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March 30, 2006

Easy Target: Josh Hartnett

Josh Hartnett's career isn't just hot... it's HOT HOT HOT!!! This heartthrob has hosted Saturday Night Live, starred alongside Harrison Ford in Hollywood Homicide, and you'll soon see him lighting up cinemas in the titular role of Lucky Number Slevin. Though critics have described Hartnett's on-screen performances as "stiff" and "wooden", they would certainly sing a different tune if they knew how the young actor got into The Biz.

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Josh started his career as a plank of one-inch thick mahogany, cut from the dense forests of Honduras. Even then, industry experts knew he was something special: he was selected as one of Timber Harvesting magazine's "Hot Young Commercial Timber Planks to Watch in '96"! Just as the young slab of wood was about to start his career as part of a lovely dining room table, his career took a dramatically unexpected turn!

On a warm September night in 1997, famous acting coach Spence Davis broke into a lumber yard, attempting to stash the body of a male prostitute who had ODed while servicing him in a nearby parking lot. After dumping the corpse in a pile of sawdust, Spence boasted to his assistant/accomplice that he could turn anyone into an actor. "Fuck, I could make a star out of an inanimate object!", said the coked-up acting teacher. At that very moment, Spence met Josh for the first time, literally tripping over him as he fled the lumber yard. Thus begin a fruitful partnership that would last until 2001, when an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap ended Davis's career. And life.

Although Spence's attempts at teaching Hartnett to act were unsuccessful (spectacularly unsuccessful), Davis did manage to teach the young man to have sex with casting directors and studio executives. Just ask any ER doctor in the greater Los Angeles area - splinters of Hartnett have been pulled out of some of Hollywood's highest profile rectums.

So, while it might be true that Josh Hartnett can't act any better than a stack of firewood... what the fuck do you expect from an actual piece of lumber?

Posted by Joey at March 30, 2006 01:41 AM

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Comments

Fun fact: This was the very first piece I wrote for this website. I decided to keep it in the vault until some Hartnett movie was about to hit theaters. The piece may not be very good, but it had the distinct advantage of being ALREADY WRITTEN. Enjoy!

Posted by: joey at March 30, 2006 02:08 AM

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