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December 31, 2005

2006 Preview: Fashion

If I had to choose one word to describe the year 2005, that word would be "awesome". The last 12 months were filled with countless milestones in music, film, and neuroscience. It may well have been the Bestest Year EVAR. Will 2006 be even better?

No. It won't.

I've looked into it, and I can confidently say that 2006 will be 42% less awesome than 2005. Sorry - not my fault. Well, mostly not my fault. Even though 2006 will almost certainly suck living crap compared to 2005, there are a few interesting trends heading our way in the year to come. So, instead of doing the same stupid "year end lists" that all the other sites are doing, please enjoy this Official 2006 Preview. It's like a year end list - in reverse!

Let's kick it off with a look at...

Fashion in 2006

Wherever I go, the people keep asking me: "OMG what's Joey Headset going to be wearing in 2006?!?!" And every time they ask, I always answer with these two words. SEAFOAM GREEN. If you care about style, if looking good is important to you, here's what you need to do: Take your entire wardrobe, every pair of cargo pants, every button down polo shirt... every miscellaneous sock, and throw it all into a giant sack. Then set that sack on fire. The only threads anyone with taste will be rocking next year will be seafoam green.

sephmgrn.jpg

"But wait," you might ask, "What labels should I buy, what designers?" Doesn't matter, just as long as it's seafoam green (or as I like to call it, The Color of Dreams).

Another fashion tip for my style-conscious readers: 2006 will be The Year of Corduroy. But not just any old cords. Next year will be all about smooth, sexy horizontal cords - produced by the Cordarounds Corporation! Traditional, vertical Corduroys generate a "groinal friction effect" which can cause uncomfortable burning sensations down there. Horizontal Cordarounds decrease friction, allowing wearers to look awesome without sacrificing below-the-belt comfort.

Finally, a trend that that is certain to rock the world of fashion in '06 is a movement I am calling "NASCAR Chic". You remember NASCAR Dads, right? Imagine them if they were really, really pretentious. And occasionally sober. By March, every hipster bar in Manhattan will look like Quarter Beer Night at Scooter's Left-Turn Grill in Charlotte, NC. Better buy a few dozen Dale Earnhardt t-shirts now, before they start selling them for $675 a pop at Armani.

Posted by Joey at December 31, 2005 04:14 AM

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