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February 23, 2006

Crumbelievable

Is nothing sacred?

Let me take you back to the summer of 1991. A young Joey Headset was grinding his way through high school. I was socially inept, angry at the world, riddled with teenage angst (before teenage angst was cool). Bored and lonely, I fell into patterns of reckless and self-destructive behavior; I almost joined the Drama Club. Fortunately, it never came to that. I found my salvation in the form of a three and a half minute pop song.

Late one Sunday night, watching MTV's alternative video show 120 Minutes, I saw it for the first time: EMF's seminal anthem, "Unbelievable". The lyrics, the music - they spoke to my very soul. When EMF vocalist James Atkin sang:

"The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say
You're unbelievable"

...I looked deep inside myself, and I realized: I truly AM unbelievable. My purple prose really DOES just give me away. Seeing that video was the watershed moment of my adolescence. The next day, I went out and bought EMF's album, "Schubert Dip"... I listened to it every day before I went to school, and then again as soon as I got off the bus. Sometimes I put my CD player on repeat so I could listen to "Unbelievable" as I fell asleep and then it would be the first thing I heard when I woke up. That song was what got me through high school. That song, and binge drinking.

So you can imagine the sense of betrayal and disillusionment I felt when I saw this advertisement during NBC's olympic coverage:

Crumbelievable? Crumb-FUCKING-believable?

Nice one, Kraft. Way to take the single most important cultural landmark of the 1990's and turn it into a god-damned cheese jingle. "That Big Cheese Taste That Blows You Away" - everytime I hear that line, a tiny piece of me dies. But, hey, at least this cornerstone of my youth has been sold out for a good product: a bag of crumbled cheese. Because Americans have grown so fat and lazy THEY CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO CRUMBLE THEIR OWN CHEESE ANYMORE. "Gee, I love cheese, but why does it have to come in these unwieldy bricks? Why can't someone take the cheese I love, but pre-crumble it so that I can POUR CHEESE DIRECTLY FROM THE BAG INTO MY STUPID FACE!"

You know what, Kraft Corporation: FUCK YOU. Fuck your ad campaign, fuck your cheese products, and fuck all your subsidiary brands: Jell-O, Gevalia, Golden Crisp, Grape-Nuts, Great Grains, Vegemite, Velveeta. Oh, and BTW... fuck Kraft's majority owner, the Altria Group (previously known as Philip Morris Tobacco). I guess if those bastards can't kill us with their cigarettes, they'll just pump cheese down our throats until we're bleeding Velveeta out our eyes.

Crumbelievable my ass.

Posted by Joey at February 23, 2006 04:21 PM

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Comments

Joey, you're one funny guy. But when you say "fuck Jell-o", I have to protest. Jell-o is just so freaking great, I can't bear to see it dismissed so flippantly. But you're angry, so I'll let it go this time.

Posted by: David at February 24, 2006 08:48 PM

I will concede that Jell-o was a victim of convenient alliteration in this RANT.

Posted by: joey at February 26, 2006 01:40 PM

Last night I saw this for the first time. My husband and I just stared at each other in disbelief and then burst into hysterical laughter. WTF?!

Posted by: Cheeky Prof at February 26, 2006 10:38 PM

"That Big Cheese Taste That Blows You Away" xD

Posted by: Rich at August 2, 2006 11:29 AM

Agreed. Worst commercial ever. But - remember. EMF actually agreed to be linked to this piece of shit. They sold their cultural landmark of the 90s to hawk cheese. So fuck them too.

Posted by: ihatecheese at August 11, 2006 02:40 PM

This is a good point, ihatecheese... but you've got to figure that the surviving members of EMF are pretty hard up for cash these days. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they sold the rights to the song in exchange for a case of Kraft's crumbled cheese products. Life ain't easy for a one hit wonder.

Posted by: joey at August 11, 2006 04:54 PM

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