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March 31, 2006

I *AM* the man now. Dog.

For a while now, I've been an admirer of You the Man Now Dog. Back in the day, it took time and effort to create something really annoying on the internet. Thanks to the fine folks at YTMND, anyone can unleash a stunningly irritating web meme on the web browsing public... and it only takes a few minutes.

Tonight, I created my very own YTMND site: http://goldenpuke.ytmnd.com/. I would tell you to "enjoy!"... but that would be rather like telling you to enjoy getting punched in the crotch. However, if you DO enjoy getting punched in the crotch, you may also like the site linked above.

Posted by Joey at 02:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 30, 2006

Easy Target: Josh Hartnett

Josh Hartnett's career isn't just hot... it's HOT HOT HOT!!! This heartthrob has hosted Saturday Night Live, starred alongside Harrison Ford in Hollywood Homicide, and you'll soon see him lighting up cinemas in the titular role of Lucky Number Slevin. Though critics have described Hartnett's on-screen performances as "stiff" and "wooden", they would certainly sing a different tune if they knew how the young actor got into The Biz.

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Josh started his career as a plank of one-inch thick mahogany, cut from the dense forests of Honduras. Even then, industry experts knew he was something special: he was selected as one of Timber Harvesting magazine's "Hot Young Commercial Timber Planks to Watch in '96"! Just as the young slab of wood was about to start his career as part of a lovely dining room table, his career took a dramatically unexpected turn!

On a warm September night in 1997, famous acting coach Spence Davis broke into a lumber yard, attempting to stash the body of a male prostitute who had ODed while servicing him in a nearby parking lot. After dumping the corpse in a pile of sawdust, Spence boasted to his assistant/accomplice that he could turn anyone into an actor. "Fuck, I could make a star out of an inanimate object!", said the coked-up acting teacher. At that very moment, Spence met Josh for the first time, literally tripping over him as he fled the lumber yard. Thus begin a fruitful partnership that would last until 2001, when an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap ended Davis's career. And life.

Although Spence's attempts at teaching Hartnett to act were unsuccessful (spectacularly unsuccessful), Davis did manage to teach the young man to have sex with casting directors and studio executives. Just ask any ER doctor in the greater Los Angeles area - splinters of Hartnett have been pulled out of some of Hollywood's highest profile rectums.

So, while it might be true that Josh Hartnett can't act any better than a stack of firewood... what the fuck do you expect from an actual piece of lumber?

Posted by Joey at 01:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 28, 2006

Snakes, Planes, and the Quest for an R rating.

By now, you've probably heard about "Snakes on a Plane", the Samuel L. Jackson action/horror film coming out this summer. If you haven't heard about it and want to know more, just re-read the movie's title. There's a plane, there are snakes - and it doesn't take a crapload of imagination to figure out what happens next.

Right now, the internet is going BATSHIT CRAZY over this film. This may be first time any film has achieved "cult classic" status six months before anyone actually saw it. However, all the blog hype is well-justified. The movie's trailer suggests that "Snakes on a Plane" could be among the worst films ever made - and really bad films can be extremely entertaining! But there's a fine line between a movie that's hilariously awful and a movie that's merely a steaming pile of shit. Just ask Meg Ryan; she's been on the wrong side of that line her whole career.

Perhaps in an effort to push this movie over the top, New Line Cinema sent the cast and crew of Snakes on a Plane out for five days of additional shooting. This is not unusual - directors often shoot new material in response to feedback from test screenings, artistic considerations or threats from Scientology's lawyers. However, the specifics of the Snakes on a Plane reshoot are extraordinary. The studio wanted them to shoot new scenes for the sole purpose of changing the film's rating from PG13 to R.

This is unheard of. It is ALWAYS the other way around; the studios will reshoot scenes to bring an R rated film down to PG13. PG13 is easier to market, teenagers can see them without a guardian - an R rating can have a huge effect on a films bottom-line profitability. But in this case, I think New Line made the right choice. Personally, I would never see a movie called "Snakes on a Plane"... not if it had a PG13 rating.

You see, I am an adult. And as an adult, I only watch R rated movies. Just as children should only watch movies that are rated for children, I feel that adults should only watch movies that are rated for adults. If a movie doesn't contain foul language, violence, nudity and "adult situations", I don't believe it's appropriate for me to view it. The MPAA rates these movies for a reason, people.

By ensuring that Snakes on a Plane will receive an R rating, New Line Cinema has cleared the way for viewers like me to check it out when it hits theaters in August. Although, chances are I'll just download a bootleg copy off of Bittorrent. It's not like I'm going to PAY to see Snakes on a fucking Plane.

Posted by Joey at 04:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 24, 2006

Porn 2.0

Everyone's talking about Web 2.0. Nobody actually knows what it is, but everyone is still talking about it. That means it's IMPORTANT - and I care about things that are important.

The whole Web 2.0 concept centers around a new wave of internet applications that are pretty much like the old ones, except better somehow. I've been closely following the Web 2.0 phenomenon, and read dozens of articles on how it will affect the future of communication, education, business and social networking. Yet - despite all this talk - net pundits have neglected to consider the one aspect of Web 2.0 that really matters to most internet users: How it will affect pornography.

Since nobody else is talking about it, I've put together a projection of how Web 2.0 will transform the net-porn experience for ourselves and for our future generations of porn-addicted, sexually dysfunctional children. I'll start the projection from our current technological circumstance: Web 1.0:

Web 1.0, Early Internet: The User launches Web Browser and seeks out pornography via Search Engines. Images load slowly, links frequently broken. Online porn experience often unsatisfactory, but the low price-point and lack of required human interaction is a marked improvement over pre-web porn.

Web 2.0, Advanced Internet: Pr0nBlogs, pRSS Feeds and Porn Aggregators streamline the porn acquisition process. The User no longer searches for porn. Rather, the blogs, feeds and portals have already done all the searching for him. The User merely subscribes to the feeds that feature his own preferred variety of perversion.

Web 3.0, Automated Porn Downloads: Direct human agency is finally eliminated from porn selection/acquisition. Rather than subscribing to Porn Feeds, The User downloads software that analyzes their existing porn library and automatically searches/downloads the porn that is best suited to The User's interests. His dirty, filthy interests.

Web 4.0, Smartporn: Automated Pornseeking software is replaced by Automated Porn Synthesis software. As before, the software analyzes The User's porn library. However, rather than searching the net for existing porn, APS software generates new pornography based on the sexual predilections of The User. California's San Fernando Valley suffers a crushing wave of unemployment as Smartporn renders the entire Adult Film Industry obsolete.

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Web 5.0, Realtime Adaptive Smartporn: Advanced Neural Networking Algorithms and User Biofeedback eventually lead to a fully adaptive version of Smartporn. It knows what you want, when you want it. Pornography now modulates itself in reaction to the physiological responses of The User. The line between Porn and User becomes dangerously fuzzy.

Web 6.0, Porn Attains Sentience: The symbiosis between Porn and User eventually results in a fully conscious, self-aware Porn Singularity (probably initiated by some random power surge). Even shameless pervs find this development worrisome.

Web 7.0, ??????: Unclear what happens next. Perhaps in the future (as in Soviet Russia), Porn downloads YOU.

Posted by Joey at 01:25 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 23, 2006

TV Reviews: Unan1mous, The Evidence, South Park

I'm calling my lawyer.

Last year, I sent a brilliant Reality TV idea to the FOX Network, hoping to break into the television biz. Don't get me wrong: making snide comments about television is very rewarding. However, the people who produce television get rewarded with actual MONEY, which is more rewarding. A lot more. Anyway, I sent FOX a concept for a surefire hit called "Assholes in a Room, Arguing with Each Other". Those bastards never sent me a reply; I assumed that they didn't even read my submission.

I was wrong. Not only did FOX read it, they TOTALLY RIPPED IT OFF. All they did was change the name to Unan1mous, and make one small adjustment to the plot. In their version of the show, random fuckwits are "locked" into a "bunker" where they yell at each other until they all vote for one contestant to win a big pile of money. My version of the show was exactly the same, except they all vote for one contestant who gets nothing. Nothing except the freedom to leave. Everyone else gets beaten to death by a gang of unemployed TV writers.

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The ABC Network is working their way through the Master List of Cop Show Cliches at a furious rate. After the failure of Blind Justice - a hilariously un-ironic drama about a visually impaired police officer - they have regrouped and brought us The Evidence. Starring Orlando Jones (who you may remember from his amusing 7UP ads) and Rob Estes (who you may have seen dozens of times, and still won't remember), The Evidence is a cop show with a TWIST. The twist is that they show you physical evidence of the crime du jour at the beginning of the episode, before you see the heros investigate that crime. Yes, mark your calendars, folks: on March 22, 2006, the American Broadcasting Company invented a plot device called FORESHADOWING. While you're at it, mark March 23, 2006 as the day Joey Headset invented sarcasm.

Once you get past this ingenious twist, The Evidence is an amalgamation of every played out cop show trope you've ever seen. Detective troubled by the unsolved murder of his wife? Check. Jittery camera work? Check. Cops chasing bad guy down fire escape, followed by cop jumping from overpass into moving garbage truck? Check and check. If I wasn't absolutely certain I was watching a series premiere, I would have assumed I was watching a repeat. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET A NEW FUCKING IDEA???

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I don't like saying nice things about South Park. I've found their recent attempts at political satire to be preachy and heavy-handed. Honestly, if I wanted to watch cartoonish right wing propaganda, I'd watch FOX News. However, Wednesday's season premiere was absolutely brilliant.

If you didn't already know, last week saw the heavily publicized departure of Isaac Hayes (voice of "Chef") from the program. He left because he was offended by an episode that aired in November, satirizing Scientology (his "religion"). This was quickly followed by fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise bullying Comedy Central into never showing the offending episode again. Rather than backing down, the South Park team churned out a brilliant meta-satire of Hayes's departure - stitching together audio from old episodes to have Chef speaking just long enough to get killed off in a grotesque and humiliating manner. The episode was petty and spiteful. Just the way I like it.

Posted by Joey at 04:18 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 22, 2006

New Banner!

Just created a new banner for the site. (It's the thing at the top of the page that says "DOWN for a JACK MOVE"). This one has more of the BOLD, IN YOUR FACE attitude you've come to expect from joeyheadset.com. The beige and seafoam green of yesteryear have made way for an impactful blue and gold theme that really grows the brand.

Hope you like it or whatever.

Posted by Joey at 02:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 21, 2006

Movie Review: Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector

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Everybody responsible for making this movie should be lined up and shot.

Except for the film's Production Assistant, Tighe Arnold. For him, a savage beating will suffice.

Posted by Joey at 02:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 20, 2006

Get Your Grape On: A Joey Headset Guide to Wine

If you are anything like me, you get invited to a lot of parties; parties where you don't really know the hosts or feel like talking to any of the guests. At social occasions such as these, I've found that the best strategy is to drink until the people around you seem tolerable. Or at least until you get thrown out. Your results may very.

Personally, I prefer not to drink anything that I can't find at my local convenience store. I don't like surprises. However, at the parties I attend, people usually bring wine. Nothing wrong with that, per se... I'll drink wine if someone else is paying for it. The trouble is, when people bring wine to parties, they also like to talk about the wine. Even worse, they expect YOU to talk about it too! "I love the notes of apricot and tobacco in this California Chardonnay - WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

If you've ever found yourself in this awkward situation, you need some wine schoolin' and you need it pronto. Sit back, relax and let my knowledge wash over you like an Australian Shiraz enema. That's a kind of wine (see, you're already learning)!

Wine is produced when old, bearded men pour grape juice into barrels and combine it with grain alcohol. The alcohol kills off deadly bacteria strains that live inside grapes. Raw grapes, like most forms of fruit/vegetable, are indigestible by humans unless mixed with alcohol, sweetened with high fructose corn syrup or smothered in ranch dressing. For this reason, the safest wine to drink is the Wine Cooler - which contains both alcohol and corn syrup. Interesting historical note: Wine was invented by the ancient Greeks because having sex with young boys made them very thirsty. The fruity beverage not only quenched their thirst, but also made the young boys a little more "receptive" to their advances.

Unlike Gatorade or Kool-Aid, which comes in dozens of delicious flavors, wines all taste exactly the same. They all taste like wine. Though wine doesn't come in "flavors", it does come in many colors. White and red are the most common, but yellow, green and orange wines are not uncommon.

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So, you might be wondering: "If all wines taste the same, how can I tell the good ones from the ones that suck crap?" This is easily accomplished. You can determine the quality of any wine by inspecting the bottle. On the wine's label, look for a one or two digit number followed by the letters "ABV" (this stands for Alcohol By Volume). The higher the number, the better the wine. It's that simple! You will find that the finest wines are classified as Fortified Wines. When I bring a bottle of wine to a fancy dinner party, I never bring anything weaker than 18% ABV. Thunderbird, MD 20/20, Cisco, Night Train - these are all excellent "vintages" that can be appreciated by both connoisseurs and train-yard derelicts.

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Now you know virtually all there is to know about wine! Feel free to talk loudly about it at parties; use lots of big words and try to make other people feel stupid. Because the stupider other people feel, the smarter you seem.

Posted by Joey at 01:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 18, 2006

Music Review: Bright Eyes

When the Bright Eyes released a critically acclaimed double album in 2005, I didn't bother listening to it. As usual, I was content to make fun of Bright Eyes (and everyone who listens to them) without any direct experience of their music. Really, it's easier that way.

But a strange thing happened today when I went to the gym. Normally, when I'm working out, I listen to a ClearChannel top 40 pop station. Though the music is bad and the DJs are lame, the badness and lameness are constant. It never gets any better, but at least it never gets any worse. Also, turning on the pop station usually prevents the other assholes at the gym from changing it to the local Christian Contemporary station. This, in turn, prevents me from having to FUCKING KILL THEM.

However, on this fateful day, the radio tuner on the weight room boombox seemed to be broken! I could only get one station on it, and they were playing some Soft Sounds of the 70's shit that I had no intention of listening to. So, my only alternatives were silence (which I hate) or listening to a CD. I didn't bring any CDs with me, but there was one disc that someone had left next to the CD player. Yes... it was the aforementioned Bright Eyes double album, "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning/Digital Ash in a Digital Urn". Though silence was a tempting option, I figured I'd pop in the Bright Eyes disc (if for no other reason than to annoy other weight room patrons).

I expected to HATE this album. But when I actually took the time to listen to it, I was totally surprised: The music of Bright Eyes is every bit as dull and pretentious as I assumed it was!

Seriously, where did you think I was going with this?

Bright Eyes sucks. First of all, it is not a band - it's one creepy guy named Connor. Which is a girl's name.

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The first disc, "It's Morning, I'm a Douche" is bad poetry sung over tedious acoustic guitar strumming. The second disc, "Digital Ass From a Digital Douche" is more bad poetry, sung over synthesizers. Usually, synthesizers make music better, but in this case they didn't help.

As bad as this album was, I learned something important by listening to it. From now on, when I have a preconceived notion about a certain kind of music or film - or even an entire race of other people - I need not confirm my prejudices through first-hand experience. It's a waste of time. All of my opinions about everything are right, all the time, even when I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.

Bright Eyes gets no Joeys. But my own infallible opinions get eight Joeys. Eight smug, self-satisfied Joeys. (They look exactly like the regular ones.)


Posted by Joey at 12:19 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 15, 2006

Check out my Brackets

For most of the year, the word "brackets" merely refer to those buttons to the right of the P key on any standard qwerty keyboard. In March, however, sports fans get all BRACKET CRAZY during the NCAA men's basketball tournament. This is that special time of year when people live and die based on the performance of teams like Bradley and Belmont and Murray St. (where the fuck is Murray St.?). Since a lot of people have been asking how I filled out my brackets (SHUT UP PEOPLE REALLY DID ASK ME) I've gone ahead and posted them.

CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT MY HOT BRACKET ACTION!

Posted by Joey at 05:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 14, 2006

RIP Peter Tamarkin

Peter Tamarkin, host of the classic game show Press Your Luck, died Monday in a tragic plane accident.

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Posted by Joey at 04:39 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

March 13, 2006

Stupid Teenage Games of the World

I'm all about games. I'm a gamer. Racing games, sports games, first person shooters - I'm all over it. But sometimes, I wish we could go back to a simpler time. A time when games weren't all about frame-rates and massively multiplayer persistent online universes. A time when we gamers would entertain ourselves the old fashioned way: by doing stupid, reckless and life-threatening shit with our friends! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I feel that the best games are the ones that kill a few dozen people every year. But these days, it seems like kids don't want to throw away their lives just because they're bored, or because they want to look cool. They are content with their DVDs and PSPs and all the free internet porn they can download.

However, I'm happy to say that the young people of the world haven't forgotten the old ways. So long as hormones rage through adolescent blood, teenagers will continue to do idiotic, dangerous things. And I'll be here to make fun of them. So join me, won't you, as I review Stupid Teenage Games of the World.

Happy Slapping

Let's kick things off in Great Britain, where youngsters have invented a fun little game that combines modern technology with random acts of unprovoked violence. They call it "Happy Slapping", and astonishingly, it has nothing to do with masturbation! Rather, it is a game where one player slaps or punches some random stranger on the street, while another records the incident on their camera-phone. Once recorded, the footage is digitized and circulated on the internet. Sounds like a big steaming load of fun! However, this game is best left to Europeans. If you try slapping random people in America, you are likely to get shot. We carry guns over here.

The Choking Game

Speaking of America, I'm proud to say that my own country has invented a crazy little diversion called The Choking Game. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, you're probably wondering: Am I going to have to choke a bitch?

Yes you are! That is, if you want to play this game, you will have to choke someone - possibly yourself. The rules of the game are quite simple: find someone and strangle them until they nearly pass out. Try to stop before they actually die or suffer permanent brain damage. Although, most of the people who play this game already suffer from some form of brain damage, so this is not a huge concern.

If you do it right, the chokee experiences a euphoric sensation comparable to that which one would experience after snorting a few lines of non-dairy creamer. If you do it wrong, you'll probably end up on an episode of Dateline NBC. Either way, the Choking Game is fun for the entire family.

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Kancho

Supposedly, Japanese kids like to jab their fingers into the anal cavities of unsuspecting acquaintances. The sad thing is, this is the most harmless of the three.

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Interactive digital media may be the future of entertainment - but never underestimate the ability of young people to torment and degrade each other for their own personal amusement.

Posted by Joey at 04:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 10, 2006

Random Crap Roundup

Local TV news is only good at two things: Covering local weather and presenting stories about awful things happening to people who live near you. If there's a Winter Storm Watch in effect, or if your neighbor just shot your other neighbor in the face - local news is there for you! But what happens when these two core elements of local news combine (like Voltron)? What happens when one story incorporates both local weather and horrific tragedies inflicted upon people in your area? As it turns out, what you end up with is a story about a local man overdosing on heroin, then losing his job.

Oh, did I mention... that local man just happens to be the weather guy at my local NBC affiliate!!! Local news just can't any better than this. You can even watch a video of this drug abusing weatherman being interviewed by his former co-workers. Oooh... the humiliation! Adding extra pizzazz to an already zesty story, one week after the overdose, another weatherman at the same TV station admitted that he was ALSO addicted to heroin.

TV News is fun.

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If you can't get enough of American Idol, you're a complete fucking idiot. Fortunately for you, the FOX Reality Channel is all about servicing the needs of complete fucking idiots. FOX Reality's new program, "American Idol Extra" will incorporate special backstage footage, as well as...

I'm sorry, just trying to finish that sentence bored me to the point where I wanted to die.

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Also in the news: web site operator Joey Headset has failed in his attempt to find something genuinely interesting to write about on a Thursday night. When asked for comment, Headset stated: "Yeah... I'm just drawing a blank here. I got nothin. I even resorted to browsing the Yahoo! News entertainment headlines - still couldn't find anything." When asked how he could struggle doing his daily update while other "Bloggers" update several times a day, Headset was quoted as saying: "FUCK YOU. I'm trying to write full length comedy pieces! Everyone else just links to each other's stupid posts. The Blog-O-Sphere is one ginormous circle jerk, and I'm the one dude stuck in the middle, jerking all by myself! Uh... crap. You know, I'm not really happy with the way that came out - can you just forget I said anything? Please don't quote me on that."

Posted by Joey at 03:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 09, 2006

Movie Review: Ultraviolet

Ultraviolet?

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More like... ultra-VIOLENT. HAHAHAHA! Get it?

SHUT UP YOUR JOKES ARE STUPID TOO.

Ultraviolet stars Milla Jovovich as a genetically engineered badass supersolder from the future. An interesting casting choice, but also a risky one. Sure, we all know Jovovich can play a genetically engineered badass angelic evil-fighter from the future, as she did in Luc Besson's The Fifth Element. And she obviously knows how to play a genetically engineered badass zombie fighter from the future, as she did in Resident Evil 2. But Milla playing a genetically engineered badass supersolder (from the future)? I don't know... that's a bit of a stretch.

As for the plot, it's the oldest story in the world: Boy creates (supersoldier) Girl, Boy loses control of Girl, Boy tries to exterminate Girl, Boy gets brutally murdered by Girl. And they all live happily ever-after! Except for the Boy, who is dead.

After all this time, you'd think movie villians would have learned that supersoldiers never work out as a means of world domination. If history serves as a guide, one really doesn't NEED supersoldiers to take over the world. Since the dawn of time, conquerors have conducted successful military campaigns using nothing but regular (non-genetically altered) human warriors. And sorcerery. If anything, supersoldiers tend to bring would-be conquerors down. Napoleon's decision to use cybernetically enhanced troops at the Battle of Waterloo seemed like a good idea at the time, but it didn't turn out so well. And Hitler was doing just fine until he injected his Sturmtruppen with a mixture of meth-amphetamine and albino yak DNA. Simply put, supersoldiers are a BAD IDEA.

Yet... for movie-goers, they are a pretty good idea - particularly when they carry swords and wear skin-tight, midriff-exposing fatigues. In this regard, Ultraviolet does not disappoint. Therefore I am happy to award this film one Joey... one genetically altered SUPERJOEY with a ninja sword!

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Posted by Joey at 04:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 08, 2006

The Joey Headset Diet

If you are anything like me, you want to look good in a swimsuit. I would never actually wear a swimsuit, because I never go swimming (I'm afraid of the water; and of buoyancy). But if I did go swimming, I'd want to look good doing it. Who wouldn't?

As we transition from Winter into Spring, many of us will want to lose those extra pounds we gained over the holidays. But losing weight is soooo hard! Sensible diet/exercise programs are painful and unpleasant. Non-sensible, batshit crazy diets may seem like a good alternative, but they tend not to work and also sometimes kill you. Finally, there's bulimia. It gets the job done, but habitual vomiting isn't for everyone.

So how are you going to lose those extra pounds?

THE JOEY HEADSET DIET

This diet is simple and effective. Here's how it works:

Go out and buy yourself a packet of Pop Rocks - the fun candy that makes NOISES in your MOUTH. I bet you didn't know that a packet of Pop Rocks is only 34 calories. You ingest more calories than that every time you pass within 50 yards of Burger King! Go ahead and eat the Pop Rocks - be sure to consume the whole packet in one sitting. In fact, it's best if you can pour the contents into your mouth all at once. It will be like there is a party in your mouth and only people who make popping and crackling noises are invited!

That's all there is to it. Eat one packet of Pop Rocks a day and those pounds will just melt away. "But Joey, what if I get hungry after I eat this noisy candy product?" Don't worry, hypothetical question asking person! After eating an entire packet of Pop Rocks, you will find that you are not very hungry anymore. In fact, you will probably want to lie down in the fetal position for the rest of the afternoon (while your stomach wonders what the fuck it did to deserve such a barrage of lactose derived depth charges).

Remember, people: if Dr. Phil can sell a book of diet advice, then damn anyone is qualified to tell people how to lose weight.

Posted by Joey at 04:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 05, 2006

OSCARS LIVEBLOGGING (everybody's doing it!)

10:15pm

The Academy Awards coverage actually started at 7pm, but I decided to skip the first 3 hours. Fuck it, I'm not sitting through 4+ hours of this bullshit.

So, did I miss anything important? Probably not. OK... let the liveblogging begin! Right now, Robert Altman is going on and on about some crap. He's old and his thoughts are of no consequence to me.

10:20pm

Three 6 Mafia are now performing the song they wrote for Hustle and Flow: "Hard to be a Pimp". They are rapping about "witches jumping ship"? Did Hustle and Flow involve Wiccan prostitutes? That wouldn't make much sense. Those girls who are into that whole goth/witchcraft thing, don't they usually put out for free? I know that I wouldn't pay some nasty wiccan girl for sex. I guess that's why the pimp in question was having such a hard time. If you stick to pimping BITCHES (not the WITCHES referred to in this musical performance) then I think you will find that pimpin' is surprisingly easy.

10:31pm

Time for the annual Oscars obituary reel! Nothing perks up a celebratory evening like showing a bunch of clips of dead people. As always, they will show images of a recently departed individual and then the audience will applaud based on how much they liked the person who is now dead. How nice it must be for the family of a deceased hollywood type to hear a total lack of applause when their loved one's clip gets played. If the producers of the event were smart, they would play canned applause throughout this segment so that no one gets embarrassed. But that wouldn't be any fun, would it?

10:38pm

Time for the Best Foreign Film Award. This is the part of the show where we transition from films most people haven't seen to movies which nobody has seen. And the winner is Tsotsi! (that is a word in some language, allegedly). And the winner is giving mad props to his cast, giving shout-outs in some African language and pimping his website all in the course of about 30 seconds. Very efficient, well accepted!

10:44pm

Hilary Swank scares me. She introduces the "Actor in a Leading Role" nominees. I haven't seen any of these movies, though I may have reviewed some of them. Philip Seymour Hoffman wins it! Please, please, please deliver the acceptance speech in the Truman Capote voice!!! Dammit, no such luck. PSH talks about watching the Final Four basketball championship with his mom. The sports part might serve to deflect the next round of gay rumors... the part about watching it with his mom will surely render that deflection ineffectual.

11:04

I was getting bored, so I actually changed the channel and watched something else for about 20 minutes. Now that I think about it, this is probably a violation of Liveblogging Protocol. Sorry. I'm back watching it now.

11:07

Dustin Hoffman introduces the Best Screenplay/Adaptation nominees. He looks sorta pissed about something. And the writers of Brokeback Mountain win it! Whoa - Larry McMurtry thanks the owners of BOOKSTORES. Nothing wrong with that. Now Uma Thurman presents the Original Screenplay award to the people who wrote Crash. She's tall. I didn't see this movie. I already saw another movie called Crash - it was about people who get sexually arosed by car accidents. After that, I figured any other movie by that name would seem pretty dull in comparison.

11:20

Ang Lee wins the Best Directing Award for Brokeback Mountain! He jovially quips "I wish I knew how to quit you". It is a lame joke that has been totally played out in a million Brokeback spoofs... but I guess if you are the guy who made the film, you've earned the right to use it. And now Jack Nicholson is doing his best Jack Nicholson impersonation, presenting the Best Film Award to - *drumroll* - White Liberal Guilt! Er, I mean Crash. It's over now. I'm changing the channel. Thank you and good night.

Posted by Joey at 10:37 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 02, 2006

Game Review: Sudoku

Six months ago, if you had asked me what "Sudoku" was, I would have guessed that it's something you might order at a sushi restaurant; or perhaps some form of ritualized suicide. Maybe it refers to a series of comic books in which saucer eyed schoolgirls get brutally raped by demonic tentacle creatures. (Did I miss any crass Japanese stereotypes there? No... I think that pretty much covers it.)

Anyway, Sudoku has come a long way in the last few months. It's EVERYWHERE now! You can't open a newspaper or even walk through the Wal-Mart checkout line without seeing a Sudoku puzzle. In case you are still unaware, Sudoku is a puzzle game in which players must fill numerals into a 9x9 grid according to certain esoteric rules. And what could be more fun than filling numbers into a grid? Wait... I think I know the answer to that question:

QUITE LITERALLY ANYTHING.

Let me ax you something: What part of NUMBER or GRID sounds like fun to you? When I think of an activity involving numbers and grids, this is what comes to mind:

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Here's some math that any Sudoku player should appreciate: Numbers + Grids = Spreadsheets = Accounting = NOT FUN.

Really, if I was the sort of person who likes to "relax" with math puzzles, I would have elected to grow up in a country where children actually learn math. And that country sure as hell isn't America. In reality, we American gamers are very easy to please. Give us a simulated army of space nazis and some virtual machine guns to slaughter them with - and we're happy!

Honestly, if I wanted intellectual stimulation I'd go watch television. I give the game of Sudoku zero Joeys.

(this is where the Joeys would be if I had awarded this game any Joeys - which I didn't)

Posted by Joey at 02:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 01, 2006

Television Review: Black.White

No one is equipped to explore the subtleties of race relations in America better than rapper Ice Cube. Cube has been using his lyrical skillz to address hot-button racial issues for over fifteen years. With classic tracks like "Enemy" ("I kill more crackaz than Bosnia, Herzegovina") and "Black Korea" (in which he threatens to burn down Korean owned businesses), Ice Cube has shown a special sensitivity to issues of race. So it comes as no surprise that he is the Executive Producer behind the FX network's new reality show, "Black.White".

Here's the concept: Through the magic of hollywood special-effects makeup, a black family and white family "switch races". And live in a house together. Because that's what people do on reality TV.

By switching races, do the two families gain a new perspective on how race influences social status? No. Not really.

However, we - the viewers - will learn something from this show. Specifically, we will discover that white people make for ugly ass black people, and black people look totally RETARDED as white people. Don't believe me? Check it out:

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Attractive white woman... not so attractive black woman.

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Good looking black guy, transformed into one of the goofiest looking white dudes you'll ever see.

Maybe this is the reason why the show is doomed to fail. When these race-swapping families notice that society treats them differently, they will assume it's because of their newly adopted race. In reality, the only reason people will act differently toward them is because THEY LOOK REALLY FREAKING WEIRD.

Even so, the show should be good for a few cheap laughs. I give it five fake afro-american Joeys.

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Posted by Joey at 04:17 AM | Comments (2)