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January 30, 2006

Brokeback Mountain Sequel?

It's official: American women love them some gay cowboys!

Brokeback Mountain is filling movie theaters across the country, particularly in conservative rural and suburban markets - and the audiences are overwhelmingly female. What is it about this film that so appeals to them? It's hard to say. Personally, I think that the movie touches upon a common fantasy of heterosexual women - that their boyfriends and husbands could find some means of expressing their latent homosexuality that doesn't involve smacking them around, secretly browsing gay porn or watching Bill O'Reilly on television.

Now that Hollywood sees that a thought-provoking, controversial art film can actually make money, will they put more money behind thought-proviking films and filmmakers? Fuck no! Instead, they will try to squeeze every last drop of blood out of the gay cowboy concept. Step one: rush to produce a sequel to Brokeback Mountain. A friend of mine who works for a major film studio has forwarded me a number of scripts that are being considered for production. A few of the stronger ones include:

Brokeback Mountain 2: On the Down Low

Question: What could be better than gay cowboys? Answer: Gay BLACK Cowboys! Directed by Spike Lee and featuring Wesley Snipes and DMX in the starring roles, BM2: On the Down Low is certain to match - maybe even surpass - the popularity of the original film. Either that, or it will go straight to DVD and effectively end the careers of Wesley Snipes and DMX. Really, it could go either way.

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Brokeback Mountain 2: The Legend of Curly's Wang

Billy Crystal and what's left of Jack Palance join Jake Gyylnhaaall and Heath Ledger in this zany sequel to Brokeback Mountain. During one of their sodomy-tastic trips up the mountain, the boys discover a treasure map! Following the clues left on this cryptic document, Heath and Jake run into a neurotic New Yorker (Crystal) and some really old guy (Palance). Will they discover the secret of Curly's Wang... or will they just have lots of hot gay sex? Either way, viewers are sure to be highly entertained. And aroused (if you're into that sort of thing).

BM II: You Got Served, Cowboy

Question: What could be better than gay cowboys? Answer: Gay DANCING Cowboys! Rival crews (er, posses) of gay cowboy line dancers compete to see who has the dopest, gayest moves in rural Wyoming. The cast would likely include former members of various defunct boybands. They work cheap.

No matter which of these gets selected for production, I will sleep better at night knowing that bored, middle-class women will soon get another fix of gay cowboy cinema. Anything that might help ween them off of insipid Meg Ryan movies can't possibly be a bad thing.

Posted by Joey at January 30, 2006 02:59 AM

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