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March 09, 2006

Movie Review: Ultraviolet

Ultraviolet?

mr_ult_vio.jpg

More like... ultra-VIOLENT. HAHAHAHA! Get it?

SHUT UP YOUR JOKES ARE STUPID TOO.

Ultraviolet stars Milla Jovovich as a genetically engineered badass supersolder from the future. An interesting casting choice, but also a risky one. Sure, we all know Jovovich can play a genetically engineered badass angelic evil-fighter from the future, as she did in Luc Besson's The Fifth Element. And she obviously knows how to play a genetically engineered badass zombie fighter from the future, as she did in Resident Evil 2. But Milla playing a genetically engineered badass supersolder (from the future)? I don't know... that's a bit of a stretch.

As for the plot, it's the oldest story in the world: Boy creates (supersoldier) Girl, Boy loses control of Girl, Boy tries to exterminate Girl, Boy gets brutally murdered by Girl. And they all live happily ever-after! Except for the Boy, who is dead.

After all this time, you'd think movie villians would have learned that supersoldiers never work out as a means of world domination. If history serves as a guide, one really doesn't NEED supersoldiers to take over the world. Since the dawn of time, conquerors have conducted successful military campaigns using nothing but regular (non-genetically altered) human warriors. And sorcerery. If anything, supersoldiers tend to bring would-be conquerors down. Napoleon's decision to use cybernetically enhanced troops at the Battle of Waterloo seemed like a good idea at the time, but it didn't turn out so well. And Hitler was doing just fine until he injected his Sturmtruppen with a mixture of meth-amphetamine and albino yak DNA. Simply put, supersoldiers are a BAD IDEA.

Yet... for movie-goers, they are a pretty good idea - particularly when they carry swords and wear skin-tight, midriff-exposing fatigues. In this regard, Ultraviolet does not disappoint. Therefore I am happy to award this film one Joey... one genetically altered SUPERJOEY with a ninja sword!

supersoljoey.jpg

Posted by Joey at March 9, 2006 04:31 AM

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