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December 12, 2005

Music (Video) Review: Shakira, "Don't Bother"

Act 1: It's Shakira in bed... with a half naked man! Well, he LOOKS like a man... but is he really? Shakira suspects otherwise. In order to test her suspicions, Shakira gets on top of the young man, caresses him, whispers in his ear - she even bites him a few times! Yet, despite Shakira's lurid gyrations, the young man remains totally unresponsive.


Act 2: Rather annoyed, Shakira drives the young man's expensive automobile to a scrapyard. This does not bode well for the automobile.

(interlude): Shakira in the shower. She alternates between sitting on the shower floor (looking miserable) and making out with the half naked gentleman from Act 1 (looking somewhat less miserable). In both scenarios, Shakira remains fully clothed. Is her lack of nudity a gesture toward modesty or merely an attempt to conserve laundry detergent?

Act 3: After confessing her strange desire to move to a communist country (WTF?), Shakira pulls a lever on some heavy machinery. The result: Half naked man's expensive automobile is inserted into an automobile crushing machine!


As the crushing machine does its business, we cut back to the half naked man - who suddenly experiences a series of excruciating full-body spasms! As the car is demolished, the man writhes in pain - because this is no man at all: It is the well-toned anthropomorphic manifestation of the SOUL of an expensive automobile. Either that, or some guy who really likes his car.

Denouement (It's French. Look it up.): Having destroyed the car - and, apparently, the man - Shakira walks triumphantly into the dawn of a suburban neighborhood. Once again, a spurned woman finds empowerment through the senseless destruction of an ex-boyfriend's personal property.

Somewhere out there, Kelly Clarkson is smiling.

Posted by Joey at December 12, 2005 11:34 AM


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