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December 31, 2005

2006 Preview: Fashion

If I had to choose one word to describe the year 2005, that word would be "awesome". The last 12 months were filled with countless milestones in music, film, and neuroscience. It may well have been the Bestest Year EVAR. Will 2006 be even better?

No. It won't.

I've looked into it, and I can confidently say that 2006 will be 42% less awesome than 2005. Sorry - not my fault. Well, mostly not my fault. Even though 2006 will almost certainly suck living crap compared to 2005, there are a few interesting trends heading our way in the year to come. So, instead of doing the same stupid "year end lists" that all the other sites are doing, please enjoy this Official 2006 Preview. It's like a year end list - in reverse!

Let's kick it off with a look at...

Fashion in 2006

Wherever I go, the people keep asking me: "OMG what's Joey Headset going to be wearing in 2006?!?!" And every time they ask, I always answer with these two words. SEAFOAM GREEN. If you care about style, if looking good is important to you, here's what you need to do: Take your entire wardrobe, every pair of cargo pants, every button down polo shirt... every miscellaneous sock, and throw it all into a giant sack. Then set that sack on fire. The only threads anyone with taste will be rocking next year will be seafoam green.

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"But wait," you might ask, "What labels should I buy, what designers?" Doesn't matter, just as long as it's seafoam green (or as I like to call it, The Color of Dreams).

Another fashion tip for my style-conscious readers: 2006 will be The Year of Corduroy. But not just any old cords. Next year will be all about smooth, sexy horizontal cords - produced by the Cordarounds Corporation! Traditional, vertical Corduroys generate a "groinal friction effect" which can cause uncomfortable burning sensations down there. Horizontal Cordarounds decrease friction, allowing wearers to look awesome without sacrificing below-the-belt comfort.

Finally, a trend that that is certain to rock the world of fashion in '06 is a movement I am calling "NASCAR Chic". You remember NASCAR Dads, right? Imagine them if they were really, really pretentious. And occasionally sober. By March, every hipster bar in Manhattan will look like Quarter Beer Night at Scooter's Left-Turn Grill in Charlotte, NC. Better buy a few dozen Dale Earnhardt t-shirts now, before they start selling them for $675 a pop at Armani.

Posted by Joey at 04:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 27, 2005

Taste and OJ on Trial

Time for another shoddy, sophomoric delightful webcomic.

Sticking with the TV commercial theme established last time, this week's comic addresses Miller Brewing Company's recent "Taste on Trial" ad campaign. Though most of the ads in this campaign have been well received, the networks considered the following 30 second spot to be... rather inappropriate.

I'll let you decide for yourself.

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Posted by Joey at 05:02 AM | TrackBack

December 23, 2005

Happy Holidays!

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Posted by Joey at 02:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 20, 2005

Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain

Once again, I have been ripped off at the movies.

In the promotional campaign for Brokeback Mountain, Paramount Pictures promised me gay cowboys. When I showed up at the theater and payed my $10... I excepted to see two solid hours of gay cowboy entertainment.

However... these are NOT gay cowboys:

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In this film, Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllynhhll are bi-curious cowboys. At best.

Now, THESE...

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...are gay cowboys.

Until the studios "cowboy up" and present the movie-going public with the real gay cowboy experience we deserve, I can only give them 3 Joeys (two regular Joeys, plus one Pink Joey in a Cowboy Hat).

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Posted by Joey at 05:39 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 18, 2005

Uwe Boll, King of Cinema

On Thursday, I profiled the upcoming vampire movie, BloodRayne. Today, I would like to bring you into the exciting cinematic world of BloodRayne's acclaimed German director, Uwe Boll.

Rest assured, that's actually his name (I didn't just have a seizure while I was typing). But what's in a name? I guess it is worth mentioning that if you rearrange the letters in "Uwe Boll", you can spell the phrase "Owl Lube". Sounds like a reference to some bestiality themed Harry Potter slash fiction...

But we're not here to talk about internet fan fiction. Or are we? One might say that Uwe Boll has taken the concept of fan fiction to "the next level". In fact, not only has Boll taken it to the next level... he has managed to defeat the boss at the end of that level, and set a new high score in the process. Think about it: There are thousands of bored, friendless gaming nerds out there who spend their lonely nights writing terrible video game fan fiction. However, there is only one man who has managed to turn his love of video game fan fiction into a lucrative full time directing job.

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Just take a look at Mr. Boll's filmography - by the year 2008 this director will have achieved a feat that is unprecedented in the history of cinema: He will have directed eight feature films based on video games. IN A ROW!!! Over his entire career, Alfred Hitchcock only directed six video game adaptations, and two of those were just short films that briefly toured the art house circuit. For those keeping score, that's Boll 1, Hitchcock 0.

Although Uwe's list of completed works is already impressive enough, it is his upcoming projects that most intrigue me. Currently in post-production is a film called "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale". I actually bought "Dungeon Siege", the game this film is based on - and find it to be a fascinating choice for adaptation. Having played this game continuously for two months, all I remember about it was... actually I remember almost nothing about it. I recall there was one level where I spent hours looking for a switch that was supposed to open some door, but I couldn't find it. So I deleted the game from my hard drive. I also remember there being some evil goblins or orcs or some crap like that. If there was a "plot" or "story" in this game, it eluded me entirely. Personally, I can't imagine how one would make a viable movie out of such a mindless timesuck... but that's why Uwe Boll is a creative genius, and I'm just some asshole with a website.

Also on Boll's upcoming project list is "Postal", a movie based on the controversial "murder simulation" game released in 1997. Postal didn't actually sell very well - the ultra-violent content of the game was so reprehensible that even rage-filled adolescents felt a little dirty after playing it. Most directors would consider this reason enough to avoid bringing the game to the silver screen. Uwe Boll isn't most directors. Plus, he's already got Gary "whatchu talkin 'bout" Coleman signed on to the project, so it's hard to see how it could fail.

Like every great man throughout history, Uwe Boll does have his detractors. The critical response to his films has generally been negative. Overwhelmingly negative. "Dear God why did you allow this man to direct movies" negative. But we all know that the opinions of critics are irrelevant... the only thing that counts is the response of the movie-going public. Unfortunately, they don't particularly care for Mr. Boll's films either (if box office results are any indication). Furthermore, some have accused Boll's "Boll KG" company of exploiting a loophole in German tax law that allows investors to profit from unprofitable films (via a tax write-off). Well, if making millions of dollars off of a shady German tax shelter scheme is wrong, then neither I nor my accountant want to be right.

Critics might say that Uwe Boll's entire career has been an exercise in getting rich despite wallowing in mediocrity. However, I contend that Boll hasn't succeeded despite mediocrity... rather, he has cultivated that rarest strain of mediocrity - one that can be jammed into a particular orifice of our popular culture over and over again until the public begs him to stop.

Or until the German government changes their tax laws.

Posted by Joey at 05:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 15, 2005

Rayne-ing Blood

Every now and then - perhaps once in a decade - audiences are exposed to a work of cinema that is so groundbreaking, it has a uniquely transformative effect on our culture.

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No, I'm not referring to Peter Jackson's King Kong. Though that movie is certainly entertaining, it's merely a remake of another film - one that was made in 1933. And then made again in 1976. I don't know about you, but I wasn't alive in 1933, nor in 1976... and I don't see how anything of real significance could have pre-dated my own existence. The history books will back me up on this.

Kong may keep our eyeballs busy for a couple of hours, but in terms of cultural impact and sheer artistic ambition, it cannot possibly compete with the other highly anticipated film coming out this holiday season.

The name of this masterpiece? BloodRayne.

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Like Death of a Salesman and The Great Gatsby, BloodRayne is a truly American story. Except that it takes place in eighteenth century Romania and is based on a video game. The plot centers around a hot female vampire called Ranye, played by supermodel and (sort of) actress Kristanna Loken. No stranger to playing vicious killing machines, Loken starred as T-X in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. T3 may not have been the best film in the Terminator trilogy. Nor the second best. However, I think we can all agree that Loken's T-X was the sexiest KillBot of the franchise - much hotter than the blob of silver metal or the steroid abusing Austrian that preceded her.

Loken is not the only big name acting talent featured in BloodRayne. The cast also includes Sir Ben Kingsley! Some might be surprised to see Kingsley - considered the finest actor of his generation - bringing his talents to a video game film adaptation. They shouldn't be. Sir Ben's breakthrough performance came in the 1982 film Gandhi, which was one of the very first films based on an arcade game... specifically, the game Frogger. It was a rather liberal adaptation.

Also starring in the movie: Sir Michael Madsen, Sir Michelle Rodriguez and Sir Meat Loaf. Kick ass.

Of course, an amazing cast such as this would be of little value without a director who knows how to get the most out of them. Fortunately, BloodRanye was brought to life by well known German director Uwe Boll. Tomorrow, we will this profile this visionary film artist.

Posted by Joey at 03:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 12, 2005

The Producers Movie

Coming soon... a film version of Mel Brooks' Broadway hit, The Producers. I can't wait!

The film features Gene Wilder, a brilliant comedic actor who starred in two of Brooks' best films: Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. Also starring in The Producers: the hilarious Zero Mostel! Mostel is a veteran of stage and screen - and he's been dead for nearly 28 years, so that's a particularly interesting casting choice. With Mel Brooks in the director's chair, this movie is certain to be a classic!

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UPDATE: Matthew Broderick? Nathan fucking Lane? Directed by someone named "Stroman"? Ugh... nevermind.

Posted by Joey at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)

Music (Video) Review: Shakira, "Don't Bother"

Act 1: It's Shakira in bed... with a half naked man! Well, he LOOKS like a man... but is he really? Shakira suspects otherwise. In order to test her suspicions, Shakira gets on top of the young man, caresses him, whispers in his ear - she even bites him a few times! Yet, despite Shakira's lurid gyrations, the young man remains totally unresponsive.

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Act 2: Rather annoyed, Shakira drives the young man's expensive automobile to a scrapyard. This does not bode well for the automobile.

(interlude): Shakira in the shower. She alternates between sitting on the shower floor (looking miserable) and making out with the half naked gentleman from Act 1 (looking somewhat less miserable). In both scenarios, Shakira remains fully clothed. Is her lack of nudity a gesture toward modesty or merely an attempt to conserve laundry detergent?

Act 3: After confessing her strange desire to move to a communist country (WTF?), Shakira pulls a lever on some heavy machinery. The result: Half naked man's expensive automobile is inserted into an automobile crushing machine!

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As the crushing machine does its business, we cut back to the half naked man - who suddenly experiences a series of excruciating full-body spasms! As the car is demolished, the man writhes in pain - because this is no man at all: It is the well-toned anthropomorphic manifestation of the SOUL of an expensive automobile. Either that, or some guy who really likes his car.

Denouement (It's French. Look it up.): Having destroyed the car - and, apparently, the man - Shakira walks triumphantly into the dawn of a suburban neighborhood. Once again, a spurned woman finds empowerment through the senseless destruction of an ex-boyfriend's personal property.

Somewhere out there, Kelly Clarkson is smiling.

Posted by Joey at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)

December 06, 2005

Comic: The Yoplait Girls

I've noticed that lots of people on the internet enjoy comics - or, "web comics" as the youngsters like to call them. Personally, I don't like them very much. I'm all about the written word (making those connections, the friendships that last a lifetime). However, since I'm also all about giving the people what they want... I'm introducing a regular web comic feature to this site. Don't everyone thank me at once.

This week's comic features those lovely, curd slurping ladies who just can't get over the deliciousness of Yoplait yogurt. Yes, it's the Yoplait Girls, in their first web comic adventure!

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I'm sure you've seen these commercials - one girl compares the goodness of the yogurt to something, then the other compares it to some other, better thing - and they proceed in this manner until the viewer WANTS TO THROW UP. In this sense, the commercials evoke the same physiological response that the product does. Finally, a case of truth in advertising.

So here it is, the very first Joey Headset web comic. Click here to check it out!

Posted by Joey at 11:58 PM | Comments (1)