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March 05, 2006

OSCARS LIVEBLOGGING (everybody's doing it!)

10:15pm

The Academy Awards coverage actually started at 7pm, but I decided to skip the first 3 hours. Fuck it, I'm not sitting through 4+ hours of this bullshit.

So, did I miss anything important? Probably not. OK... let the liveblogging begin! Right now, Robert Altman is going on and on about some crap. He's old and his thoughts are of no consequence to me.

10:20pm

Three 6 Mafia are now performing the song they wrote for Hustle and Flow: "Hard to be a Pimp". They are rapping about "witches jumping ship"? Did Hustle and Flow involve Wiccan prostitutes? That wouldn't make much sense. Those girls who are into that whole goth/witchcraft thing, don't they usually put out for free? I know that I wouldn't pay some nasty wiccan girl for sex. I guess that's why the pimp in question was having such a hard time. If you stick to pimping BITCHES (not the WITCHES referred to in this musical performance) then I think you will find that pimpin' is surprisingly easy.

10:31pm

Time for the annual Oscars obituary reel! Nothing perks up a celebratory evening like showing a bunch of clips of dead people. As always, they will show images of a recently departed individual and then the audience will applaud based on how much they liked the person who is now dead. How nice it must be for the family of a deceased hollywood type to hear a total lack of applause when their loved one's clip gets played. If the producers of the event were smart, they would play canned applause throughout this segment so that no one gets embarrassed. But that wouldn't be any fun, would it?

10:38pm

Time for the Best Foreign Film Award. This is the part of the show where we transition from films most people haven't seen to movies which nobody has seen. And the winner is Tsotsi! (that is a word in some language, allegedly). And the winner is giving mad props to his cast, giving shout-outs in some African language and pimping his website all in the course of about 30 seconds. Very efficient, well accepted!

10:44pm

Hilary Swank scares me. She introduces the "Actor in a Leading Role" nominees. I haven't seen any of these movies, though I may have reviewed some of them. Philip Seymour Hoffman wins it! Please, please, please deliver the acceptance speech in the Truman Capote voice!!! Dammit, no such luck. PSH talks about watching the Final Four basketball championship with his mom. The sports part might serve to deflect the next round of gay rumors... the part about watching it with his mom will surely render that deflection ineffectual.

11:04

I was getting bored, so I actually changed the channel and watched something else for about 20 minutes. Now that I think about it, this is probably a violation of Liveblogging Protocol. Sorry. I'm back watching it now.

11:07

Dustin Hoffman introduces the Best Screenplay/Adaptation nominees. He looks sorta pissed about something. And the writers of Brokeback Mountain win it! Whoa - Larry McMurtry thanks the owners of BOOKSTORES. Nothing wrong with that. Now Uma Thurman presents the Original Screenplay award to the people who wrote Crash. She's tall. I didn't see this movie. I already saw another movie called Crash - it was about people who get sexually arosed by car accidents. After that, I figured any other movie by that name would seem pretty dull in comparison.

11:20

Ang Lee wins the Best Directing Award for Brokeback Mountain! He jovially quips "I wish I knew how to quit you". It is a lame joke that has been totally played out in a million Brokeback spoofs... but I guess if you are the guy who made the film, you've earned the right to use it. And now Jack Nicholson is doing his best Jack Nicholson impersonation, presenting the Best Film Award to - *drumroll* - White Liberal Guilt! Er, I mean Crash. It's over now. I'm changing the channel. Thank you and good night.

Posted by Joey at March 5, 2006 10:37 PM

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Comments

Totally agree with you on Crash, but I can't agree anywhere else without being called a racist.

Posted by: Eddie at March 6, 2006 12:45 PM

Remember, calling people a racist on weblogs is the new american pastime. It's like baseball, but without all those delicious human growth hormones injected into your ass.

Posted by: joey at March 6, 2006 11:22 PM

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