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March 13, 2006

Stupid Teenage Games of the World

I'm all about games. I'm a gamer. Racing games, sports games, first person shooters - I'm all over it. But sometimes, I wish we could go back to a simpler time. A time when games weren't all about frame-rates and massively multiplayer persistent online universes. A time when we gamers would entertain ourselves the old fashioned way: by doing stupid, reckless and life-threatening shit with our friends! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I feel that the best games are the ones that kill a few dozen people every year. But these days, it seems like kids don't want to throw away their lives just because they're bored, or because they want to look cool. They are content with their DVDs and PSPs and all the free internet porn they can download.

However, I'm happy to say that the young people of the world haven't forgotten the old ways. So long as hormones rage through adolescent blood, teenagers will continue to do idiotic, dangerous things. And I'll be here to make fun of them. So join me, won't you, as I review Stupid Teenage Games of the World.

Happy Slapping

Let's kick things off in Great Britain, where youngsters have invented a fun little game that combines modern technology with random acts of unprovoked violence. They call it "Happy Slapping", and astonishingly, it has nothing to do with masturbation! Rather, it is a game where one player slaps or punches some random stranger on the street, while another records the incident on their camera-phone. Once recorded, the footage is digitized and circulated on the internet. Sounds like a big steaming load of fun! However, this game is best left to Europeans. If you try slapping random people in America, you are likely to get shot. We carry guns over here.

The Choking Game

Speaking of America, I'm proud to say that my own country has invented a crazy little diversion called The Choking Game. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, you're probably wondering: Am I going to have to choke a bitch?

Yes you are! That is, if you want to play this game, you will have to choke someone - possibly yourself. The rules of the game are quite simple: find someone and strangle them until they nearly pass out. Try to stop before they actually die or suffer permanent brain damage. Although, most of the people who play this game already suffer from some form of brain damage, so this is not a huge concern.

If you do it right, the chokee experiences a euphoric sensation comparable to that which one would experience after snorting a few lines of non-dairy creamer. If you do it wrong, you'll probably end up on an episode of Dateline NBC. Either way, the Choking Game is fun for the entire family.



Supposedly, Japanese kids like to jab their fingers into the anal cavities of unsuspecting acquaintances. The sad thing is, this is the most harmless of the three.


Interactive digital media may be the future of entertainment - but never underestimate the ability of young people to torment and degrade each other for their own personal amusement.

Posted by Joey at March 13, 2006 04:10 AM

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In high school the jocks would put candy wrappers secretly on each other's shoulder and ask "are you hungry?" When the jock who had been made a fool realized what happened it usually brought the house down.

Posted by: nofrontin at March 22, 2006 12:58 PM

Interesting. That's a pretty weak game, though - don't you think? I except more from jocks. Where's the violence? Where's the humiliation? Jocks that can't think up anything more emotionally scarring than putting candy wrappers on each other's shoulders probably aren't going to bring home a lot of state championships.

Posted by: joey at March 22, 2006 01:32 PM

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