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March 08, 2006

The Joey Headset Diet

If you are anything like me, you want to look good in a swimsuit. I would never actually wear a swimsuit, because I never go swimming (I'm afraid of the water; and of buoyancy). But if I did go swimming, I'd want to look good doing it. Who wouldn't?

As we transition from Winter into Spring, many of us will want to lose those extra pounds we gained over the holidays. But losing weight is soooo hard! Sensible diet/exercise programs are painful and unpleasant. Non-sensible, batshit crazy diets may seem like a good alternative, but they tend not to work and also sometimes kill you. Finally, there's bulimia. It gets the job done, but habitual vomiting isn't for everyone.

So how are you going to lose those extra pounds?

THE JOEY HEADSET DIET

This diet is simple and effective. Here's how it works:

Go out and buy yourself a packet of Pop Rocks - the fun candy that makes NOISES in your MOUTH. I bet you didn't know that a packet of Pop Rocks is only 34 calories. You ingest more calories than that every time you pass within 50 yards of Burger King! Go ahead and eat the Pop Rocks - be sure to consume the whole packet in one sitting. In fact, it's best if you can pour the contents into your mouth all at once. It will be like there is a party in your mouth and only people who make popping and crackling noises are invited!

That's all there is to it. Eat one packet of Pop Rocks a day and those pounds will just melt away. "But Joey, what if I get hungry after I eat this noisy candy product?" Don't worry, hypothetical question asking person! After eating an entire packet of Pop Rocks, you will find that you are not very hungry anymore. In fact, you will probably want to lie down in the fetal position for the rest of the afternoon (while your stomach wonders what the fuck it did to deserve such a barrage of lactose derived depth charges).

Remember, people: if Dr. Phil can sell a book of diet advice, then damn anyone is qualified to tell people how to lose weight.

Posted by Joey at March 8, 2006 04:47 AM

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