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April 04, 2006

Brave New Pizza

"Pizza. It's what's for dinner!"

No... wait. That one's been done before. Let's try this again.


Offended? You should be! But not at me. Except for the part where I called you a fat fuck. You should probably be offended at that. But mostly you should be offended at the four major national pizza chains: Pizza Hut, Domino's, Little Caesar's and Papa John's. Those bastards have turned pizza from delicious cuisine into a one way ticket to Morbid Obesityville.

I think the problem reached a tipping point back in 2003, when Pizza Hut debuted their Stuffed Crust Gold "pizza". I use the quotation marks there because this menu item only qualifies as a "pizza" in the most general sense. Fuck, it barely even qualifies as FOOD. If you recall, the Stuffed Crust Gold was a pizza that had mozzarella cheese baked inside the crust (hence the Stuffed) and a layer of cheddar cheese baked on top of the crust (hence the gold). For those keeping score, that's cheese on the pizza, cheese in the crust and cheese on the crust. God help us if Pizza Hut's food scientists ever figure out how to make the crust itself out of cheese. Either that or they will dispense with the crust entirely and just fill the cardboard pizza box to the brim with molten cheese, sprinkling pepperoni on top.

Until that day arrives, we will have to be content with innovations in pizza scale. Domino's recently introduced the XLP - the Extra Large Pizza. It's 30% bigger!


Papa John's responded with their cinematically branded Kong's King-Size Pizza. It's also 30% bigger! Plus, if you buy one, you get $3 off Peter Jackson's King Kong on DVD, as well as 20% off your next coronary bypass.


Look, I don't want to rain on anyone's marketing synergy parade, but I must point out that King Kong is an APE. As such he mostly eats fruits and grasses - maybe the occasional insect. KING KONG DOESN'T EAT CHEESE OR SAUSAGE OR PEPPERONI. An authentic King Kong pizza would be topped with pineapple and dung beetles. And no one in their right mind would eat a pizza topped with pineapple.

Even non-pizza franchises are getting in on the hyper-gluttonous fun. The other day, I drove past an A&W restaurant and saw something that nearly made me drive off the road. A sign advertising "cheese curds". CHEESE CURDS! Allow me to quote from their website:

"Cheese Curds have been popular in Wisconsin for years. But unless you've grown up tailgating in the shadow of Lambeau Field, or ice fishing on Muskellunge Lake, you might not have had the pleasure of enjoying Cheese Curds. Doesn't the name inspire your curiosity?"

Does it inspire my curiosity? Sure it does... the same way watching Oz on HBO inspired my curiousity about prison rape. But if you send me to prison, I'M NOT DROPPING THE SOAP JUST TO SATIATE MY CURIOSITY! Similarly, I shall not be putting my mouth anywhere near something called a cheese curd. I don't give a shit what they do in Wisconsin.

Posted by Joey at April 4, 2006 06:00 AM

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No, the next big pizza gimmick is an all-crust pizza with a crust of cheese and toppings.

Posted by: Jon at April 4, 2006 06:29 PM

You are BLOWING MY MIND. Ooh, what if one of the toppings was Cheese Curds! When such a pizza is finally created, I think it will bring about the End of Times.

(Condolences on your Bruins, BTW)

Posted by: joey at April 4, 2006 07:07 PM

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