« Ironic Recontextualization | Main | Take the Money, Dummy »

April 22, 2006

Ask Joey

As you already know, I am a very wise person. I always know what other people should do. I never seem to know what I should do, but when it comes to the lives of friends and acquaintances, I'm infallible. I'm like the Pope, except without the cool hat.

For this reason, I've decided to start up my very own advice column!

"But Joey, who's gonna ask you for advice? You are an asshole and nobody cares what you think about anything. NOBODY!"

Good point! Fortunately, I've found a way around this. Until such time as I can get other people to ask me for advice, I'm going to borrow (ie. steal) questions that have been asked of lesser advice columnists, and provide my own superior responses.

Let's kick off this new feature with a question that was sent to America's premier advice columnist, Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.
I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA

Dear Abby's response to this question was stupid and worthless. Here's MY response:

DEAR FLORIDA FAG-HAG: Your husband sounds like a total homo, and your son will surely turn out the same way if you don't do something about it. First of all, why is "Ron" doing all the cooking and housework in your home? What the hell are you doing all day, watching Oprah and sucking down bon-bons? Why don't you drag your fat ass off the sofa and start cooking and cleaning like a WOMAN is supposed to. Stupid bitch.

Once you and the Ronster have your gender roles sorted out, your husband will need to demonstrate his manliness at every opportunity. I would suggest that you invite "Brett" into the bedroom during you and Ron's lovemaking sessions. Your son needs to see how a man TAKES CARE OF BUSINESS. Also, it would be a good idea to let the kid see your hubby smack you around from time to time -- just so he knows who's in charge.

Of course, even if you do all this, there's a fair chance that the damage has already been done. Your son "Brett" may already be A Homosexual. If this is the case, I'd suggest you consult Dr. James Dobson's excellent book, "God's Tough Love: How to Beat the GAY Out of Your Child".

If this doesn't work, you'll need to think "outside the box". When I was growing up, my father caught me smoking in the alley behind our house. As punishment, he made me smoke a whole carton of Lucky Strikes! I never smoked again! Perhaps you should try a similar technique with your own child. Get Ron (and, if necessary, some of his friends) to sodomize your son continuously for 16 hours.

Scared Straight, indeed!


If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.

Posted by Joey at April 22, 2006 04:43 AM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:


Post a comment

Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)

(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)

Remember me?