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November 02, 2005

Movie Review: Doom


What do you get when you spell Doom backwards? Mood. Specifically, you get a very BAD mood - the sort of mood that only comes from knowing that you just wasted time and money on a total piece of crap. Walking into the theater, I had such high hopes for Doom... I really couldn't have anticipated the brutal disappointment I would be feeling when I left.

It started off well enough. I brought my own wireless Logitech controller to the theater. I didn't know how many controller ports the movie theater was equipped with, and I sure as hell didn't want to share with anyone. And it was a damn good thing I brought it, since I couldn't see one single plug-in port anywhere in the aisles! I was afraid that with everyone trying to play at once, they'd have to split the screen up into so many different windows that the frame rate would take a massive hit. Since I was the only one who bothered to bring a wireless unit, I got the whole screen to myself! I guess everyone else in the theater was happy to just sit there watch me play. Go figure.

After a bunch of ads, I was able to start a new game. The intro cinematics were pretty spectacular. I don't know what graphics engine they used for this, but everything looked amazing. All the textures had impressive levels of detail, animations were smooth and life-like - they must have gotten actors to do motion capture for a lot of the sequences. My only complaint was with the avatar for Sarge - the character you play for most of the game. I know they made a big deal about how The Rock was doing the voice for this character, and I guess that's why they wanted to make Sarge look like The Rock. They came close, but didn't quite get it right. Something about his face and the shape of his head just didn't look entirely natural. It seemed like a pretty lame place to skimp on the polygon count. Other than this, though, the graphics were awesome. It was like watching a movie!

As good as these cinematics were, however, they went on WAY TOO LONG. Usually, they will let you skip past the cut-scenes by pressing the select button (sometimes the start button), but I must have hit just about every button on my controller about 50 times, and it didn't do a damn thing. You are just forced to sit there and watch the whole thing. That's just lame.

Despite all this, I could have looked past the maddeningly lengthy cut-scenes in Doom if the gameplay had been solid. Unfortunately, the controls were totally unresponsive. I would try to turn left, my character would turn right. I'd attempt to strafe into a doorway, my character would do some crazy backflip through the door. Half the time, it didn't even feel like I was playing - the controls were that bad. I just about threw my controller at the screen, but that thing was expensive, so instead I threw popcorn at the people in front of me (which not only pissed off the people in front of me, but also the person sitting next to me, since it was her popcorn).

Though the controls were awful, I was still able to beat Doom in less than two hours. What can I say - I've got MADD SKILLZ and have been known to PWN even the toughest games. After I beat the game, I figured I could at least get in on some multiplayer action, but I couldn't find any option for online play. Total ripoff.

Ultimately, Doom proves that slick graphics and big-name voice acting are just not enough to make a great game. As such, I can only give it one and a half Joeys.


Posted by Joey at November 2, 2005 03:35 AM


yo do you really think doom is gay well it isnt i say i have to give you 0 joeys ok so why dont you just stop wasting your time and get on with your life ok so oh i dont know just go and do it with ya sister ya freaking bitch ok gtg you s.o.a.b

Posted by: trae kennedy at April 17, 2006 01:33 AM

Sometimes, it's FUN to use punctuation!

Posted by: joey at April 17, 2006 02:10 AM

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