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February 28, 2006

Let's Get Tanked

I like molecules.

Some of my favorite stuff contains molecules; stuff like pudding and machetes. Plus, there are so many molecules to choose from! Oxygen is nice for breathing, Potassium Nitrate helps bullets kill people better and Sodium Laureth Sulfate makes my shampoo all LATHERY.

But if I had to choose just one molecule, it would be this one:

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Used in perfumes, disinfectants, and solvents, Ethanol is a very popular molecule... and it's about to become even popularer! The General Motors Corporation (or "GM" as it's known in the hood) recently launched a bold new ethenol-based initiative: "Live Green, Go Yellow". "Green", in this case, refers to fresh air, clean water and that girl at the health food store who wears so much patchouli that it very nearly masks the fact she hasn't bathed since the mid-90s. The "Yellow" refers to corn, which can be processed into "E85" ethanol and used as a renewable fuel source in any vehicle equipped with GM's new Flexfuel engine. The whole idea is to ween America off of foreign oil... and I guess that's not such a bad thing. Hell, even President George W. Bush has admitted that America is addicted to oil. And he ought to know; our president knows oil addiction the same way a drug dealer can spot a crack whore at fifty paces.

Personally, I don't care about "living green" or "going yellow". What I care about is getting FUCKED UP as quickly and inexpensively as possible. You see, ethanol is the "active ingredient" in all of my favorite adult beverages! Olde English, MD 20/20, Nyquil - they all contain this wonderful molecule. Before E85 ethanol was available as a vehicular fuel option, I had to actually walk inside a gas station's minimart if I wanted to purchase alcohol products for personal refreshment. Now, I can get my liq-fix right at the pump! Squirt a few gallons into my car, spray a few shots into my liver. Repeat as necessary! Never has hard liquor been this convenient... or this affordable. Three dollars a gallon might be expensive for gasoline, but it's a bargain if you compare it to even the cheapest offerings at your local liquor store.

Only one problem. The "85" in E85 stands for 85% - the actual ethanol content of the fuel. The other 15% percent is good old fashioned petroleum... which is supposedly toxic to human beings. You just KNEW the liquor companies would find SOME way to fuck this up for us. But I figure that if you run this E85 shit through a Brita water filter a few times, it will be OK to drink. Probably.

Of course, the oil companies won't much care for this E85 business. Any money we spend on Ethanol is money we're NOT spending on their overpriced fossil juice. Count on them to start saturating the media with anti-ethanol propaganda.

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Posted by Joey at February 28, 2006 04:05 PM

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