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March 18, 2006

Music Review: Bright Eyes

When the Bright Eyes released a critically acclaimed double album in 2005, I didn't bother listening to it. As usual, I was content to make fun of Bright Eyes (and everyone who listens to them) without any direct experience of their music. Really, it's easier that way.

But a strange thing happened today when I went to the gym. Normally, when I'm working out, I listen to a ClearChannel top 40 pop station. Though the music is bad and the DJs are lame, the badness and lameness are constant. It never gets any better, but at least it never gets any worse. Also, turning on the pop station usually prevents the other assholes at the gym from changing it to the local Christian Contemporary station. This, in turn, prevents me from having to FUCKING KILL THEM.

However, on this fateful day, the radio tuner on the weight room boombox seemed to be broken! I could only get one station on it, and they were playing some Soft Sounds of the 70's shit that I had no intention of listening to. So, my only alternatives were silence (which I hate) or listening to a CD. I didn't bring any CDs with me, but there was one disc that someone had left next to the CD player. Yes... it was the aforementioned Bright Eyes double album, "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning/Digital Ash in a Digital Urn". Though silence was a tempting option, I figured I'd pop in the Bright Eyes disc (if for no other reason than to annoy other weight room patrons).

I expected to HATE this album. But when I actually took the time to listen to it, I was totally surprised: The music of Bright Eyes is every bit as dull and pretentious as I assumed it was!

Seriously, where did you think I was going with this?

Bright Eyes sucks. First of all, it is not a band - it's one creepy guy named Connor. Which is a girl's name.


The first disc, "It's Morning, I'm a Douche" is bad poetry sung over tedious acoustic guitar strumming. The second disc, "Digital Ass From a Digital Douche" is more bad poetry, sung over synthesizers. Usually, synthesizers make music better, but in this case they didn't help.

As bad as this album was, I learned something important by listening to it. From now on, when I have a preconceived notion about a certain kind of music or film - or even an entire race of other people - I need not confirm my prejudices through first-hand experience. It's a waste of time. All of my opinions about everything are right, all the time, even when I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.

Bright Eyes gets no Joeys. But my own infallible opinions get eight Joeys. Eight smug, self-satisfied Joeys. (They look exactly like the regular ones.)

Posted by Joey at March 18, 2006 12:19 AM

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You're a fucking moron. Connor is not remotely a girl's name. I don't know the band that you're kvetching about like a little whore, but I'm betting you're just as much an assclown as the idiot in the pic.

Posted by: some random stumbler at September 25, 2006 10:24 PM

I'll take that action.

Posted by: joey at September 25, 2006 11:13 PM

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