO PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M SMART. Though my video game knowledge may be inadequate, I do have the ability to be extremely critical of things I know virtually nothing about. From what I've read of "video game journalism", I should do just fine.

Obviously, there could be no better time to start covering Interactive Entertainment than right now, during the 2006 Electronic Entertainment Expo. All the video game companies have gathered in Los Angeles to hype their upcoming products - and there's nothing gamers enjoy more than a video game that hasn't been released yet. You see, we video game journalists are a FORWARD thinking people. Our favorite games are the ones that exist only in our brainspace -- a magical realm constructed from leaked screenshots, vague press releases and good old fashioned speculation. Just as video games are more fun than "real life", speculation is more fun than reporting "real facts".

Anyway, I've browsed through the offerings at E3 and found a few "next-gen" games that are truly innovative. I believe these games will revolutionize (or should I say "Wii-ize"?) the way pasty friendless youths fill time between atomic wedgies and Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns. Check them out!

Title: Firefighter 360
Platform: XBOX 360

It took a national catastrophe -- magnitude 9/11 -- to draw our attention to the sacrifices made by our nation's firefighters. Yet, even after the twin towers fell, firemen and firewomen remain conspicuously absent from interactive media. Think about it: how many video games have allowed players to control a police officer, secret agent, soldier or Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve? Too many to count. And how many have allowed you to control a firefighter? None. Until now! Microsoft's Firefighter 360 is the first game that provides a thrilling virtual firefighter experience. Everything is in this game, from forest fires to office fires to adorable kitty cats stuck in trees (that is, adorable kitty cats that have been set on fire). And if you like hoes hose, this game has plenty of them it! Though there is a stunning depth of gameplay, I am most excited about the special "360 Mode", in which you drive around a suburban neighborhood, putting out houses that have caught fire due to faulty XBOX 360 power supply units. The graphics in this mode are so realistic, you can almost FEEL THE HEAT from the virtual flames. Just make sure that the flames are on your TV and not in the area surrounding your actual XBOX power supply. Those things do get a little warm.

Title: Grand Theft Auto 4: Grand Theft Console
Platform: Playstation 3

Gaming fans were shocked (SHOCKED!) to discover that Sony Playstation 3 would cost $500 for the entry level unit. Very pricey! In fact, the console is so expensive, many gamers may not be able to afford it. This situation is actually quite ironic, because one of the launch titles for the PS3 could teach less affluent gamers how to acquire the console without actually getting "a job".

In Grand Theft Auto 4: Grand Theft Console, you play a delinquent teenager who steals cars, runs over cops, and beats prostitutes to death with a baseball bat, just so he can afford to buy a new video game console. Of course, the game doesn't end once he gets the console. He still needs money for games, for Blu-Ray DVDs, for surround sound audio and a sweet Plasma HDTV. As the bodycount elevates, your character's home entertainment system expands. Will this teenage thug be able to kill enough people to afford next-gen entertainment? Find out when the PS3 launches this November!

Title: Wii TV
Platform: Nintendo Wii

Though Nintendo's next-gen console, the "Wii", may lack some of the graphics processing power of the 360 and the PS3, it makes up for it with an innovative control interface. The Wii boasts an advanced motion-controller that looks very much like a remote control.

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Though most of the Wii launch titles will utilize the unique design of this controller, no game makes better use of it than Wii TV. This game is the very first next-gen Television Watching Simulator. When you start the game, you design a character and a sofa for that character to sit on. When the game starts, you use your Wii controller to control the remote control that controls the screen watched by the Virtual TV Watcher you are watching watch TV on your screen. Think of this game as a grown-up version of Pokemon Channel for the Game Cube. And if you're over the age of 12 and have actually played Pokemon Channel, think of getting, as they say, a life.

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If E3 2006 is any indication, next-gen video games will bring countless hours of blissful joy to everyone. Well... at least to everyone with lots of disposable income, plenty of free time and no real social life.

Posted by Joey at 02:27 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 10, 2006

David Blaine's Next Stunt

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Posted by Joey at 06:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 08, 2006

7th Heaven Series Finale

For centuries, philosophers and theologians have considered this question:

Can God create a TV show so bad, even He can't watch it?

In 1996, the WB Network put an end to all that philosophical pondering once and for all with the introduction of "7th Heaven". Over the last 10 seasons, 7th Heaven has been the WB's flagship program... a Family Drama that can be enjoyed by the Entire Family. So long as your Family is white, Christian and really really boring. Though the program has been a consistent ratings leader for the WB, the network is finally bringing 7th Heaven to a conclusion. As usual, internet-people have started a petition drive, arguing that the WB is "only canceling the show because [insert preposterous reason for canceling a TV show that fans of the show invent when they don't know what the hell they're talking about]". Even though the petition drive is doomed to failure (like every other petition drive in the history of the world), it's hard not to feel sorry for fans who have lost their favorite show. Take heart 7th Heavenites: you can spend that extra hour on Mondays harshly judging people who don't practice your religion! Just like you spend every other hour of your week.

The final episode airs tonight, but I've already downloaded the it off of BitTorrent. For those of you who can't wait to find out what happens to the Camdens, read on:

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In the final episode of 7th Heaven, every member of the Camden family gets shot. In the face.

Oh well... so much for those spin-off rumors.

Posted by Joey at 06:11 AM

May 06, 2006

The Juleprita

Right now, on the east coast, it is 2:30 AM. Yesterday, of course, was Cinco De Mayo: a Mexican holiday celebrating a massive beatdown of French expeditionary forces at the Battle of Puebla (circa 1862). The holiday is also celebrated in America, where (like most holidays) it mostly serves as an excuse to drink. Though the makers of Corona contend that their beer is the official drink of Cinco de Mayo festivities, most people I know would prefer to drink Margaritas. They taste better than crappy Mexican beer, plus get you drunk considerably faster.

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Tomorrow, if you didn't already know, is the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby. As sporting events go, it's not that interesting: the whole thing only takes about two minutes. In this sense it's slightly less boring than NASCAR (though NASCAR does have those hilariously deadly car wrecks). However, the great thing about the Derby isn't the horse race itself -- it's all the traditions surrounding the race. For instance, the Kentucky Derby is the only sporting event that has its VERY OWN COCKTAIL: the delicious Mint Julep.

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The Julep is yet another fabulous innovation brought to us by wealthy, alcoholic White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. This drink's got it all! It's got bourbon and mint and bourbon and sugar... AND BOURBON!

It's not every year that Cinco De Mayo and the Kentucky Derby come on consecutive days. In order to celebrate this happy convergence, I've invented a delightful new cocktail: The Juliprita! It's the perfect drink for those lonely hours between your tequila induced Cinco-buzz and your shameless Derby-day bourbon bender. Here's the recipe:


Ingredients:

2.5 oz. Tequila
2.5 oz. Bourbon
1.5 oz. Triple Sec
5 Sprigs Mint (if unavailable, just crush a dozen Altoids into a fine powder)
1 oz Lime Juice (use real limes, NO MIX!)
Sugar
Kosher Salt

Mixing instructions:

Dump all liquor into a cocktail shaker (or a well-chilled bucket). Slosh it around a bit until it seems mixed. Drop mint sprigs and most of the sugar into liquor and muddle it with a blunt muddling instrument until you get pretty bored of muddling. Moisten the rim of any clean glass you can find with the husk of a lime (you DID use real limes, RIGHT?) and dip half of the glass's rim into kosher salt. Then, dip the other half into what's left of the sugar. Dump some ice into the shaker/bucket and then shake it. SHAKE IT REAL GOOD. Pour the drink into your salt and sugar lined glass.

Enjoy!

Posted by Joey at 02:33 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 04, 2006

Web Comic: Dem Franchize Boyz

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Posted by Joey at 05:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 02, 2006

Growing the Brand

I am proud to announce that Joeyheadset.com has increased its daily web traffic by 226% over the last three months! Don't believe me? Check out this very-plausible looking graph:

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That's 3 months of solid growth. Feel the excitement! Catch this feeling! Get on board the buzz-train before it pulls out of the station AND GOES TO SOME OTHER STATION! The steady increase in joeyheadset visitors is remarkable -- especially when you consider this graph, depicting the quality level of Joey Headset content over the same period:

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With my website's traffic on the rise, I can finally start looking for new ways to take your money grow the Joey Headset brand. In the area of web-humor-entertainment, Joey Headset is already a well-respected brand with impressive name recognition among key demographics. (key demographics = shut-ins and people with severe emotional problems). In fact, my brand is strong enough to facilitate synergistic expansion into NEW markets. For instance, audiences that already enjoy reading my bitchy TV reviews should also be willing to try my new signature cologne. I'm calling it, "Joey: The Fragrance". It's a bold new scent that SMELLS LIKE SELF-LOATHING. If that works out, I'm also planning to release a line of Joey branded feminine hygiene products.

Another way for me to make money off the Joey Headset brand is through advertising. Lots and lots of advertising.

"But Joey, if you put ads on this site, won't that make you a SELLOUT?"

An interesting and surprisingly complicated question. The short answer is "not really". The long answer is "yeah, pretty much." But keep in mind, there are distinct advantages to selling out. I could use the ad revenue to generate premium, rich-media content and to introduce contests and promotions featuring all manner of fabulous prizes. Hell, I could even use the money to go out and SEE some of the movies I review.

Of course, the operative word here is "could". I could use the extra money to improve the site, but in reality, I would probably just spend it on liquor and video games.

If it turns out the Joey Headset brand isn't strong enough to generate revenue through synergistic marketing and ad-whoring, I guess I could just do like everyone else on the web: sell T-shirts. Everyone loves T-shirts.

Posted by Joey at 03:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack