April 30, 2006
NFL Draft, the Late Rounds
I love the NFL Draft. It's always heartwarming to see how a college education can lead young men to financial success, even when it doesn't lead them to... uh... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah: Literacy.
Though casual football fans only watch the first round, we *HARDCORE* fans know that the draft doesn't really get interesting until the late rounds. Sure, it may seem like all the best players have already been drafted by the 7th round. It may also seem like most of the good players, the average players and even the merely adequate players have also been taken off the board. Even so, there are always a few IMPACT PLAYERS still up for grabs in the closing moments of the draft. Here are a few of the late-round picks I think are going to make BIG contributions in the 2007 NFL Season.
Nathan Struggs, Cleveland State University
Picked 13th in the 7th Round (221st overall) by the Dallas Cowboys
A 3rd year transfer from Cleveland State Community College, Nate didn't see a lot of playing time for the Cleveland St. Vikings. In fact, he only played in one game -- but his performance in that game was MORE THAN ENOUGH to make a strong impression. During a home contest against the Ramblers of Loyola, Struggs caught exactly one ball -- a 7 yard reception for a first down. Though the play was far from spectacular, this didn't prevent Nate from launching into an excessive "1st Down Celebration", complete with fist pumping, disgraceful taunting and a (surprisingly well choreographed) dance routine. Though he was ejected from the game, Dallas Cowboys scouts knew they had found someone special: a player capable of being a bigger ASS than Terrell Owens (acquired by Dallas in the offseason). Though it is unlikely Nate will see any playing time in the regular season, look for him to be a staple of the preseason squad. The Cowboys hope that Nate's raging ego and lack of sportsmanship might shame Terrell Owens into behaving himself this season. I wouldn't bet on it.
Bucky S. Johnson, Bard College.
Picked 46th in the 7th Round (254th Overall) by the Kansas City Chiefs
Bucky played one season of high school football, but he's best known as the finest Ultimate Frisbee player ever produced by Bard College (a traditional Ultimate Frisbee POWERHOUSE). Though some NFL scouts doubted the Buckmeister could make the transition from a non-contact game played mostly by hippies to a brutally violent sport played by steroid fiends, the Chiefs took a chance with their final pick of the draft. It was either Bucky, or one of the complete *losers* remaining in the draft pool.
Joey Headset, Swarthmore College
Picked 47th in the 7th Round (255th Overall) by the Oakland Raiders
Yeah... I'm as surprised as anyone about this. I didn't even realize I was draft eligible. Fucking hell, does this mean I'll have to move to Oakland? Maybe I can register as a Consientious Objector...
April 27, 2006
Snakes on United 93
I like to see horrible things happening to aircraft passengers as much as the next guy... but is it really necessary to have TWO airplane catastrophe movies come out over one summer? I think the pair of films in question (Snakes On a Plane and United 93) could easily be COMBINED into one super-awesome film. Click on the image below to see a web-comic-simulation of such a movie's trailer.
April 25, 2006
Take the Money, Dummy
Not content to spiral gracefully down the ratings toilet, NBC has finally generated a hit show: Deal or No Deal. It's the show where contestants choose or don't choose to win larger or smaller quantities of money. And there are sexy models -- sexy models holding briefcases (and I thought I was the only one with that particular fetish).
According to Deal or No Deal's host, (former) comedian Howie Mandel, viewers love Deal or No Deal because it's a game that "anyone can play". This is a nice way of putting it. The not-so-nice way of putting it would be to say that the game is total BULLSHIT. It requires no skill or intelligence on the part of contestants! Steven Hawking would fare no better on this show than any mouth breathing, NASCAR watching, [insert your own white trash reference] jackass you might pick up off the street.
This represents a major paradigm shift in the contemporary game show zeitgeist. SHUT UP I DO *SO* KNOW WHAT MOST OF THOSE WORDS MEAN! In old school game shows, contestants had to actually DO something in order to win money. They had to answer questions, eat insects... occasionally they had to spay or neuter their pets. Americans are a hard working people who admire those that help themselves; why would they want to see a show where people get money for doing nothing at all?
Because, it so happens that Americans are also an ignorant people who despise anyone smarter than they are (ie. anyone who reads books).
Since every hit program inspires a few dozen copycats, I can't wait to see a new generation of television game show. These new programs will reward boldness over wits, luck over skill, and good looking white people over conspicuously ethnic competitors (see also, Quiz Show). Here are a few ideas I think might be just as popular as Deal or No Deal.
Retired Exxon Executive Lee Raymond gives cash and prizes to contestants who are willing to kiss his ass in the most humiliating, personally degrading manner possible. Ray Ray's got a $400 million dollar retirement package... he's earned a little televised brown-nosing!
Pimpin' for Cash
Hosted (or should I say "HOES-ted" hahaha) by rapper Snoop Dogg, this is the first show that gives out big money to fellows who can convince their girlfriends to have sex with another man. Who is that man? Snoop Dogg himself! The further contestants can get their girl to go, the more money -- and respect -- they will receive from Snoopy D-O-double-G. Pimpin' ain't easy, but on this show, it is highly lucrative.
Get That Money!
Every week, a big pile of cash is dumped in a crowded public place: shopping malls, sporting events, unemployment lines. Citizens-turned-contestants scramble to fill their pockets, frequently beating each other senseless with sticks and rocks (graciously strewn about the money pile by the show's producers). Hidden cameras capture all the greed induced violence in glorious high-definition.
April 22, 2006
As you already know, I am a very wise person. I always know what other people should do. I never seem to know what I should do, but when it comes to the lives of friends and acquaintances, I'm infallible. I'm like the Pope, except without the cool hat.
For this reason, I've decided to start up my very own advice column!
"But Joey, who's gonna ask you for advice? You are an asshole and nobody cares what you think about anything. NOBODY!"
Good point! Fortunately, I've found a way around this. Until such time as I can get other people to ask me for advice, I'm going to borrow (ie. steal) questions that have been asked of lesser advice columnists, and provide my own superior responses.
Let's kick off this new feature with a question that was sent to America's premier advice columnist, Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.
I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA
Dear Abby's response to this question was stupid and worthless. Here's MY response:
DEAR FLORIDA FAG-HAG: Your husband sounds like a total homo, and your son will surely turn out the same way if you don't do something about it. First of all, why is "Ron" doing all the cooking and housework in your home? What the hell are you doing all day, watching Oprah and sucking down bon-bons? Why don't you drag your fat ass off the sofa and start cooking and cleaning like a WOMAN is supposed to. Stupid bitch.
Once you and the Ronster have your gender roles sorted out, your husband will need to demonstrate his manliness at every opportunity. I would suggest that you invite "Brett" into the bedroom during you and Ron's lovemaking sessions. Your son needs to see how a man TAKES CARE OF BUSINESS. Also, it would be a good idea to let the kid see your hubby smack you around from time to time -- just so he knows who's in charge.
Of course, even if you do all this, there's a fair chance that the damage has already been done. Your son "Brett" may already be A Homosexual. If this is the case, I'd suggest you consult Dr. James Dobson's excellent book, "God's Tough Love: How to Beat the GAY Out of Your Child".
If this doesn't work, you'll need to think "outside the box". When I was growing up, my father caught me smoking in the alley behind our house. As punishment, he made me smoke a whole carton of Lucky Strikes! I never smoked again! Perhaps you should try a similar technique with your own child. Get Ron (and, if necessary, some of his friends) to sodomize your son continuously for 16 hours.
Scared Straight, indeed!
If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.
April 20, 2006
So you're at a fancy restaurant, and you've ordered a nice meal. Pasta perhaps... or maybe the grilled fish special. Eventually, your waiter arrives and serves you -- not the dish you ordered -- but instead, a large pile of dog shit. Do you eat it?
No, of course you don't. You're a classy individual and you generally choose not to eat dog shit.
Now, let's repeat this scene, with one minor change. Again, you're at the restaurant and the waiter serves you a pile of dog shit. But this time, as he places this plate of canine feces before you - he WINKS at you. He winks at you as if to say, "Heh, it's dog shit. Get it?" This time, do you eat it?
"No Joey, I would never eat dog shit! Ape shit, maybe... but NEVER dog shit!"
Don't be so sure, hypothetical respondent! You might be eating metaphorical dog shit right now, and not even know it.
You see, it all relates to something I like to call "ironic recontextualization". I could probably call it something else, something more descriptive and less pretentious, but SHUT UP I'LL CALL IT WHATEVER THE FUCK I LIKE!
Anyway, ironic recontextualization is what happens when you take something that sucks, and repackage it so that suckiness becomes its chief selling point. It's sort of like a Jedi Mind Trick -- if the Jedi had been a bunch of assholes who worked in marketing departments.
Here's an example of this troubling phenomenon. Many young, hip people enjoy Adult Swim, the late night adult-themed programming block on the Cartoon Network. They show reruns of Futurama and Family Guy, as well as original animated series such as Aqua Teen Hunger Force and The Boondocks (which is TEH AWESOME!). Being on the Cartoon Network, Adult Swim only showed animation -- until now. A couple of weeks ago, Adult Swim announced that they would be airing episodes of Saved By the Bell.
Yes, that Saved By the Bell. Adult Swim fans, such as myself, wondered why they had decided to disrupt their quality adult-animation block with a hideous live-action kids show from the late 80s. At first, I assumed it was a rather delayed April Fool's joke. However, as the network continued to run promos for the show, I realized that Adult Swim was actually executing a quintessential act of ironic recontextualization. Adult Swim is no longer a mere "programming block", it has become a BRAND. People associate this brand with edgy and original programming. With the brand thusly established, they decided that they could take any old piece of crap out of the anals (sic) of television, slap an Adult Swim watermark on it, and it would retain the supercool brand image.
Remember that pile of dog shit you got served at the fancy restaurant? Ironic recontextualization in its purest form.
Of course, everyone doesn't respond positively when they' were served a steaming pile of recontextualized irony. When Adult Swim announced they were showing Saved By the Bell reruns, their message boards went batshit crazy. So what did Adult Swim do? They recontextualized all that angry feedback. Ironically.
Another example of this dubious marketing strategy can be seen on VH1's So NoTORIous. One can imagine what transpired when VH1 put this show concept in front of a focus group.
TV Executive: "We're going to be doing a new show, totally centered around Tori Spelling. What do you think?"
Focus Group Participant: "Tori Spelling, that ugly chick from 90210? She sucks! Wasn't she only on that show because she was the daughter of the guy who produced it?"
TV Executive: "Yes, we know she sucks. Even Miss Spelling knows she sucks. That's the point of the show! Tori Spelling plays herself, and you get to see her sucking in a lot of unusual and unlikely situations!"
Focus Group Participant: "Why the fuck would I want to watch that?"
TV Executive: "SHUT UP I'M A TV EXECUTIVE YOU KNOW NOTHING!!!"
So NoTORIous is a star-vehicle for an actress who absolutely, positively sucks. However, in the show, VH1 slyly lets us (the viewers) know that they know that we know she sucks. By doing so, the network would have us accept the suckitude as if it were satire, spoof, "campy fun". Though, in reality, it's none of these.
It's just more dog shit. With a wink.
April 17, 2006
Katie Couric Gets Her News On
April 13, 2006
BlaK is the new Black
As a member of the Blog-O-Sphere, it's very important for me to try new products before everyone else. That way, by the time most other people are getting interested in something, I'm already nicely jaded about it (thereby allowing me to piss all over their enthusiasm). That's just the kind of guy I am!
My obsession with trying new products is especially keen when it comes to soft drinks -- Coke products in particular. So when I heard that the Coca-Cola Company had just released a new PREMIUM beverage, I actually phoned up local convenience stores to find out who was stocking it. What can I say, I'm a Coke Whore!
(Wow. That REALLY wasn't the best way to express my appreciation for Coca-Cola beverage products.)
Anyway, last night my annoying phone calls finally paid off! I infiltrated a local Quik-E Mart, and found the newest version of my favorite Cola: Coca-Cola BlaK.
What is Blak? I could describe it for you, but it would be much easier to copy/paste from a Coke press release:
"Coca-Cola Blak is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink -- an adult product in a carbonated beverage -- and a whole new drinking experience. This brand is ideal for any part of the day when people are looking for renewed energy or simply to take a break."
OK. Let's break this down. First of all, WTF is a "Flavor Extension"? Is that a fancy way of describing Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Coke with Lemon, Coke with Lime, Coke Your Roommate Peed in While You Were Passed Out From Drinking? Secondly, what it is that makes a soft drink "adult"? In my experience, the only ingredient that makes a beverage qualify as "adult" is alcohol. Hence the term, Adult Beverage. However, BlaK has no alcohol content. Not even a little. Finally, regarding the alleged smooth texture and "coffee-like froth" of this drink -- I'm calling bullshit on that one. I poured Coke BlaK into a glass before I consumed it. It poured like Coke, it looked like Coke... it even frothed like Coke.
"But Joey, how did it taste?!?!" It tasted like Coke -- with a delightful coffee essence! I won't lie: this is a tasty drink. The fusion of Coca-Cola with coffee may be questionable in theory, but it's quite appealing in practice. The fact that this drink is a "mid-calorie" beverage (half of its sugar is real, half is artificial) didn't even bother me, since the coffee flavor masked the diet-cola aftertaste. I'm a big fan of Coca-Cola BlaK. However, there is no way I will ever buy it again.
Why? Take a look at this.
NO NOT MY HAIRY ARMS! Look at the price label. That's $1.79 for only 8 ounces! You can get a 20oz bottle of any other version of Coke for considerably less. Why the hell did they have to make it so damn expensive? It's just regular Coke with a little bit of coffee flavored syrup added to it. Do they really expect me to believe that coffee flavored syrup costs that much more than cherry or vanilla flavored syrup? I checked a few websites that sell flavored syrups, and they charged the same for all three flavors.
So if you really want to get the BlaK experience, but don't want to get totally ripped off, I suggest you buy your own coffee syrup and flavor your regular cola to taste. Either that or take a sip of Coke, a sip of actual coffee, and just swish them around in your mouth a bit before swallowing. It's cheap, and it gets you caffeinated. You really can't ask for more than that.
April 12, 2006
TV Review: Pepper Dennis
The WB's new comedy, Pepper Dennis, has a lot going for it. Well, it has three things going for it: Rebecca Romijn, Brooke Burns and Lindsay Price.
These are three fabulously beautiful women! Rebecca Romijn was a supermodel, Brooke Burns has been photographed for Maxim and Lindsay Price has appeared in many shows that got cancelled very quickly. But she's still pretty HOT! For the ladies, Pepper Dennis presents heartthrobs Josh Hopkins and Rider Strong (who was voted "Most Likely To Appear in Gay Porn" by his high school class, simply based on his unusual name. And his proclivity for fellating male classmates on home video.)
With so much eye candy, how can Pepper Dennis fail?
Very, very easily.
You see, Pepper Dennis is the worst written show on television. It is just fucking awful. The dialogue is trite and stilted, simultaneously inane and asinine. Plot "twists" are telegraphed so far in advance that you'd think the show was written by old-timey telegraph operators. FROM THE FUTURE. And what passes for comedy on this show... it's a sham, a fraud. It's not that the comedy on the show doesn't work, it's that the comedy on the show ISN'T ACTUALLY COMEDY. Not really. Pretty girls running face-first into doors, falling into puddles, getting food sprayed all over their perfectly tailored outfits -- this is to comedy what plastic fruit is to a fruit salad. It's got all the trappings of humor, but none of the comedic payoff. Simply put: NOT FUNNY.
It just isn't fair to put such beautiful women on a show that is so, so bad. Every second I watch triggers another ego-crushing wave of self-loathing, yet I just can't bring myself to change the channel. Pepper Dennis makes me want to gnaw my own eyeballs off, and not in a good way.
Despite all this, the show is enjoyable. You just need to know how to watch it. I've developed a special technique for watching Pepper Dennis that allows viewers to fully experience everything that's great about the show, while minimizing their exposure to the parts of it that suck. Here's how it works: Go to your TV Viewing Room and pick up your remote control. Find this button:
Press it. Don't press it again until the show is over. At some point, you will see two or more TOTALLY CUTE girls talking to each other and you might feel the urge to un-mute your TV and find out what they are saying. DON'T DO IT! Just stare at the TV in silence. And remember: pretending that pretty girls have interesting things to say doesn't do you any good when those girls are on TV.
April 11, 2006
My 100th Post!
What you're reading right now is post number 100 on this, the Joey Headset website. That's right: my website is now 100 posts old. It's been a wild ride, full of chills and thrills, cutting satire and insightful cultural commentary! For my 100th post, I wanted to do something really special. But that sounded like a lot of work, so instead I'm just going to post links to some of my older articles. Think of this as a "best-of" episode: an opportunity for new readers to catch up on some classic Joey Headset moments they might have missed. So now, with no further introduction: The VERY BEST of Joey Headset's first 100 posts!
You see that thing above? It's a tumbleweed. Well, it's an animated picture of a tumbleweed. It symbolizes the fact that there really is no legitimate "best of" for this stupid-ass site. Honestly, this website sucks. I suck for writing it, you probably suck for reading it. I'm not trying to be all emo about it... but come on, I'm just saying what you're already thinking. Even the damn tumbleweed graphic I did is crap. The image was supposed to rotate as it moves across the screen -- except I messed up and then was too lazy to fix it. That's the sort of substandard quality you've come to expect from my website. I'm all about cultivating low expectations, then failing even to live up to them. You can't squeeze blood from a stone, you can't polish a turd, and you really can't salvage a "best-of" out of the steaming pile of crap that is JoeyHeadset.com.
But what the hell, let's do it anyway!
Some people enjoyed my profile of director Uwe Boll, a cinematic visionary. Fewer people enjoyed my list of six reasons why Billy Ocean is better than Lionel Richie. I posted a furious rant about a TV commercial jingle which you might find amusing. Or not. A while back I provided my readers with "Fun Facts" about Demolition Derbies and Julius Caesar -- though they weren't that entertaining, at least they were educational. Finally, I've done a few webcomics which I guess some people like since they keep jacking them from my site and posting them on message boards.
So there it is... the so-called Best of Joey Headset. Let hope the next 100 posts are better than the ones linked above. They certainly couldn't be much worse.
April 08, 2006
The Internet. On TV!
Do you remember when TV shows featured actors and scripts and plots? Do you remember when TV delivered us nightly doses of heart-wrenching drama and side-splitting comedy?
However, if my research is correct, the television of yore was all about entertainment, whereas modern television is mostly about filling time as cheaply as possible. Contrary to popular belief, the rise of Reality TV wasn't due viewers actually preferring it to regular (ie. good) TV. People are stupid, but not that stupid. Reality TV dominates because it is so much cheaper to produce to than dramas and comedies. But Reality TV isn't the cheapest TV around. VH1 discovered they could generate hundreds of hours of time-filler TV with nothing more than stock footage, disembodied narration and an endless army of chattering magazine editors and 3rd rate stand up comics. Hey VH1, you know why *I* Loved the 80s? Because in the 80s NETWORKS SPENT REAL MONEY MAKING GOOD TELEVISION. One episode of Knight Rider was worth more than one million episodes of VH1's "Let's All Blather About Some Thing That Happened".
You would think that TV can't get any cheaper than this. WRONG WRONG WRONG. As it turns out, the cheapest way of making TV is to plug in the old 2400 baud modem, and put the internet on TV. I know, it sounds idiotic. Personally, I can't even say the phrase "put the internet on tv" while keeping a straight face - but that's what they're doing. Consider the following current and upcoming shows:
You know all those stupid videos people email to each other when they're supposed to be working? Now you can watch them on TV. Yay. Of course, you've already seen them on the internet (dozens of times). But you really haven't seen internet videos until you've seen them wedged between episodes of Queer Eye and Project Runway.
Hosted by comedian Patrice O'neal, Webjunk_20 is a show that features internet videos. Just like the one on Bravo. Except this one has a comedian introducing and commenting on the clips. Patrice O'neal is actually a pretty funny stand-up comic. I saw him promoting Webjunk on Late Night w/ David Letterman and he was hilarious. However, VH1 won't permit any comedian to be funny on their network... it violates their formula. Therefore, Patrice is forced to read lame jokes, and the show sucks living crap.
Clearly two internet-on-TV shows would be enough for anyone. That's why there are two more on the way!
First, there's Cyberhood, a web video show that's being produced by Carson Daly. Carson, if you happen to be reading this: you really don't need to produce a web clip show to prove that any random idiot can produce television. The fact that you host a talk show is proof enough.
Also, the USA network is developing a program with eBaum's World... one of the premiere destinations for humor animation clips on the net. EBaum's World has a can't-lose tecnique for viral web video success:
Step 1: Troll the internet for funny clips that other people have created.
Step 2: Add the magic "ebaumsworld.com" logo to the video, thereby claiming it as your own (and thereby taking a massive shit on the person who actually created it).
Step 3: Upload it to your own website and watch the ad revenues ROLL IN.
Like JOEYHEADSET always says, "Copyright Infringement is Your Best Entertainment Value". Actually, I stole that quote from the band Negativeland - but by posting it here and attaching my name to it, I have effectively claimed it as my own. This is much more cost/time effective than inventing my own clever slogans... plus the time I save developing slogans, I can spend promoting the slogans I've stolen from others.
This is the future of television. Well, "future" might be too generous a term. Perhaps "the last dying gasps of television" might be a better way of phrasing it. I'll break it down for you real simple: There are too many shows on too many channels, too many TIVOists blitzing through the ads that were supposed to PAY for the shows, and too many alternatives to tele-visual entertainment (video games, DVDs, internet porn) stealing eyeballs away from the TV screen. The system simply can't sustain itself. So TV gets cheaper and cheaper - a self-perpetuating crap-spiral.
Once popular culture has been degraded to the point where no one in their right mind would be willing to pay for it, thus begins the glorious age of Free Culture. Hey, if you don't want to pay for music, you don't have to. Just steal it until the whole music industry goes under. And after that... well, we'll just have to hope people will make decent music for free: hobbyists, retirees, high schoolers with pirated music software. I'm sure it will be just as good. And as for TV, if you want to dodge commercials on your TIVO or just download commercial-free shows over BitTorrent - that's cool. But guess what: all that slick genre TV you internet-people like: your Buffys and Losts and Fireflys, that shit ain't cheap to produce. If you stop paying for it, they'll stop making it.
You can get your culture for free... but it's going to look less like Battlestar Galactica, and more like a retarded kid lip-syncing into his webcam.
You really do get what you pay for.
April 07, 2006
One Line Reviews
Prison Break, FOX
The show's been on for eight months - COULD YOU PLEASE BREAK OUT OF THE DAMN PRISON ALREADY?
This is NOT the DeForest Kelley vehicle I was hoping for.
So NoTORIous, VH1
Attention Tori Spelling: You really don't need to "poke fun at yourself"; everyone already thinks you're a joke.
Liza with a Z, Showtime
No with an N.
The Showbiz Show with David Spade, Comedy Central
David, if telling those lame jokes bores you that much, imagine how we must feel listening to them.
The New Cars (band)
Clearly someone tampered with the odometer.
Phat Girlz (motion picture)
Skinny guy dressed as fat woman? Hilarious. Actual fat woman "struggling to find love and acceptance"? Not so hilarious.
April 05, 2006
Unenjoyable, Unerotic, Unwatchable
In his excellent review of Basic Instinct 2, Todd Gilchrist concludes:
"Basic Instinct 2 is mediocre. Unenjoyable, unerotic, I daresay unwatchable. All of which says one more thing about my eager anticipation prior to seeing it: when you're looking forward to a piece of crap that's not even satisfying on a piece-of-crap level, at least you can take solace in the fact that the only place to go from there is up."
Well said, Mr. Gilchrist. Well said.
April 04, 2006
Brave New Pizza
"Pizza. It's what's for dinner!"
No... wait. That one's been done before. Let's try this again.
"Pizza. IT'S WHAT YOU SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU FAT FUCK!"
Offended? You should be! But not at me. Except for the part where I called you a fat fuck. You should probably be offended at that. But mostly you should be offended at the four major national pizza chains: Pizza Hut, Domino's, Little Caesar's and Papa John's. Those bastards have turned pizza from delicious cuisine into a one way ticket to Morbid Obesityville.
I think the problem reached a tipping point back in 2003, when Pizza Hut debuted their Stuffed Crust Gold "pizza". I use the quotation marks there because this menu item only qualifies as a "pizza" in the most general sense. Fuck, it barely even qualifies as FOOD. If you recall, the Stuffed Crust Gold was a pizza that had mozzarella cheese baked inside the crust (hence the Stuffed) and a layer of cheddar cheese baked on top of the crust (hence the gold). For those keeping score, that's cheese on the pizza, cheese in the crust and cheese on the crust. God help us if Pizza Hut's food scientists ever figure out how to make the crust itself out of cheese. Either that or they will dispense with the crust entirely and just fill the cardboard pizza box to the brim with molten cheese, sprinkling pepperoni on top.
Until that day arrives, we will have to be content with innovations in pizza scale. Domino's recently introduced the XLP - the Extra Large Pizza. It's 30% bigger!
Papa John's responded with their cinematically branded Kong's King-Size Pizza. It's also 30% bigger! Plus, if you buy one, you get $3 off Peter Jackson's King Kong on DVD, as well as 20% off your next coronary bypass.
Look, I don't want to rain on anyone's marketing synergy parade, but I must point out that King Kong is an APE. As such he mostly eats fruits and grasses - maybe the occasional insect. KING KONG DOESN'T EAT CHEESE OR SAUSAGE OR PEPPERONI. An authentic King Kong pizza would be topped with pineapple and dung beetles. And no one in their right mind would eat a pizza topped with pineapple.
Even non-pizza franchises are getting in on the hyper-gluttonous fun. The other day, I drove past an A&W restaurant and saw something that nearly made me drive off the road. A sign advertising "cheese curds". CHEESE CURDS! Allow me to quote from their website:
"Cheese Curds have been popular in Wisconsin for years. But unless you've grown up tailgating in the shadow of Lambeau Field, or ice fishing on Muskellunge Lake, you might not have had the pleasure of enjoying Cheese Curds. Doesn't the name inspire your curiosity?"
Does it inspire my curiosity? Sure it does... the same way watching Oz on HBO inspired my curiousity about prison rape. But if you send me to prison, I'M NOT DROPPING THE SOAP JUST TO SATIATE MY CURIOSITY! Similarly, I shall not be putting my mouth anywhere near something called a cheese curd. I don't give a shit what they do in Wisconsin.