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February 20, 2006

Fun (Olympic!) Facts: Curling

When I turn on MSNBC, I expect to see people in suits yelling at each other. It's called "news" and it's very popular amongst those who actually care what happens to people like you. However, if these news-lovers had tuned into MSNBC this week, they would have seen something totally different: people in uniforms yelling at a rock.

What is this crazy spectacle? It's called "curling", and its the most fun you can have on ice! Well, it's the most fun you can have on ice with brooms and, you know... rocks and shit.

Curling, invented in the 10th century, is commonly referred to as "The Sport of Kings". Specifically, ancient Arctic kings, such as Garbak the Frigid, who forced his slaves to play the sport totally nude (historians agree that Garbak was a total asshole). Though most contemporary Curling enthusiasts prefer to remain clothed, the rules haven't changed much over the centuries. The game is played by two teams of four on a 146 foot long strip of ice. The teams take turns throwing polished 44 pound stones toward a group of concentric rings located at either end of the playing surface. Novice spectators might assume that these rings serve as a target; a bulls-eye that awards points to teams that cast their stones closest to the center. Nothing could be further from the truth.

In reality, the rings serve not as a target, but as a visual aid that helps players place their stones in a mystical pattern - a pentagram, specifically. In curling, each team attempts to position their stones in the shape of a pentagram while disrupting the similar efforts of their opponents. When a team successfully forms a stone pentagram within the concentric circles, they will begin to utter an ancient chant. This, in turn, summons a demon that merrily devours the souls of the losing side.

Obviously, this explains why Canadians dominate the sport. Everyone knows that Canadians don't have souls.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at February 20, 2006 03:44 AM

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