January 31, 2006
Super Bowl Shrinkage
The Super Bowl is coming, and I can't wait! Though it's only Tuesday, I've already started drinking and gorging myself on horrible, greasy food in preparation for the big game. I actually do that on most Tuesday nights, but at least this time I have an excuse.
Anyway... to the casual observer, it probably seems like the Super Bowl gets bigger and bigger every year: more hype, more media coverage, more irresponsible drinking, more spending the fourth quarter vomiting all over your neighbor's car. Or maybe that's just me. The point is this: though it may seem like the Super Bowl is a bigger event every year, my research indicates that the big game is actually getting smaller.
In case you didn't know, Sunday will mark the 40th NFL championship game, and in roman numerals, the number 40 is represented by the letters XL - the same letters that denote the size "extra large" on t-shirts. Thus, this coming championship game will officially be the Extra Large Super Bowl. Now, some of you are probably thinking... "Wow that's awesome. Next stop, Super Bowl XXL... the Extra, Extra Large Super Bowl!" Well, that's a nice thought, but it ain't going to happen. XXL is a perfectly valid t-shirt size, but it is not a valid roman numeral. In fact, the next time a Super Bowl's numeral will correspond to a shirt size will be exactly one decade from now: Super Bowl L. That's right: the 50th Super Bowl will merely be Large - therefore, the game will actually shrink by one size over the next ten years. This is why major sporting events should always be hand-washed in cold water, and line-dried.
After that, there is good news and bad news for the NFL. The bad news is that their "big game" will continue to shrink for the foreseeable future. The good news is that it will shrink at a much slower rate. After size L, the next smallest shirt size is M - size Medium. In roman numerals, the letter M indicates the number 1,000. Thus, Super Bowl M will not occur until the year 2966! By then, the game of football will probably be played by giant robots or zombies... possibly Norwegians.
January 30, 2006
Brokeback Mountain Sequel?
It's official: American women love them some gay cowboys!
Brokeback Mountain is filling movie theaters across the country, particularly in conservative rural and suburban markets - and the audiences are overwhelmingly female. What is it about this film that so appeals to them? It's hard to say. Personally, I think that the movie touches upon a common fantasy of heterosexual women - that their boyfriends and husbands could find some means of expressing their latent homosexuality that doesn't involve smacking them around, secretly browsing gay porn or watching Bill O'Reilly on television.
Now that Hollywood sees that a thought-provoking, controversial art film can actually make money, will they put more money behind thought-proviking films and filmmakers? Fuck no! Instead, they will try to squeeze every last drop of blood out of the gay cowboy concept. Step one: rush to produce a sequel to Brokeback Mountain. A friend of mine who works for a major film studio has forwarded me a number of scripts that are being considered for production. A few of the stronger ones include:
Brokeback Mountain 2: On the Down Low
Question: What could be better than gay cowboys? Answer: Gay BLACK Cowboys! Directed by Spike Lee and featuring Wesley Snipes and DMX in the starring roles, BM2: On the Down Low is certain to match - maybe even surpass - the popularity of the original film. Either that, or it will go straight to DVD and effectively end the careers of Wesley Snipes and DMX. Really, it could go either way.
Brokeback Mountain 2: The Legend of Curly's Wang
Billy Crystal and what's left of Jack Palance join Jake Gyylnhaaall and Heath Ledger in this zany sequel to Brokeback Mountain. During one of their sodomy-tastic trips up the mountain, the boys discover a treasure map! Following the clues left on this cryptic document, Heath and Jake run into a neurotic New Yorker (Crystal) and some really old guy (Palance). Will they discover the secret of Curly's Wang... or will they just have lots of hot gay sex? Either way, viewers are sure to be highly entertained. And aroused (if you're into that sort of thing).
BM II: You Got Served, Cowboy
Question: What could be better than gay cowboys? Answer: Gay DANCING Cowboys! Rival crews (er, posses) of gay cowboy line dancers compete to see who has the dopest, gayest moves in rural Wyoming. The cast would likely include former members of various defunct boybands. They work cheap.
No matter which of these gets selected for production, I will sleep better at night knowing that bored, middle-class women will soon get another fix of gay cowboy cinema. Anything that might help ween them off of insipid Meg Ryan movies can't possibly be a bad thing.
January 26, 2006
Technorati wants PROOF
Proof of my identrifrication. With any luck, this post will disappear very shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy my brand new Technorati Profile.
UPN + WB = WC
Have you heard of a TV show called "Cuts"? No? What about "Half and Half"? Maybe you've seen "One on One" or "All of Us"? Any of this sound familiar to you?
Didn't think so.
It turns out, these are all shows on a TV network called UPN. Before you get all excited about this "new" network, I should let you know that A) it's apparently been around for years and B) it's ain't gonna be around for much longer. Come September, the UPN network will merge with The WB to form a new broadcast entity: The CW. This network will feature all of the most popular programming from the WB and UPN. Some shows, such as Supernatural and Veronica Mars, will remain unchanged. However, some of the two networks' less desirable programming will be merged, the best elements of each program combined into one super-program. Here are a few of the new WC programs I'm looking forward to viewing next fall:
What I Like About Smackdown
Amanda Bynes joins a rotating cast of WWE Superstars in a comedy about a sassy teenage girl trying to make it as a pro wrestler. Can Amanda find time for romance in between Flying Elbows and Double Suplexes? Tune in this fall to find out!
Everybody Hates Reba
Reba McEntire plays a single mom with a hilariously sarcastic african-american son. Personalities conflict, cultures clash, and racial stereotypes are proven surprisingly accurate in this half-hour comedy.
If this show fails to attract an audience, The CW has developed another show, "Everybody Hates Fran Drescher" as a possible mid-season replacement.
America's Next Top Superhero
Smallville meets America's Next Top Model as teenage superheros compete for a lucrative crime fighting contract. Judges will include Captain America, Twiggy, and Radioactive Tyra Banks.
Them Gilmore Bitches
It's an urban Gilmore Girls! A 34 year old mom and her 19 year old daughter learn about life and love... together. The new program will replace the original show's all-white cast with a diverse rainbow of mostly black people (and one token latina). Expect less hip banter between mother and daughter, more smacks upside the head.
Personally, I can't wait for The WC. Because, as I always like to say: "Anything's better than reading books."
January 25, 2006
Movie Review: Big Mamma's House 2
Now this is a quality motion picture!
I could write at least 10,000 words on the unmitigated AWESOMENESS of Big Mamma's House 2, starring Martin Lawrence. But I won't. Instead, I will allow my professional film critic colleagues to tell the story for me. Seldom have critics been so united in their praise... just read these quotes:
"If you see only one sequel to Big Mamma's House this winter, see Big Mamma's House 2!"
Brittany Duplieux, Bucktown Gazette
"So funny, I peed my pants!"
Stuart Moony, Incontinence Support Society Newsletter
"Whereas Raja Gosnell's original film was a keen existentialist romp, John Whitesell's sequel is a sophisticated exploration of race and sexuality in 21st Century America."
Federico Torroni, Pretentious Jackass Monthly
"A solid effort... could have used more fat jokes."
Carla Stevens, Fat Joke Aficionado
"I like tha part were he got dress up like a big fat ladie!!!"
Billy Stoker, Clark County Middle School Bulletin
"Funnier than anything I've done."
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
"Two stumps up!"
Jerry Blondel, Amputee's Weekly
"You've got to be fucking kidding me."
Joey Headset, some stupid ass website.
January 22, 2006
Late Nite with Osama B
Osama's back. Again.
Seems like every few months, our friends at Aljazeera receive another grainy video tape from the aging al-Quada leader. He pops on screen, makes a few vague threats, gives a few shout-outs to his supporters... then ducks back into whatever cave he's been hiding in. Back in the day, this was good enough to buy Osama a few news-cycles... but these days pundits see the videos as desperate cries for attention from an increasingly irrelevant figurehead.
If I was working for Osama, I would tell him that he needs to go in a new direction with these videos: less menacing, more topical... fewer threats, more jokes. I would tell him this, then I would probably get stoned to death. Nevertheless... just in case Mr. bin Laden is watching, here's my concept, presented in the popular web-comic format.
January 19, 2006
Fun Facts: Of Proof and Pudding
Everyone has heard the expression "The Proof is in the Pudding". Most people will tell you that this expression is a shortened, nonsensical version of "The Proof of the Pudding is in the Tasting". Though this is a common misconception, these two idioms are actually unrelated. "The Proof of the Pudding is in the Tasting" dates back to around 1600, and it simply means that one cannot know how good something is until they have had an opportunity to test or experience it for themselves.
However, "The Proof is in the Pudding" is actually a reference to a little known quirk of the French legal system in the early 19th century. At that time, the French courts demanded that all evidence be presented to the judge within a large cauldron of pudding. Historians disagree on the origin of this tradition. Some argue that it dates back to the middle ages, when witnesses were required to place their genitalia in a jelly of congealed goat blood during testimony. The purpose of this was to ensure the honesty of the witness (people in the middle ages were totally fucking CRAZY). Other historians believe that 19th century French judges just happened to be a bunch of fat, custard-gulping bastards.
Now you know. And Knowing is Half the Battle.
January 18, 2006
Fed up with working long hours for low pay, the International Brotherhood of Corporate Product Mascots (Local 492) has gone on strike. While the union tries to negotiate a new contract, the mascots themselves have taken to the streets, rebelling against the products they used to shill.
January 17, 2006
Let's watch Tennis!!!
I'm a big fan of tennis.
SHUT UP THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
Anyway, I've been enjoying ESPN's coverage of the Australian Open. It's a great tournament, and I particularly like what the Aussies have done to make the event more TV-friendly. In the past, there have been issues with tennis broadcasts - viewers complained that the ball was too difficult to spot on the court. Fortunately, the Australians decided to go with a light green court. Green is the best color for increasing the visibility of a tennis ball. Well, maybe it's the second best color. The best color would probably be QUITE LITERALLY ANY COLOR OTHER THAN GREEN.
Here's the problem: Tennis balls are green. Trying to keep track of a tiny green object as it gets blasted around a green playing surface... not so easy. Compare this to ice hockey, where a tiny black object gets blasted around a white playing surface. Black on white - that's contrast baby! You still can't see the puck half the time, but at least you have a fighting chance. If the Australians can't spring for a few cans of paint to change their tennis courts to some reasonable color, the least they could do is spring for some nice pink tennis balls.
Using pink balls would not only make the matches easier to watch, but it would raise money for breast cancer research. Everyone wins (except Venus Williams, who lost in the first round).
January 16, 2006
Worst Hiphop Song of the Year?
Every January, I look forward to checking out hiphopsite.com's year-ending Best and Worst list. I always find a few quality singles that I had missed during the year... plus it's always entertaining when HHS's editors list the "The Top Five Bitch Moves of the Year".
However, I must object to HHS's selection for the Worst Song of the Year: D4L's hit single, Laffy Taffy.
I'm not saying Laffy Taffy is great song. I'm not even saying it's a good song. The track's lyrics, which feature seemingly endless repetitions of the line "Gurl shake dat laffy taffy, dat laffy taffy", are not particularly strong. However, to be fair, popular music has really worked its way through every GOOD euphemism for ass-shaking. Honestly, every time someone comes up with a new way of telling people to shake their ass, I take my hat off to them - no matter how vulgar or stupid it is. Because without vulgarity and stupidity, everything would sound like another Sarah McLachlan record. Trust me, nobody wants that.
Try it yourself: I DARE you to come up with an original hook for a hiphop club anthem. Not so easy to come up with yet another metaphor for gyrating ass-flesh, is it?
Because this track introduced a truly original new term for jiggling booty, Laffy Taffy deserves better than to be labeled Worst Song of the Year. In truth, Laffy Taffy is the Second Worst Song of the Year. Black Eyed Peas deserves the #1 spot with their infuriating "My Humps" - a song which includes the absolute WORST line in the history of rap music:
"I met a girl down at the disco
she said hey hey hey yeah let's go"
With lines like that, is it any wonder that the group has been upstaged by their own backup singer?
January 12, 2006
Joey Headset, Gay Porn Entrepreneur
As the owner and operator of a handful of websites, I'm always on the lookout for new internet domain names that I might acquire. Of course, a lot of the really good ones are already taken... but with a little imagination, you can always find a quality internet domain that hasn't already been jacked by some asshole cybersquatter.
So, earlier this evening, I was drinking some beer and started wondering: If I wanted to start a gay porn web site, what's the best domain name I could find? After searching around awhile, I was fairly astonished to find that a bunch of very promising names were still available! For instance:
So I started thinking to myself, "Joey, YOU should start a gay porn site!" Rest assured, if I ever did start a gay porn site, it would be the BEST gay porn web site ever. My gay porn site would be so good, it would TURN HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE GAY. And it would turn gay people EVEN GAYER. Even so, I just don't think it would be a very enjoyable project for me to work on. If I started a gay porn web site, looking at gay porn would become WORK for me. I wouldn't want that... it's a quality of life issue.
But if I'm not cut out to start a gay porn website, how about a Gay Friendly hetero porn site? Think about it: regular porn features fairly ugly dudes having sex with beautiful women. My Gay Friendly porn site would feature very pretty guys having sex with girls who look like bulimic fashion models, girls who look like Cher and girls who look like Vin Diesel.
Finally, a porn site that straight guys can enjoy with their gay friends. If you want to get in on the ground floor of this exciting business venture, please contact me and I will tell you where to send the money.
January 10, 2006
Marcus, Marcus, Marcus
Ah... the tribulations and (soon to be literal) trials of former Virginia Tech QB Marcus Vick. Between the underage girls, the drug possession, the driving with a suspended license and the ugly Gator Bowl knee-stomping incident, Marcus has been a very bad boy. Though "bad boys" are generally admired on WB dramas, it turns out that college football programs don't look at them quite the same way - the Hokies kicked Vick off the team last Friday.
No worries though, Marcus quickly declared his intention to turn pro. In order to prove he was serious about a career in professional football, Marcus decided to also get serious about enhancing his criminal record: On Monday, he was charged with three counts of Brandishing a Firearm.
I've got mixed feelings about this move. On one hand, incorporating guns into his criminal behavior is a step in the right direction. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor and marijuana possession are impressive... for a college athlete. However, we all know that college players must "step up their game" if they intend to make it in the pros. While I approve of the basic theme of "weapon brandishing in public", I'm not so pleased with his choice of venue. NFL superstars are known to wave guns around in hot nightclubs, and at lavish celebrity parties... Marcus pulled a gun on a 17 year old kid. And his mom. In a McDonald's parking lot. That's just weak.
According to witnesses, the incident was initiated when Vick and his special lady friend were walking out of the McDonald's and someone directed a disrespectful comment toward the young woman. Marcus, being a gentleman took offense to this, and defended his lady's honor... by pointing a gun at some kid's mom. As they say, it's the thought that counts. However, if Marcus had simply resolved to spend a little (of his brother's) money and take the girl somewhere NICE, perhaps this whole situation could have been avoided. As a general rule, the nicer the restaurant, the less chance that someone is going to say something inappropriate to your date after the meal. I'm not saying he needs to go superfancy and take the girl to the Olive Garden or whatever... but if the kid had simply sprung for Quiznos, he probably would have been fine.
I'm just sayin...
January 05, 2006
2006 Preview: Television
Hot off the heals of our 2006 Fashion Preview, it's high time that we examined...
Television in 2006
You may have seen promos for the new Jenna Elfman comedy on CBS, "Courting Alex". As the former Dharma and Greg star bares her midriff in a variety of revealing outfits, viewers quickly learn two things about Ms. Elfman's post-Dharma career:
1. She's been doing a lot of sit ups.
2. She's still not funny.
What you probably don't know about Jenna's new show is that it's part of a new trend that will be huge in 2006. You see, "Courting Alex" is actually the American version of a British comedy called "According to Bex". Of course, this is nothing new. American TV has been borrowing ideas from the Brits for a while now, most notably with NBC's The Office and (much less successfully) Coupling. It's not surprising that American networks would want to create new shows based on successful British programs. But... According to Bex wasn't a successful program for the BBC. When the program aired on the BBC 1, it was beaten in the ratings by another network showing 100 year old archival footage. Clearly, American TV executives have finally exhausted the world's supply of good ideas for television programs. Starting in 2006, they will start ripping off all the bad ideas. Bad news for you, great news for me. You see, over the years, I've come up with literally thousands of terrible ideas for television programs. Every week I would grab a crayon and scrawl a few dozen of them on an old copy of the Weekly World News and send them to prominent TV executives. Now that bad ideas are in demand, I'll finally be able to see some of my own visions come to life on prime time TV. I can't wait!
Also on CBS, Tom Cavanagh stars in the new series "Love Monkey", based on the popular novel of the same name. If you loved Cavanagh when he starred in NBC's "Ed", then... God, what the fuck is wrong with you? To be fair, the Canadian born actor seems to be much less annoying in this new series... but even 25% of really fucking annoying is still pretty fucking annoying. Do the math.
In the series, Cavanagh plays "a 30-something up and coming single record executive who's navigating the tumultuous and highly amusing waters of work and dating in NYC" Not just amusing, folks - highly amusing. If you're wondering why the show is called Love Monkey, the pilot episode incorporates a lot of simian metaphors; the protagonist "swings from branch to branch", and fears ending up "one lonely monkey". But will the show's writers be able to sustain these monkey references as the series progresses? Doesn't matter... no one will be watching.
Finally, Joey Headset is a HUGE fan of Saturday Night Live. Well, I was a fan. Back when I was, like, 12 years old and staying up until midnight still had some novelty value. Nevertheless, I was thrilled when a friend of mine at NBC forwarded me a list of new recurring characters that will be featured on SNL in 2006. The recurring character sketch has been a staple of SNL since the beginning. Back in the day, it was a way to let talented comedians such as Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin develop a character over the course of multiple sketches. These days, it's more of an efficiency thing; a means of turning one (marginal) joke into a dozen (marginal) sketches. According to this list, here are some new SNL characters that will soon be making America laugh:
- Guy who repeats a particular phrase over and over again.
- Lady who confuses one bodily fluid with another.
- Guy who uses the word Homogenized so often in casual conversation, he abbreviates it by saying "Homo" instead (and people get mad and stuff).
- Lady with scar on face who can't stop laughing at her own jokes, frequently finds that she is the only one laughing.
Fortunately for us all, 2006 will bring a cornucopia of mindless, pandering entertainment product. And when it comes right down to it, what else does life have to offer?
January 01, 2006
RANT: Sufjan Stevens
I'll admit it, I'm addicted to music blogs. Every day, I visit a crapload of music blogs, trying to find some interesting new tunes to keep me entertained while I spew invective on the internet. As most of you already know, this is the time of year when music bloggers debut their "Best Of 2005" and "Year end lists". It's a blog-o-sphere tradition, dating back to... I don't know, 2004? Anyway, if you look at most of the indie-blog year end lists, you're likely to find one artist DOMINATING the #1 spot. That artist is Sufjan Stevens, who put out "2005's best record", Illinois.
I'm not one to jump on every bandwagon that comes along... but I figured that if all these music bloggers adored this album, it was probably worth a listen. So I downloaded it from my favorite P2P file sharing network (Joey Headset don't pay no money for music!) and loaded it into my mp3 player. After listening to the first three tracks of Sufjan's album, I was suspicious. By the seventh track, I knew something was amiss. By the final track, I half expected Ashton Kutcher to suddenly jump out of my headphones. Clearly, I had been "Punk'd".
Music bloggers of the blog-o-sphere, could you please answer this question: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO GREAT ABOUT THIS SUFJAN STEVENS RECORD? Seriously, did you all get together at some bar and decide that it would be funny to see how many people you could sucker into buying this stupid piece of crap? I don't know why you people listen to music, but I listen to music because I actually enjoy music. As far as I can tell, the songs on Illinois are specially formulated for people who only listen to albums so they can tell other people they listened to said albums. In other words, the music of Sufjan Stevens is MUSIC FOR PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES. And the sad thing is... I am a pretentious asshole, and even I can't sit through this shit!
There were plenty of great records that came out last year. Welsh rockers, Bosco Chocolate Factory revolutionized the genre of postpunk powerpop with their album "Partae Aen Mae Paents" while Mister Nlister's "I've Shotted Myself and I Can't Get On Up" was a seminal work of retro-neo-alt-cockrock. With such great releases in 2005, what possessed so many influential music writers to place Sufjan Stevens on the top of the musical heap?
Wait, I know the answer to this one:
THEY ARE ALL STUPID BITCHES WHO HATE MUSIC!!!