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April 12, 2006

TV Review: Pepper Dennis

The WB's new comedy, Pepper Dennis, has a lot going for it. Well, it has three things going for it: Rebecca Romijn, Brooke Burns and Lindsay Price.

pepgir2.jpg

These are three fabulously beautiful women! Rebecca Romijn was a supermodel, Brooke Burns has been photographed for Maxim and Lindsay Price has appeared in many shows that got cancelled very quickly. But she's still pretty HOT! For the ladies, Pepper Dennis presents heartthrobs Josh Hopkins and Rider Strong (who was voted "Most Likely To Appear in Gay Porn" by his high school class, simply based on his unusual name. And his proclivity for fellating male classmates on home video.)

With so much eye candy, how can Pepper Dennis fail?

Very, very easily.

You see, Pepper Dennis is the worst written show on television. It is just fucking awful. The dialogue is trite and stilted, simultaneously inane and asinine. Plot "twists" are telegraphed so far in advance that you'd think the show was written by old-timey telegraph operators. FROM THE FUTURE. And what passes for comedy on this show... it's a sham, a fraud. It's not that the comedy on the show doesn't work, it's that the comedy on the show ISN'T ACTUALLY COMEDY. Not really. Pretty girls running face-first into doors, falling into puddles, getting food sprayed all over their perfectly tailored outfits -- this is to comedy what plastic fruit is to a fruit salad. It's got all the trappings of humor, but none of the comedic payoff. Simply put: NOT FUNNY.

It just isn't fair to put such beautiful women on a show that is so, so bad. Every second I watch triggers another ego-crushing wave of self-loathing, yet I just can't bring myself to change the channel. Pepper Dennis makes me want to gnaw my own eyeballs off, and not in a good way.

Despite all this, the show is enjoyable. You just need to know how to watch it. I've developed a special technique for watching Pepper Dennis that allows viewers to fully experience everything that's great about the show, while minimizing their exposure to the parts of it that suck. Here's how it works: Go to your TV Viewing Room and pick up your remote control. Find this button:

pep_mut.jpg

Press it. Don't press it again until the show is over. At some point, you will see two or more TOTALLY CUTE girls talking to each other and you might feel the urge to un-mute your TV and find out what they are saying. DON'T DO IT! Just stare at the TV in silence. And remember: pretending that pretty girls have interesting things to say doesn't do you any good when those girls are on TV.

Posted by Joey at April 12, 2006 04:03 AM

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