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January 01, 2006

RANT: Sufjan Stevens

I'll admit it, I'm addicted to music blogs. Every day, I visit a crapload of music blogs, trying to find some interesting new tunes to keep me entertained while I spew invective on the internet. As most of you already know, this is the time of year when music bloggers debut their "Best Of 2005" and "Year end lists". It's a blog-o-sphere tradition, dating back to... I don't know, 2004? Anyway, if you look at most of the indie-blog year end lists, you're likely to find one artist DOMINATING the #1 spot. That artist is Sufjan Stevens, who put out "2005's best record", Illinois.

sfjn.jpg

I'm not one to jump on every bandwagon that comes along... but I figured that if all these music bloggers adored this album, it was probably worth a listen. So I downloaded it from my favorite P2P file sharing network (Joey Headset don't pay no money for music!) and loaded it into my mp3 player. After listening to the first three tracks of Sufjan's album, I was suspicious. By the seventh track, I knew something was amiss. By the final track, I half expected Ashton Kutcher to suddenly jump out of my headphones. Clearly, I had been "Punk'd".

Music bloggers of the blog-o-sphere, could you please answer this question: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO GREAT ABOUT THIS SUFJAN STEVENS RECORD? Seriously, did you all get together at some bar and decide that it would be funny to see how many people you could sucker into buying this stupid piece of crap? I don't know why you people listen to music, but I listen to music because I actually enjoy music. As far as I can tell, the songs on Illinois are specially formulated for people who only listen to albums so they can tell other people they listened to said albums. In other words, the music of Sufjan Stevens is MUSIC FOR PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES. And the sad thing is... I am a pretentious asshole, and even I can't sit through this shit!

There were plenty of great records that came out last year. Welsh rockers, Bosco Chocolate Factory revolutionized the genre of postpunk powerpop with their album "Partae Aen Mae Paents" while Mister Nlister's "I've Shotted Myself and I Can't Get On Up" was a seminal work of retro-neo-alt-cockrock. With such great releases in 2005, what possessed so many influential music writers to place Sufjan Stevens on the top of the musical heap?

Wait, I know the answer to this one:

THEY ARE ALL STUPID BITCHES WHO HATE MUSIC!!!

Posted by Joey at January 1, 2006 03:55 AM

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