« Down for a Jack Move | Main | Happy fucking Valentines Day »

February 14, 2006

Stop with the Cheney Jokes

Leave it to the Blog-O-Sphere to kick a man while he's down.

HA HA HA, Dick Cheney shot some old guy in the face. What a big freaking joke. What an opportunity for bloggers to tee-off on an easy target. It's amateur comedy night on the internet and everyone's stepping up to the mic to take a few cheap shots at the Vice President.

It's really easy to poke fun at someone after he shoots a 78 year old man, but let me tell you something: that shit can happen to ANYONE. As a hunting enthusiast, I have shot over two dozen people in the face... and in at least half of those cases, it was a complete accident. Like most Americans my age, I grew up playing video games: Marathon, DOOM, Quake. If those games taught me nothing else, they taught me that you should shoot - quite literally - everything that moves, all the time. Sometimes you should even shoot things that don't move, like explosive barrels and ancient urns (which frequently contain extra ammunition). Those who refuse to pull the trigger until they can "identify the thing they are shooting at" are total n00bs who get PWNED. Dick Cheney may be many things, but he's no n00b.

Furthermore, the incident wasn't even Cheney's fault. Mr. H. Whittington, the man whose face absorbed all that Vice Presidential buckshot, violated a basic tenet of hunting protocol: don't ever come up on a brother from behind when he's getting his shoot on. An experienced hunter such as Cheney always looks in the direction he is pointing his gun. For this reason, the safest place to be when a hunter raises his weapon, is directly in front of him - because that's where the hunter is already looking. The most dangerous place you can stand is behind the hunter: the one place he's NOT pointing the gun. That's where people get shot.

The way I see it, the Vice President was simply exercising his 2nd Amendment rights. Specifically, the right to shoot someone accidentally. Think about it: those bastards in congress have already made it illegal for us to shoot someone on purpose. If we let them outlaw accidental shootings, then you might as well just throw the 2nd amendment out the window. What's the point of having the Right to Bear Arms IF YOU'RE NEVER ALLOWED TO SHOOT ANYBODY?

By shooting a 78 year old man in the face, Dick Cheney wasn't simply standing up for his rights... he was standing up for the rights of every American. And I, for one, respect him for it.

Posted by Joey at February 14, 2006 04:30 AM


I'm too not awake to be as witty as I wish to be, having been inspired to wit, by yours. Instead, allow me to offer the much less mind power intensive sincerity: "Thank you for writing 'word for word' the comment I was gearing up to write whilst reading the comments on the hot topic stereo gum post. That shit has been driving me up a wall."

All the best,

Posted by: ian saylor at February 14, 2006 11:56 AM

Thanks! I feel it's time that we all embrace the concept of selling out. Because if everyone sells out... then NO ONE sells out.

Posted by: joey at February 14, 2006 03:24 PM