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February 04, 2006

Celebrities Need Love Too

Samantha Fox, the acclaimed 1980's pop singer, once insisted that "Naughty Girls Need Love Too." In my experience, Samantha was absolutely right... if by "love" she meant "access to my credit card and an endless supply of crystal meth". Celebrities, on the other hand - they need real love. Just like us regular folk, they crave companionship and affection, someone to yell at when they get snubbed at the oscars and someone to clean the blood off their Porsche after they "accidentally" run over a hobo.

However, celebs do have one advantage over us regular folk. While we have to go to bars and throw back adult beverages until we see someone who looks marginally appealing, celebrities can find love through a more traditional path: reality television.

Celeb-reality shows are HOT right now. Between the celebrity dancing, celebrity ice skating, celebrity weight loss and celebrity colonoscopies... it's hard to turn on the TV without seeing some washed-up has-been flexing his lower intestine for all the world to see. But the newest permutation of this genre is perhaps the most intriguing: celebrity dating shows. If you haven't seen one already, you are really missing out! Gen X icon Lisa Loeb is looking for a nice jewish boy on the E! network, while Flavor Flav trolls for crazy skank bitches on VH1. Even Paula Abdul is getting in on the fun... with a little help from Dr. Phil.

Though all these shows are reasonably entertaining (especially if you're retarded), I can't help but think that the wrong celebrities were selected for these programs. Lisa Loeb doesn't really need help finding a man... she wears cute glasses and allegedly looks good in a thong. Flavor Flav obviously could have his choice of crazy skank bitches... and Paula Abdul can bang any sweet young American Idol contestant she chooses. Assuming Simon doesn't get to him first.

Meanwhile, the celebrities that really need help finding love have been left to fend for themselves. If I were producing celeb-reality shows for VH1 or E! (and if I was able to resist the urge to disembowel myself with a rusty can opener) here are a few celebrity dating shows I would develop:

Winning Courtney's Love

Rock singer/Single mom (widowed), looking for a man with whom to share her life. And her needles. Every episode begins with Courtney enjoying a romantic dinner with a potential soul-mate. Every episode ends back in rehab.

Juiced for Love!

OJ Simpson searches the golf courses and nightclubs of America for romance... and for "the real killer". A rotating cast of model/actressess try to win OJ's affection - but it's no easy task. Those who fail to make a connection with the Juiceman are kicked off the show... and stabbed to death. Those who succeed get to spend a romantic weekend with OJ at a 5 star resort. Where they are stabbed to death.

I Love Colin Farrell's Penis (and Friends)

Do you enjoy sexual intercourse? Colin Farrell and his omnipresent genitalia will change all that. Not a dating show so much as a weekly series of celebrity sex videos, I Love Colin Farrell's Penis really puts the "Ugh" back in "Ooh La La"!

Posted by Joey at February 4, 2006 03:05 AM

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